AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL

I had to roll up my sleeves to get into this because let's face it, this one’s a bit dirty. My college friends on our whatsapp group chat, Employed Engineers, asked me when I would be writing a piece about p*#n, yes porn. They were joking I think but I can’t say, I don’t trust those boys; they lie, can steal your girlfriend and will even date your sister! You never know when they are serious. So after all the laughter about inappropriate pictures, snap chat and all the different hubs subsided, I thought earnestly to myself, “People really do like gossip and licentious paraphernalia…why not, I’ll write about A.S.S", I bet you didn’t see that. That was it, the decision was made and I was going over to the dark side. Like Miley Cyrus, I had decided to step out of my childish ways and do it big! (as my friends Bad Nnaj and Naka would say). Before I continue, however, I must warn that this piece is not for my usual unrestricted readership, parental guidance for all below the age of 21 is required. Thankfully, I myself just passed the 21 mark a while ago so it’s okay if I read about A.S.S. Let’s get down to business.

Have you ever seen silky smooth wet road after dark? I can personally guarantee you it’s a sublime view; it makes you want to shift to your top gear in less than sixty seconds. I know you like fast cars; Ferrari, Porsche, Lamborghini, the full garage but which would you rather have? Me, I would probably take a black Bugatti Veyron (Lamborghini); it has all the right curves and moves in all the right ways. Imagine all these cars were beautiful young women (or fine boys if you yourself are a fine girl), they would probably be Brazilian, Latino, Arabian or spicy African. How much do you think these women (sorry cars) even cost? Well you better have at least $40,000 in your pocket if you want one sleeping in your house and if you want my Bugatti in particular then a million dollars is more like it; she’s expensive you know. You need to work, to get a job to afford these ladies (or gentlemen) but don’t worry, once you are done with school and then Nysc, you will be good to go. You probably qualify for a nice white collar job and will be quickly fit into some office somewhere so you can earn a salary that looks and feels like an Emirates hostess (Ogbeni you better wake up!)

The reality on ground is that the After School Special is stark unemployment and as for fast cars, get ready to start jumping fast molue (large old luxurious buses), no jokes, you literally have to jump in on the move. You will find no curves or comfort there and I can personally assure you that the rides will be rough, smelly and unpleasant. The overall joblessness level in Nigeria is put at about 24 percent (Ethiopia 25%, Ghana 11% and US 5.4%). With a 60 percent youthful population, youth unemployment rate in particular is over 50 percent, about 64 million young Nigerians are unemployed (and you want to buy a million dollar car, I pirry you). So, except you are one of the few that is truly blessed or maybe your music is ‘Touched by Don Jazzy’ I am sorry to tell you that your ministry may not quite blow the way you were expecting, sorry and if you are not careful this Stark reality may make you lose your head (I love Game of Thrones).

I just added another year to my life (June baby) and now I can officially say that I am old. Life is good and simple when you are receiving pocket money and earning allawee (Nysc allowance) but the reality of things hits you when service is coming to an end and the hot breeze of the crowded job market is blowing in your face, I am not talking to "My Papa na President Buhari sista broda". It is not as though one is unaware of the truth of our harsh realities but as has been said over and over again, experience is the best teacher (I hate to be trite but it is true). You get to a certain point in life where financial handouts from parents and those very nice uncles and aunties do not just feel right anymore; you want to start cutting your own cheques. That is the point at which you know you ought to have a job, you probably just graduated and want to put all your years of education and all that school fees to good use but the reality of the times we live in is very harsh.

The facts being stated, I have to say something else to give you hope or at least tell you how we can build hope. Two words, Local Industry. We have a scarcity of Jobs in Nigeria but yet we are quick to import and buy the most trifle of things that I know could be easily produced here. Toothpicks, curry, radios, head-tie; if you are in doubt, go and check out any consignment at the Apapa Warf over the weekend. Nigerians have a funny mentality, we use cents and pence in the US and UK but would rather be found dead than be seen using the kobo (assuming the kobo can still buy you anything, even tom-tom). We have a 'big boy' mentality and it is killing us faster than Ebola ever could, we need to learn to support what is home grown, our own. Sure, at first our products may be as good as dirt but just as KIA has transformed from a 'carton on wheels' to a luxury car, our own products too could become the Ferraris, Porsches and Lamborghinis of the future (goodie-goodie could even compete with Sneakers and Mars, who knows) and when they do, thousands of jobs will be sure to follow.

Despite my harsh revelations, I still wish everybody the best. Do not be afraid to dream big, in fact, if you are not dreaming big I am banning you from reading my next piece (iz a joke abeg) but honestly, don’t just dream big, work like your life depended on it until you start living your dreams. In the meantime let us be grateful for what we have on our plates, for those that have jobs and have hustled to set meals before us all this while, sing:

"Some have foood but cannot eeat, some can eat but have no’o foood, we have foood and we can eeat, glory bee to you o God, Aamen!"

I apologize if you were deceived by the title of this piece, I decided I would do sort of an allegory and see if in fact, the number of viewers for this would be higher than the average. So if you chose to view this article just because of the title then you are part of my statistics. I still hope to see you next week although I can’t promise any fleshly material.

(P.S. Whatever ruminations you had while reading this article are your responsibility, don’t blame me for your voluptuous imaginations)

May the souls of those who passed away in the fire and floods in Accra Ghana earlier this week rest in peace.


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