THE THIRD TERM THRILLER – BURUNDI MANILA

Pacquiao - Mayweather (Image Source)

Like a rumble in the jungle or the thriller in Manila, this time it's going down in Burundi! I'm not talking about the legendary battle between Mohammed ‘The Greatest' Ali and ‘Smokin Joe’ Frazier that took place on the 1st of October, 1975 for the World Heavyweight Boxing Championship in the Philippines - by the way, that National ASSembly fight yesterday was shameful. I am not speaking of the third and final matchup of a bitter rivalry between two prolific boxers that is largely regarded as one of the greatest fights in the history of the sport - fortunately, nobody got knocked out in yesterday’s imbroglio unlike in the 2013 Rivers State House of Assembly incident. Their final fight was tagged ‘The Thriller in Manila’ because Ali promised the world a “Killa and a thrilla and a chilla, when I get that gorilla in Manilla”. Mohammed Ali won only by a Technical Knock-Out. Boxing was once a big time sport, bigger than even soccer, and only Floyd ‘Money Man’ Mayweather Jr. and Manny ‘The Pac-man’ Pacquiao have seen the game return to its glory in recent times but enough of that, let’s get down to business.

At some point during this past week, I decided to ask people, randomly of course, for their opinion on the current debacle in Burundi. The responses I received ranged from outright funny to downright offhanded and I have picked just two out of the lot that are, in my opinion, a representation of the entire pool. Listen to what they had to say:

“Why do people behave like that, why won’t the man just step down?” – Mrs Tanzania

And

“Nobody is bothered jare, Burundi is far away” – Mr Mali

These two replies are in a manner of speaking at opposing ends, one of utter care and the other of utter carelessness, and the others can be fit snugly somewhere in-between. Now, as cold as Mr Mali's response was, he has a point. How many of us really care about 'far away' Burundi, isn’t it just another wonderland? I strongly believe that an ‘Alice’ and some magic rabbits would be much more tangible to a good number of us than a little country of less than 10 million people somewhere in East or Central Africa - even Wikipedia hasn’t decided on an official location yet.

What do you and I really know about Burundi? Honestly, I only knew it was a country somewhere at the ‘other side’ of Africa before I googled it. However, after getting to know its history better, I have come to the conclusion that one of the greatest losers of the First World War was and still remains this landlocked African country. I do not believe I have seen the story of many other nations that are painted with as much blood - it is definitely not a wonderland. The Republic of Burundi is located in Africa’s Great Lakes Region and is bordered by Rwanda, Tanzania and the Democratic Republic of Congo - I like to call the DRC ‘Dr. Congo’.  Its capital is Bujumbura and its major tribes; Hutu - 85%, Tutsi - 14% and Twa - 1%, have been in that region for more than 500 years.

So, what is this ‘Third Term Thriller’ that has Burundi looking like the boundless boxing battlefield of 1975 Manila? Is it the fact that the country is presently running a presidential democratic republic or the fact that Burundi is one of the five poorest countries in the world? No, far from it. Is it the fact that Burundi is the world’s hungriest country - according to the global hunger index - or the fact that the country has suffered from the usual African plague of corruption, warfare and poor access to education? No, not at all. The reason for the spotlight on this African nation that shares boarders with Lake Tangayika is the April 2015 protests - and the failed May 13th Coup - that broke out after the ruling party, CNDD-FDD, announced that President Pierre Nkurunziza would be seeking a third term in office. President Pierre Nkurunziza is the son of a Tutsi mother and a Hutu father. He was raised in the Ngozi region of Northern Burundi and was formerly a Leader of a Hutu Rebel group. 

[Back Story]: Burundi was initially run by Germany in the early 20th century but after the Germans lost World War I, Belgium took over and ruled Burundi and Rwanda as Ruanda-Urundi. It is rumoured that the Belgian takeover exacerbated social differences between the Tutsi and Hutu and this may be part of the cause of the long tales of violence. The Belgians are alleged to have classified the people according to the number of cows that they owned - Tutsi; more than 10 cows and Hutu; less than 10 cows. The Hutu and Tutsi have been having what I call a long standing family feud, characterised by assassinations, counter assassinations, mass killings and reprisal mass killings. More than 250,000 people - 2.5% of its current population - have been laid to waste since the early 20th century according to reports and speculations. 

(Image Source)

[Back to Mr I want a Third Term] Why don’t Africans have the spirit of letting go, why can’t we just let go!? The people have said we don’t want you, you have ruled enough! Why won’t you just go away? Has the country become your father’s property or is it that the people are now cows and they belong to you? If for nothing else, for the sake of peace step aside and let other people contest for the seat - you are not the only person that is capable of doing the job. In fact, let me borrow the words of @KobokoGCFR, “In 2007, many of us had no idea who Fashola was…” and finish by quoting @CJ_Awele “…but today in 2015 we all praise Uncle Fash for his good works.” In my opinion, President Pierre Nkurunziza is trying to ascend to the ungodly status of Dictator but I humbly ask that he humbly descend from his imaginary throne because there are many unknown men and women in Burundi that can get the job done.

Nigerians have also had the experience of a president pushing for a third term, former President Olusegun Obasanjo attempted the push but we failed him in that exam. Burundians are now protesting but the country’s constitutional court has ‘agreed’ with President Pierre's claim to run although some of the members of that court had fled the country at the time of the vote - then who voted, sheep?. Now then, I turn to you. Why are we not lending our voices to the Burundians on the streets calling for decency? We have to learn something called solidarity in this country and on this continent. We are always quick to jump out to chant and shout for America but what of Africa eh, what of Burundi? *sheds tear* But seriously, we need to stand up for our own!

In this matchup of Man that refuses to leave office against The People, a lot of negative inter-tribal sentiment is being whipped up and so, as an African, I move for the motion that President Nkurunziza step aside before a repeat of the 1972 and 1993 Burundi genocides occur. I honestly cannot comprehend this ‘I will not go’ attitude of African politicians. To me, it is just like forcing cassette tape and kerosene lantern on the world, we don’t want - carry go! No man is greater than any other man, whether you were born a king or a prince your ambitions are not worth a single pauper’s life in my book. So Dear President Nkurunziza, please do the needful…let go!

Kind regards,

The House-33 Revolutionary.

President Pierre Nkurunziza (Image Source)

P.S. I know that you know that I was going to mention this any moment from now. I am talking about the very stupid rapid dog that recently bit 9 black people inside a church in Charleston, USA. What do we normally do with rabid dogs? We put them down! However, due to the fact that this stupid beast is not a regular canine and more importantly because I believe all life is precious no matter how stupid its owner, I suggest the dumb animal be locked up in a very small prison, far smaller than what Nelson Mandela was put in at the now infamous Robben Island Prison, preferably a few hundred feet underground (The dumb pile of horse crap!). Do not kill a man to show that killing is wrong and in the words of Mahatma Ghandi “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

Next

[THE UTTER DARKNESS]

I have seen this world chew and spit,

but I know I have seen nothing yet.

We are walking a fine line,

the path between the dusk and the dawn.

I stand on a precipice,

looking into the dark eyes of despair.

The hope that has been swallowed not is,

like a thread of mango from between the teeth.

The treacherous road thus travelled,

has kept me but a spectating witness.

We see the despotic deeds of many men so few,

their battles in sorcery and the grass that suffer.

But a question still, I must ask.

How can we know it is the utter darkness,

if we have no notion,

of the light?

Live then and survive because you know,

for 170 million threads of mango can a land fertile make,

and a land fertile made can the greatest of trees grow.

Do not be consumed by this world’s trump card, its Joker; the darkness within.

Stand Up and Protest….Revolt Like the French of Old!

#H33Revary

Next

BILLIONAIRE BOYS CLUB – THE REAL BBC

(Image Source)

How do I begin, where do I start from? I am sincerely lost for words as I write this piece because my heart is literarily bursting at the seams, too full and too unquiet to pull out the precise lyrics that I wish to use to describe how I feel. Simply unimaginable! That is the best I can really manage to muster at this moment. Please permit me to digress to my usual syntax to check my overflowing emotions.

I have many times pictured myself as a Senator, Governor, an Honorable and even the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria - no worry yasef, Baba God go do am! - and in each picture, the greater part of the canvass is occupied by a better Nigeria, not my face. A better Nigeria that Americans, Europeans, other Africans, Asians and the Arabian Princes come to for summer, a country that is capable of hosting the FIFA World Cup, the Olympic Games, Miss World and any other first class event that the world thinks to throw our way. If I could truly make any of my pictures come to life, I would not give a care in the world if the artist forgets to paint my fine boy face somewhere within the edges of the frame; In fact, remove me from the portrait! What would matter most to me would be that the good works I start and build will be allowed to grow and spread even long after I must have returned to dust and bones. Some people may not believe this - the usual doubting Thomas - but this is just who I am, money has no sway over me. Yes, I will fly to Ghana, Ethiopia and Lake Victoria when I earn it but never at the expense of another man, woman and most definitely not at the expense of any child. I shall never, with my eyes wide open or even tightly closed, punish my fellow human being by depriving him or her of his or her daily bread. May the Big Man Upstairs never allow it.

Our politicians have truly reached the height of insensitivity. If we thought they were callous before, boy, were we wrong! This is a time when Osun state workers are crying for salaries unpaid of more than 6 months! There is a ‘paucity’ of funds to pay civil servants across the nation. Nigerians are flying all the way to India for simple kidney transplants! Infrastructure is non-existent and even when by the odds of the gods they exist, dilapidation is their status. Good education is virtually non-existent! People are hungry! and a bunch of citizens who we supposedly voted for, allegedly respectable persons that we call our National Assembly (NASS) Senators and Honorables are eagerly waiting to share a signing bonus of 9 billion Naira - N9,000,000,000…abeg count the zeros in case you don’t understand.

((Image Source)

How can human beings be so wicked and cold-hearted, do these men and women not fear God!? Diaris God ooo! APC, PDP, the lot of these politicians are simply put, cold-blooded and in my opinion, the worst kind of people on earth. How can you turn a blind eye to a fellow man dying on the street just so you can pop an extra bottle of Moét & Chandon or Hennessey in some god forsaken club or just so you can spend the people’s money on Courtesans: High End Hookers? I do not fear to call a spade a spade and now all I see is red! If these NASS members are not careful, peace loving Nigerians will start to paint bullseyes on their backs and if this ever starts, it will be open season. I doubt any of them, honourable as they claim to be, would make it to the airport, let alone to all those private jets they have bought with blood money. Blood money because they have stolen - yes, stolen! - from babies who never survived - poor medical facilities, the old who died too soon - withheld pension - and the young who hunger has made to do things even worse than you can imagine - please don’t even try to imagine. I am still seething with anger, almost foaming at the mouth, so I have decided to pen down a poem like my friend and Poet, Otaru Andrew Omeiza Daudu, maybe it will be my Pain Killer.

[THE UTTER DARKNESS]

I have seen this world chew and spit,

but I know I have seen nothing yet.

We are walking a fine line,

the path between the dusk and the dawn.

I stand on a precipice,

looking into the dark eyes of despair.

The hope that has been swallowed not is,

like a thread of mango from between teeth, the morning after.

The treacherous road thus travelled,

has kept me but a spectating witness.

We see the despotic deeds of many men so few,

their battles in sorcery and the grass that suffer.

But a question still, I must ask.

How can we know it is the utter darkness,

if we have no notion,

of the light?

Live then and survive because you know,

for 170 million threads of mango can a land fertile make,

and a land fertile made can the greatest of trees grow.

Do not be consumed by this world’s trump card, its Joker; the darkness within.

Stand Up and Protest….Revolt Like the French of Old! 

#H33Revary

Notwithstanding the treachery we as a people have endured for the many years so past, we should not sit still and keep quiet any longer. We have fought for a reasonably free and fair election and have seen that come to pass, we brought President Buhari. It is now time to fight for a clear and transparent National Assembly where the shoemaker and the pepper seller on the streets shall know the law maker in the house. A National Assembly where the members of the PIB - Petroleum Industry Bill - Committee, ‘NEPA’ Committee and the bills being passed on the floor of the hallowed chambers will be known to even infants suckling at the breast. We need a National Assembly with only intellectual minds and passionate hearts, no longer should we condone money hungry *insert derogatory term here* and soulless life sucking *insert another one here*. 

This Billionaire Boys Club that has been feeding like leeches of the riches of Nigeria must be treated like the big leech that it is and its head touched with naked flames to ensure that we get rid of this vermin completely - this is the only way to eject these black blood suckers leaving no poison behind! The Nigerian BBC has been broadcasting ill-gotten wealth as its own, living more lavishly than royalty and the VIP members, my days, much more lavishly than Queen Elizabeth. As former President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan said - I shall paraphrase, stealing is stealing and a thief is a thief. Billionaires my foot, they can all line up and kiss my @$$!

Also, Ramadan Kareem to the Muslim brethren!

(Image Source: Pending)

Next

CHECKMATE - IT’S A FLY ON THE WALL

Before I school you in what is about to become your worst ever defeat, I have a confession to make. Earlier this week, while I was pretending to be doing some very serious work at the office, I was busy stealing tweets from twitter; hope you weren't expecting gist like my girlfriend is pregnant, oloshi. In fact, this one particular tweet reached out to me, it literarily spoke Igbo and called my name, it said, “Bia CJ nnwam, gu ife! - Come CJ my child, read sometin!”

As I was scrolling down my TL (Timeline), I noticed that someone had retweeted more of those quotes that they seem to keep pulling out of someone’s A.S.S. It can be annoying jare *smiley face* but for some reason, this one message caught my attention, it had a bunch of interesting words in it. See for yourself: 

“Most gods throw dice but Fate plays chess and you don’t find out till too late that he’s been playing with two queens all along” - Terry Pratchett 

These words from Sir Terence David John Prachet, Terry Pratchett for short, struck me for two main reasons. The first is that starting a game of chess with two queens is simply cheating. A queen is, in my opinion, the most versatile of all the 16 pieces on one side of a chess board and so playing with two queens is like having Wonder-Woman and Super-Girl on the same squad; you don lose be dat! The second reason was simple mathematics; Dr Fate plus queen-one plus queen-two equals a legit tricycle ride. Terry you sly dog, I see what you did there…threesome! I know, I know, the tricycle bit is a tad lewd but it isn’t my fault, my mind did the thinking not me. You might be wandering why this Revary (oh, that's me) of a dude is going on and on about chess today, don’t worry I’ll tell you. . .soon, but first, let's deviate a little. 

Whether you are trying to run a babe or you are running for an election, life is pretty much the same; it's almost always just a game. Even Jadakiss agrees with me (him @Therealkiss, me @CJ_Awele)

"@TherealKiss: Every day above ground is a chess move." 

If you are attempting the former (Pur-shoeing woman), you must first and foremost go scouting, find a target, buy flowers, plan dates then dinners and if she falls, you win. If the latter is your ambition (You wan be Senator) then you must first and foremost be loaded (have owo in excess), find a party, buy supporters (behind the scenes of course), plan campaigns, dine with the ‘devils’ and when the people vote, you might win. I personally do not believe in chance. If a mosquito 'randomly' bites me or a fly 'randomly' perches on me, it is either I kill it and everything is okay or it escapes in which case it must be an evil arrow from the witches in my village; I believe we make our own luck.

Senator Bukola Abubakar Saraki and Senator Yakubu Dogara just recently seized the seats of Senate President and Speaker of the House of Representatives respectively, against the wishes of their own political party, The APC; neither man played by the rules, both men had to become bed fellows with their main opposition, The PDP, to achieve their goals. So what’s your excuse? Fate wants to win against you so badly that he's playing with an unfair advantage, still, don’t let him win; turn the tables, be an underdog, beat destiny and be great! 

Now still hol' up a minute, your inevitable thrashing is on its way but wouldn’t you like to know how this genius and egomaniac (me again, The Revary) learnt to play so well? Yes? No? I will tell you either way. My uncle taught us and by 'us' I mean my older brother and I. To be honest, I had forgotten this and had started to believe that I was a natural like Paul Morphy (1837-1884; allegedly the greatest of all time, considered the ultimate player by age 21) but my brother reminded me of my long forgotten humble beginnings.

It was back then when there were no such things as laptops, only big desktops running on Windows 95. A new computer had just been installed in my house and my uncle, now that I think of it, probably thought it wise to teach us how to do something on the system before 'dem kids' experiment and break the million dollar machine (My papa for don kill us!). The man must have had an epiphany to have been able to have taught a couple of Power Rangers loving toddlers such an intricate game.

I was barely 6 at the time, my older brother was something close to 8. Uncle A (my uncle) said to us "Okay look, there are only 6 different types of pieces on the board, this one (he clicked on a pawn) moves like this (he moves it and says) 'one'; this one that looks like a horse (he clicks on a knight) moves like this (he moves it and says) 'one, one, two'; this one (he clicks on a rook) can move anyhow up, down and side to side; this funny looking one is a bishop”. "Bishop?” I repeated, "Like fada in the church?" He laughs and says “No, but it can move like this (he makes an X on the screen); this one (he clicks on the queen) can move like all the others except the horse and this (he clicks on the final piece) is the king, it is the most important piece. If computer eats it, game over!” I nodded frantically but the Lord knows that I probably did not hear a word my uncle had spent the last five minutes explaining.

From my experience, the key to being great at chess is knowing the answer to the question, "Who is king?" For me, the king is the future, and I will always bet my all on tomorrow. Part of the trick to the game is to protect your pawns just as much as your Kinghts, Bishops, Rooks and Queen (unfortunately many do not see this) because when the chips are down, the little things you pay no attention to in life become like magic rabbits; they pop out, like quotes from a 'twitter hat', and can even become your source of inspiration. When your pawn breaches your enemy’s defence and makes it all the way across the battlefield, it transforms to whatever noble it feels like, even a Queen; such potential!

Life is really just a game of chess and if you do not know who or what it is that is most important to you, what targets you plan to achieve at all legal and scrupulous costs then I am sorry to say, you will probably not win against Fate.

Yes, the wait is over, ‘soon’ has arrived and the answer to your ‘wanderings - why I'm going on about chess’ a little while back is Game of Thrones! The show is honestly just an awesome chess game! If you do not watch GOT then you certainly cannot appreciate my feelings at this very moment; Cloud 99+1! I watched episodes 8 and 9 of Season 5 back to back *drools* and after watching the last scenes of episode 9, I said to myself “Yes! I want to be a fly too!!!” If my happiness is giving you headache, here, take Panadol (Pain Killer) and keep kwayet.

By the way, we have been playing all this while and now the board looks like this; I am black and you are white. Also, in case you have not figured it out yet, the 'Fly on the wall' is Khaleesi's dragon; really if you don't already, go and watch Game of Thrones!

This is game over; you should have listened to Terry and paid more attention, I am Dr Fate for today and the two queens belong to the Revary (*wink* Mu-ha-ha-ha! Look closely at the chess board).

Checkmate!

[P.S. Forget all the wash I dey wash inside this article o, one small boy like that kee me finish for chess yesterday, I wan die, if no be for God eh....I for find excuse beat the boy sef, lol]


Next

AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL

I had to roll up my sleeves to get into this because let's face it, this one’s a bit dirty. My college friends on our whatsapp group chat, Employed Engineers, asked me when I would be writing a piece about p*#n, yes porn. They were joking I think but I can’t say, I don’t trust those boys; they lie, can steal your girlfriend and will even date your sister! You never know when they are serious. So after all the laughter about inappropriate pictures, snap chat and all the different hubs subsided, I thought earnestly to myself, “People really do like gossip and licentious paraphernalia…why not, I’ll write about A.S.S", I bet you didn’t see that. That was it, the decision was made and I was going over to the dark side. Like Miley Cyrus, I had decided to step out of my childish ways and do it big! (as my friends Bad Nnaj and Naka would say). Before I continue, however, I must warn that this piece is not for my usual unrestricted readership, parental guidance for all below the age of 21 is required. Thankfully, I myself just passed the 21 mark a while ago so it’s okay if I read about A.S.S. Let’s get down to business.

Have you ever seen silky smooth wet road after dark? I can personally guarantee you it’s a sublime view; it makes you want to shift to your top gear in less than sixty seconds. I know you like fast cars; Ferrari, Porsche, Lamborghini, the full garage but which would you rather have? Me, I would probably take a black Bugatti Veyron (Lamborghini); it has all the right curves and moves in all the right ways. Imagine all these cars were beautiful young women (or fine boys if you yourself are a fine girl), they would probably be Brazilian, Latino, Arabian or spicy African. How much do you think these women (sorry cars) even cost? Well you better have at least $40,000 in your pocket if you want one sleeping in your house and if you want my Bugatti in particular then a million dollars is more like it; she’s expensive you know. You need to work, to get a job to afford these ladies (or gentlemen) but don’t worry, once you are done with school and then Nysc, you will be good to go. You probably qualify for a nice white collar job and will be quickly fit into some office somewhere so you can earn a salary that looks and feels like an Emirates hostess (Ogbeni you better wake up!)

The reality on ground is that the After School Special is stark unemployment and as for fast cars, get ready to start jumping fast molue (large old luxurious buses), no jokes, you literally have to jump in on the move. You will find no curves or comfort there and I can personally assure you that the rides will be rough, smelly and unpleasant. The overall joblessness level in Nigeria is put at about 24 percent (Ethiopia 25%, Ghana 11% and US 5.4%). With a 60 percent youthful population, youth unemployment rate in particular is over 50 percent, about 64 million young Nigerians are unemployed (and you want to buy a million dollar car, I pirry you). So, except you are one of the few that is truly blessed or maybe your music is ‘Touched by Don Jazzy’ I am sorry to tell you that your ministry may not quite blow the way you were expecting, sorry and if you are not careful this Stark reality may make you lose your head (I love Game of Thrones).

I just added another year to my life (June baby) and now I can officially say that I am old. Life is good and simple when you are receiving pocket money and earning allawee (Nysc allowance) but the reality of things hits you when service is coming to an end and the hot breeze of the crowded job market is blowing in your face, I am not talking to "My Papa na President Buhari sista broda". It is not as though one is unaware of the truth of our harsh realities but as has been said over and over again, experience is the best teacher (I hate to be trite but it is true). You get to a certain point in life where financial handouts from parents and those very nice uncles and aunties do not just feel right anymore; you want to start cutting your own cheques. That is the point at which you know you ought to have a job, you probably just graduated and want to put all your years of education and all that school fees to good use but the reality of the times we live in is very harsh.

The facts being stated, I have to say something else to give you hope or at least tell you how we can build hope. Two words, Local Industry. We have a scarcity of Jobs in Nigeria but yet we are quick to import and buy the most trifle of things that I know could be easily produced here. Toothpicks, curry, radios, head-tie; if you are in doubt, go and check out any consignment at the Apapa Warf over the weekend. Nigerians have a funny mentality, we use cents and pence in the US and UK but would rather be found dead than be seen using the kobo (assuming the kobo can still buy you anything, even tom-tom). We have a 'big boy' mentality and it is killing us faster than Ebola ever could, we need to learn to support what is home grown, our own. Sure, at first our products may be as good as dirt but just as KIA has transformed from a 'carton on wheels' to a luxury car, our own products too could become the Ferraris, Porsches and Lamborghinis of the future (goodie-goodie could even compete with Sneakers and Mars, who knows) and when they do, thousands of jobs will be sure to follow.

Despite my harsh revelations, I still wish everybody the best. Do not be afraid to dream big, in fact, if you are not dreaming big I am banning you from reading my next piece (iz a joke abeg) but honestly, don’t just dream big, work like your life depended on it until you start living your dreams. In the meantime let us be grateful for what we have on our plates, for those that have jobs and have hustled to set meals before us all this while, sing:

"Some have foood but cannot eeat, some can eat but have no’o foood, we have foood and we can eeat, glory bee to you o God, Aamen!"

I apologize if you were deceived by the title of this piece, I decided I would do sort of an allegory and see if in fact, the number of viewers for this would be higher than the average. So if you chose to view this article just because of the title then you are part of my statistics. I still hope to see you next week although I can’t promise any fleshly material.

(P.S. Whatever ruminations you had while reading this article are your responsibility, don’t blame me for your voluptuous imaginations)

May the souls of those who passed away in the fire and floods in Accra Ghana earlier this week rest in peace.


Next