RABID RABBIT – EAT MY FOOT!

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I initially considered calling this piece ‘Warrior Rabbit’ or ‘God of War Rabbit’ but finally I settled for what you can see at the top. I am still, however, a bit conflicted about what it should have been titled, so after having a go at the piece, you can decide for yourself what you would have preferred to call it. 

So rabbits; those cute and cuddly creatures that we all THINK are extremely adorable  - yea right. Have you ever seen one of those things turn into a ferocious monster? Have you ever seen one of those things go wild? Have you ever seen, a rabid rabbit!? No? I didn’t think so. Those fluffy bug eyed creatures can become beastly in the twinkle of an eye and those buck teeth that you think are only for nibbling on vegetables can become more dangerous than Zulu spears! - I kid you not. Then again, how would you know this dark side to creatures that are so small, so cute and so adorable that some of us even have them in our homes? They are somewhat like little children who we like to give carrots when they are good but what we tend to forget unfortunately, is that when they are bad, they need....the stick! 

A friend of mine said to me the other day, "Dude it's like you don't like lil kids mehn" and I laughed and said "Far from it mann". Let me tell you the background to this conversation before you think I am some kind of child hater. We, my friend and I, had just decided to go grab some shawarma from a regular joint (boys no fit dey soak garri everyday nw) and when we got there, some child-ling was, in my opinion, throwing the most annoying tantrum. I think the whole screaming, rolling and beating-back-at-parents episode put an expression on my face and my friend did not miss the look of irritation I was wearing. The rest of the conversation, you already know (Note, this child was too old for this kind of behaviour). 

These days, parents do not seem to really be in control of their kids. Yes I know children will be children but back then, once your mother gave you ‘the look’, you knew all hell would break loose if you as much as breathed noisily; if she heard 'pim'. Today, however, you literally see a child screaming at the top of his or her lungs like a baby goat and even the father will be there - all the while I'm like OMG, his daddy is there too??. Let me just break it down for you like this, my father never beat us or anything like that while we were growing up, my mother was delighted to always 'set us straight' but besides, there was never any need because my brother and I had the righteous fear of God. Kids today, not so much.

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Do you remember Dennis the Menace, that cartoon from way back in the day? The kid with the trademark scruffy, dark hair and evil smirk, the kid wearing a black and red stripped t-shirt; he was the World’s Wildest Boy! Denis was a badly behaved, visually rebellious and uncontrollable school tot who took pride in causing chaos and mayhem, aided by his trusty funny looking dog Gnasher. Denis the Menace is a perfect example of how naughty children turn out when they do not receive the stick; they become even more of a menace! Shun all the modern oyibo ways, kids actually need a little hard love. I am not talking about chasing a child round your compound or yaad (yard) with a broom or some other ungodly object or even plastering infant eyes with pepper - I hear people do these evil acts - I am speaking of a spank of reasonable force every now and again when words alone appear not to be enough. In fact, if you have really read any old English stories or followed a bit of history then you will know that oyibo headmasters back in the day were the kings of cane and koboko.

Sometimes I wonder what really is the cause of the increase in the number of tantrum throwing toddlers I seem to be coming across these days and sometimes I muse to myself that it might just be the names that we give our kids today that are making them go bananas. Names like Phelony, Nevaeh-Hope, Hashtag and in Nigeria in particular, Millionare, SuperStory, Unchangeable. Names like these can really affect a child’s psyche or make other children make fun of that child, leading to a whole nexus of future psychological issues. 

Whatever the cause or causes may be, we are facing a critical problem that needs to be checked. Human beings are social creatures and ought to live together to truly survive and progress as a race but if the basic sense of community and discipline is not learned by the Homo Sapien when it is still young and impressionable then when it is old and stubborn it will only contribute chaos to the world. 

Permit me here to digress further for a second while borrowing our friend the rabbit again. Apart from looking cute and eating carrots, there is something else Oryctolagus cuniculus like to do, they like to multiply *evil smile*. The world’s population is expected to increase to 7.13 billion by 2040 - a 40% increase - we are multiplying like bunnies and I think this could be a problem. This is my opinion because as things stand, the demand we are putting on planet earth is already very high and if you are in doubt then go and research on global warming; polar ice-caps are melting, climate is fluctuating and natural disasters are on the rise. Again massive youth unemployment is another problem we are facing and yet we are looking to add more rugrats?? Whoever is planning to be doing any unnecessary mathematics should please stop it now and apply some birth control please; guiding the world’s population may help to curb some global issues.

[Back to the Matter] Your pimp hand needs to be strong! You have to practice that left-back-hand on a tree at least twice a day, morning and night, until you can comfortably take down a tree with just one slap. Then, even a side glance from you would put the fear of God in children and keep them in order. Dennis the what? Gerrarahia! Nga machi gi nti! Igbo for I wee treat your ₤cUk up! Children, kids, kpikin dem need beating! This is why we of the 1980s/90s generation all love our Nigerian mothers and that is particularly why #YouKnowYourMumIsNigerian has been trending for the longest time on social media, those women beat the crap out of us but still, the love is strong! 

Now if you have been blessed with stubborn or troublesome progeny, do not fret nor be disappointed, just apply ‘the look’ and ‘the left hand of god’ and everything will be alright - never use the right hand, it does not instil the same fear of reckless abandon as does the left. Again, remembering that even Dennis the Menace saved his town from potential disaster once and also the fact that he was brilliant at mechanics, I believe there is always hope even for rabid rabbits but first they have to eat my foot! Nonsense!

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[P.S.1] I love little kids and I don’t eat them for breakfast

Next

RAMS ‘N SHEEP - THE GREAT DIVIDE

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[Boxing Commentator Voice-Over]

...and in the left corner, with the biggest economy on one of the 7 continents, the most populous black nation on earth and still the giant of Africa; ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the magnificent West Coast, the creator of Alanta and Shoki, weighing in at 170 million citizens, I give you…Nigeria!!!

[The Crowd Goes Wild!] 

What an entrance, what a republic! 

This ballad of praises sounds much like the introduction of one of the many great chiefs of Igbo land, “Ichie ego kali ego, Onye di n’ísi njedebe, Agu ne li anu ewu-1, Importer/Exporter”. In English, “The chief of too much money, The one who is always ahead, The lion that eats goat meat…and the last bit you already know; Importer/Exporter Koko water”. Nigeria is a country blessed with many things, top of which is her diverse people; we are as numerous as there are types of meat in a Yoruba soup: ‘eron, pomo, shaki, roundabout, tozo…’ the list goes on. Sadly however, despite our glorious introduction, it is heart-breaking to know that within our boarders we are not as tightly bound as the cows in a Hausa man’s heard. We do not see ourselves as one flock; some think they are sheep while others think they are ram. Newsflash, we are one and the same; soft, tasty mutton (meat)!

If there is one thing that I have learnt from the March 2015 elections, it is that Nigeria is divided, sentimentally if you will, along certain lines; religious and tribal being at the fore burner. I remember seeing a post on the internet during that period stating that 'hand me down' tribalism is still pervasive in our country today. This claim was certified for me by some seemingly isolated events, least of which were the mass exodus of southerners from the north, the Oba of Lagos’ inciting statements and the mass exodus of northerners from the south. At a critical point in our history as a nation such as this, we must honestly ask ourselves if we are truly a united sovereignty or if we are simply a superficially glued block of lego. Let us not shy away from speaking of this rather sensitive issue because whether or not we talk about it, the reality on ground is eating away at our unity, our peace and our potential progress. 

The problem of sectarian prejudice did not just begin today, its origin stretches as far back as our independence era (may be even further) and in my opinion the lack of proper reconciliation and even more so, the poor level of education on the events of years passed have allowed the sores of division to fester. Why else would people who traded in salt, cowries and linen long before the coming of colonialism suddenly become frenemies, requiring laws as petty as Federal Character to maintain a fragile peace? Now, still taking a peek down memory lane, we will realize that Nigeria has had 5 successful, 2 abortive, 1 attempted and 3 alleged coups since 1960; making 11 in total! The first coup, led by Major Chukwuma Kaduna Nzeogwu now labelled the ‘Igbo Coup’, led to the death of Sir Ahmadu Bello (The Sadauna of Sokoto), Chief S.I Akintola (The Premiere of the Western Region) amongst others while Major General JTU Aguyi-Ironsi was sworn in as The Military Head of State. The second coup, following just 6 months after, was a counter and retaliatory ‘Northern Action’ that saw Aguyi-Ironsi along with Colonel Francis Adekunle Fajuyi (The Military Governor of the Western Region) deposed and eliminated. The rest, to be concise, is history.

I have heard and read various accounts of the reasons for Major Nzeogwu’s coup d’etat and most are centered around the fact that the politicians back then - much like today - were corrupt and were running the country to the ground - ah, so no be today politicians dia wahala start. Unfortunately however, the coup was poorly executed in certain parts of the country and there were strong allegations of tribalism. This, in my opinion, is the single most significant cause of the cracks in our oneness. Again, I am of the opinion that if there had been no bloodshed in that first coup, the cracks in our glasshouse today would have been far less severe. 

Now, I cannot say that I hold the youth of today or even the adults (the youth of yesterday) completely responsible for whatever biases they may hold. I say this because most of them have long since been washed and set in ideologies such as “Hmm, so and so people are wicked, so and so people are dirty, those ones are noisy and can’t even cook, all the people from that area are witches and so on and so forth”. It is akin to the way school children are hypnotized into taking the sound of a bell as law, so much so that long after graduating, the ding-a-ling of a bell subconsciously either makes them stand still, start to move or even glance around frantically for fear of being whipped. The negative stereotypes that people imbibe are ‘dings-’ and if ‘a-ling’ come the people that they have learnt to hate, they will surely act out; as a bell once swung must complete its ring. Prolonged exposure to brainwashing is terribly difficult to overcome even with conscious efforts but still, we must overcome!

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Please do not assume that I am speaking today of only the friction between our major tribes or regions, even within these greater constituencies, one hears of the pettiest of village feuds and inter-ethnic scorn and if one dares to trace the history of these troubles, the result would be no greater than a missing goat, disappearing yam or vanishing cobs of corn, ridiculous!

So whether or not tribalism in Nigeria is indeed handed down or even if it is simply personally acquired, the fact remains that there are signs that this cancer may be significantly present in 2015 Nigeria; a Nigeria in which we elegantly proclaim positive change. If you are in doubt or are simply looking for day to day evidence, then listen to these. Many southerners strongly believe that they are deliberately refused permanent jobs in the north, in fact, I have heard from the grape vine that you cannot find any - of course, this is an extreme view - southerners who are permanent state staff of Northern Nigerian states (they are rather employed on contract basis). Again from the vine, I have heard that in the teaching service in Lagos - probably the most socially mixed state in the country - that if one is not an 'indigene' one will probably never be appointed a principal or even vice-principal except one knows ‘somebody’ and because of this, level 15 and 16 officers are appointed as principles and vice-principles above their superiors in level 17 (I know this last bit to be a fact). The grape has revealed to me that there are many saddened ex-fiancé who claim that they could not get the girl of their dreams because the parents of their Igbo girlfriends objected to the non-igbo-ness of their origins. These may all be stories making the rumour mill but I beg you to remember that sometimes perception and imagination can overpower reality, so we must never take rumours for granted; for where there is smoke, there might just be fire.

The unbelievable bitterness seen on social media during the Nigeria Decides escapade has shown that young Nigerians are not entirely free of tribal pigheadedness, a sad and dangerous situation which could have disastrous future consequences if not properly checked. I proffer that we start teaching history as part of our mandatory basic education because the danger of not knowing our story is that we are bound to repeat the mistakes of our past including unnecessary bloodshed. In fact, why are the tales of our civil war not taught in schools? After all, even kindergarteners in America have civil war re-enactment dramas. These plays ensure that children know the general truth about their war and that no one can easily twist their minds; the theatrics also teach the children that peace has been made by all parties and that they are now truly one. We have to tell our children the stories of our heroes, villains, successes and failures, so that they do not repeat the mistakes of their forefathers (and mothers) and so also that past labours shall never be in vain. 

The immediate past governor of Lagos, Mr Babatunde Raji Fashola once said, and I quote, "Tell those who try to divide us that our greatest strength has always been our diversity." I truly believe this and say to those who jest that fixing a broken mirror or in our case glasshouse will never hide its cracks, “Melt the damn pieces down and cast a new and better piece, the previous one was probably already old fashioned.” - Me, H33Revary.

I believe there is still a lot of hope for Nigeria; the way we banded together to tackle one of our own in diaspora, Jidenna - the Classic Man himself - when we felt he slighted our motherland and the support we gave to Kenyans shouting #SomeoneTellCNN when the American Cable News Network disrespectfully referred to Africa’s home of wildlife as a ‘Hot Bed’ of terrorism tells me that there is indeed hope for us yet, to truly bond and get rid of our great mental divide. We are one *Plays Lion King Music*.

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[P.S.] As I was grooving to the “Looku Looku” video by the Mavins on MTV Base like the gangster sheep above (btw loved the MAMA2015 Award Show in Durban), a shirt with ‘Believe in Nigeria’ boldly printed on it, being worn by one buff guy like that caught my attention and you know what I said to myself? I said, “Make I bend if I gree say this guy buff pass me!” and then I started doing pushups, lol. Kiss someone from another state today so that Nigeria can truly become the United 36 States of West Africa (plus FCT).

Next

EKAETTE - THE LAST FUFU BENDER

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Imagine a world created from the most vivid of imaginations; a place where anything and everything is possible, now in that world imagine a fierce and beautiful young woman; an Efik/Ibibio warrior princess. If your mind's eye is anywhere as good as mine then I trust you have a vision of the shapely silhouette of a ‘smoking hot’ young model, early twenties and looking like Obra (@obra_manuel), against the backdrop of blinding white light, wearing nothing but the essential traditional two-piece (of course you can’t see much detail, it’s just a silhouette so please, remember to sensor Obra’s essentials). 

Now imagine this warrior of a princess ‘bending’ a slightly off-white pseudo-elastic solid mass, melding and crafting it so flawlessly mid-air; her stance one from crouching tiger hidden dragon, the entire scene graceful, she looks absolutely divine. This is the last great bender, the mass she mysteriously controls is fufu and her name is Ekaete! Iya (Efik/Ibbio exclamation)! [If your imagination is not so great then find and watch Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Air Bender]. Ekaete is a duchess and a fighter, a greatly attractive irony but a reality nonetheless in her world, she chooses her own destiny and that is why she stands tall as she subdues your imagination!

The world generally still seems to have this predefined role for women; cook, have babies, clean then repeat (sounds more like ‘live, die, repeat’ to me). Most men and even some females believe that women are only here to please their male counterparts and nothing more. ‘Fortunate’ to have been born a man, I ought not to be concerned about this status quo, these traditions if you will (I should actually be happy about them) but after seeing the struggle that many women go through and after hearing the tales of even more female suffering, I am compelled to distance myself from this please-the-man mentality and even kick against it. Some people may now be thinking “Gender inequality, that doesn’t really still exist, does it?” and to them I dedicate the rest of this paragraph.  In some parts of the world today, women are NOT allowed to drive cars, in other parts women have NO say what happens in their lives; they are simply given off once they are ripe or even when they are still unripe (as long a male customer is willing to take), in other places young girls are refused the same opportunities that young boys are afforded; education being the worst of these in my opinion (Ask Malala Yousafzai, the 18 year old Pakistani who was shot by the Taliban for promoting female learning rights). So the answer to your pondering, “Does gender inequality still exist?” is yes, yes it does.

Let me be the first to confess that the predefined roles that many women today are confined to may have existed in the past for certain reasons but I will also be the first to doubt that all of those reasons still exist today. There is a need for us to unshackle ourselves from the fetters of mental slavery and chains of blind acceptance and warmly embrace the freedom of open-minded curiosity so that we may dare to question and truly understand the raisons d’étre - the reasons why things are the way they are. 

I was privileged to have attended a Catholic secondary boarding school where at one point in time we had Rev. Fr. John (SJ) as principle; one day Fr. John told us a story and I will share that story with you; but first... 

Stepping into our own backyard, Nigeria that is, I still hear stories in this 2015, Year of Change, of women with toddlers and suckling infants that are most unfortunate to have become widows and who are now being accused of ‘killing’ their husbands with dark magic - a widower is never accused of killing his wife. These already grieving widows are left with nothing but the burden of raising their children alone while the departed man’s entire extended family descends like a kettle of vultures to squabble for the carcass that is their brother’s property and God forbid that the woman wants to remarry; all hell will break loose! If the reverse were the case, however, a generous widower would probably wait a year or so to mourn before zooming off to the chapel again, the not so generous widower would probably just bring his side-chick into the main house; abi I dey lie?

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I shall take this opportunity to digress slightly as I believe this is the best piece in which to address a certain issue. I tend to hear a lot of things through the grapevine (you know say my connection na wireless) and the most recent ‘hearings’ sent shock and disgust through my system. You remember that song “Ekaette by Maye Hunta”, the lyrics go “Na who give Ekaette belle …” yes I am sure you do. The song is telling us about a man having an affair (consensual insensuals) with his maid. What the grapevine has however fed me, is Ekaetta+; the molestation of young female house-helps (little girls aged 12 to 16) by Senior Bros and Uncus (old men)! What kind of evil spirit is disturbing some people, eh!? These men are surely not younger than 35, they need to be castrated by rubber-band! There is Allen Avenue in Ikeja to quench thirst, bros biko (men please) leave small girls alone! What sickens me the most is when a little girl summons the courage to report her ordeal and she is gruffly reprimanded and cast away with words like “Ashawo, no destroy my husband house for me oo! (Prostitute, don’t destroy my marriage!)”. There is a general willingness to believe whatever a man says while completely disregarding a woman’s testimony, in fact the girl may even be accused of attempting to seduce the man when in fact she was abused; the man always wins. The effects of this kind of trauma can last a life time but if you doubt me just read H by Iammstagram.

[So The Story] A man had a wife who used to cook; she liked cooking for him not that she had to or any chauvinistic situation like that. After a while, he noticed that his wife would buy a large piece of meat from the market and always cut out a particular part and dispose of it. Now, because awon oko wa (our husband) has no culinary skills (typical guy and the real reason we all want to force women to cook) he did not know why his wife was throwing some juicy looking piece of meat away. He summoned courage one day, asked his wife and she answered “That’s what my mother does”. First child is born, mother-in-law comes to visit, husband asks and the new grandma says “That’s what my mother does”. Thankfully, great-grandma is still alive, it is a Yoruba couple, and you know how my owambe people (party people) like to marry early. Great grandma’s 90th birthday is here, they visit, man asks super-grandma and she answers “We did not have freezers in my day so that piece of meat would still end up spoiling so I would just throw it away”. Man turns to his wife and mother-in-law, their expression….flabbagasted! 

The moral of the story is to not follow tradition blindly, is to not continue a custom without at least understanding the basis on which the practice stands or stood if it should now be obsolete (Imagine the quantity of meat that has been wasted through the years, chai see potential suya!). Women were once relegated to the kitchen and menial chores because, in my opinion, men are naturally more built for physical work and so while they were away hunting and cutting trees, their ladies would set to the house but today we have washing machines, vacuum cleaners and chain saws, so we ought to have surpassed the natural bias of nature.

Women are capable of anything and can do more than just subdue our imaginations; they can also subdue reality just as well as any man (sorry I won’t say better, I am still a man). The Disney movie ‘Frozen’ shocked me a bit at its ending, I am sure a lot of people (like myself) were expecting that 'Big brave Prince Charming saves the helpless Princess' ending but boy were we wrong. Disney decided to spice things up, ‘Sister Sister’ saved the day this time. It was like a breath of fresh air to me, something different, a departure from the idea that women need saving and always from men. It seems change has also reached Walt Disney (we should ask Buhari and the APC if they have a hand in this). Anything and everything is possible in our world today, women can be both fierce and beautiful and they ought to be able to do whatever they want. Effik, Ibibio, Kalabari, Nigerian, African or wherever in the world they come from, we must no longer limit women to the traditional role of bending fufu for us men to eat.

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[P.S.] I know this may have looked like a mouthwatering piece to some and others only opened this piece because they thought it was food related so let me refer you to Iya Obra's kitchen (before you swear for me). Also, I remember seeing a handle on twitter, ‘the last Fanta Bender’ or was it just ‘Fanta Bender’ I can’t remember exactly but what I can say for certain is that this name stuck with me and I knew one day it would be useful so this is a shout out to the real Fanta Bender for inspiring my imagination.

Next

GREAT ASSASSINS, HIGHEST KILLERS

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What does it take to be a professional, a great assassin; the highest amongst killers? Does it take a stellar body count or is it the finesse with which the work is done? - The age old quantity versus quality dilemma. Whenever the word ‘assassin’ is mentioned or as Nigerians prefer ‘hired killer’, even the most inept English speakers know that merchants of death are prowling round in the developing conversation, ready to eliminate any target at a moment’s notice - you go fear killer. Throughout history, there have been many men renowned for the art, no, gifted in the science of spilling red juice just as effectively as children take apart blocks of Lego - you go fear talent. At this point I must warn that this piece is not for the faint of heart and so if you are squeamish, I must advice you to turn back now, go and read The After School Special, The Bogey Man’s Town or any other older piece.

[Back to the story] We will always remember the ‘greats’ like Britain’s Jack the Reaper aka Whitechapel’s 1888 Surgeon of Death who went after prostitutes, slashing throats and surgically removing internal organs; our very own Clifford Orji the Cannibal who roasted and ate fresh human flesh caught live at Oshodi Underbridge, Lagos - our own na only stomach infrastructure, ode - and America’s Richard Kuklinski aka The Iceman, a mob contract killer famous for freezing his victims to mask the time of their deaths, real cold!

Human beings are really high up on the killing chain, constantly inventing new ways and techniques to put an end to noisy neighbours, friends or for the professionals, clients’ problems. Richard ‘The Iceman’ kuklinski alone is speculated to have handled the demise of between 100 and 250 people from 1948 to 1986 for the DeCavalante Family; he was only one man, think of what others have been doing. To establish once and for all the identity of the true ‘highest’, one of the world’s leading billionaires turned philanthropist, Bill Gates, released new details on the biggest butchers - it seems Mr Microsoft is also a fan of hired killers - and guess who is standing tall at number one. Nope, it's not man *drum roll please* it is mosquitoes! 

Forget that their name comes from Spanish, sounds sexy and literarily means ‘little fly’, these ferocious insects are the biggest and baddest boys (and girls) and have reportedly claimed about 50% of every human life that has ever existed or so they say. Let me put things in better perspective for you. Sharks take out 10 lucky people for seafood every year, lions take another 100, crocodiles score ten times higher than the king of the jungle with 1000 and our best friends, dogs are positioned at number four with 25,000 hits. The top three as you can imagine are in another class of their own with snakes slithering an average of 50,000, man killing 475,000 of his own for sport or whatever his excuses - thank goodness I'm a Revolutionary from Mars - and mosquitoes *prostrates* taking the cake with a whopping 500,000 (estimate of 584,000 in 2013 alone) deaths each year! Igwe!!!

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The top killers carry the plasmodium parasite - Anopheles species only, Culex and Aedes do their own thing - which they transmit through bites between dusk and dawn, you go fear timetable. There are several species of plasmodium but plasmodium falciparum is the most deadly to people usually resulting in....Fatality! Majority of cases of this disease are in Sub-Saharan Africa but it is a problem in 109 out of the total 196 independent nations of the world, 45 of which are African. Our continent accounts for 85% of global malaria cases and 90% of deaths worldwide; 85% of these are children below the age of 5. If you think snakes are bad because a black mamba bite kills in 15 minutes then think again: every 60 seconds a child dies from malaria, or so they claim. This tropical disease causes avoidable and catastrophic spending even more so in countries like Nigeria, where the National Health Insurance Scheme, NHIS, isn’t the greatest (Malaria kills 300,000 children annually in Nigeria).

Mal-aria, a word of Italian origin meaning ‘bad air’, is such a serious issue that fighting it is now a Millennium Development Goal (MDG); bad air costs an estimated $12 billion in year to year productivity. Treated nets, insecticides and Artemisinin-based combination therapy are helping to make the battle a bit fair but only education on environment and significant development can truly win the war; as things stand, there are still an estimated 207 million cases of plasmodium infestation each year. 

[Funny story] Despite the ferocity of these wild creatures, it is reassuring to know that music still soothes the savage beast. I noticed the other night while I was gallantly strumming my guitar in the Spanish flamenco style, as a bad guy that you know I am, a hoard of mosquitoes appeared before me and started dancing - aswear! Maybe they understand Spanish. I tried to take a picture but as soon as I stopped playing, they all flew away, true story! No mind me jare, I just borrow pesin guitar pose small, lol.

[Back to Assassins and Killer Malaria] There is probably nothing worse than a mosquito perching around your ears at night when you are trying to fall asleep, malaria probably is but that’s not the point at the moment. It makes me feel like pulling out a magnum and ending the discussion right there and then! *thug mode activated*. If you read last week’s piece then you will remember that I now shower late at night because of mosquito attacks but I have, however, realised the silver lining to this fluttery dark cloud. If mosquitoes bite you and you eventually get malaria, bruh, you go sleep like landlord! Seriously, however, I wish we could be free from these top class assassins just as Ireland is free from snakes so that we can dare to sleep under the moolight and stop losing all these lives. 

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[P.S.] I just thought it would interest you to know that there is such a thing as an Assassin bug; 10,000 deaths per annum with Chagas disease and also the Asian tiger mosquito; chikungunya virus and dengue fever, nasty stuff. 

Shout out to the Rebel CJ (@shadowreaver_), he's my go to guy on all affairs thug and mob, in fact, this piece had to receive his blessings before it was released, he is a Godfather. His right hand man, is a bad guys as well....Shakez Baba (this one na hitman o, he dey rap dey sing; he has this crazy Diamond Bank advert and all his stuff man, way too deep!).


Next

THE BOGEY MAN’S TOWN

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Off in the shadows, deep down in far away closet-land, do you know who lives there?? The terrifying, spine-chilling Bogeyman! 

I have recently picked up quite the peculiar habit and by that I mean taking hot showers at the oddest hour, when the night sky is ink as black, when the man in the shadows comes out to play. Whenever I'm enjoying my new favourite pastime and something goes ‘bump’, I chuckle to myself and remember a time when such trifling sounds would have sent me flying, running faster than a rabbit escaping a fox - because I thought the petrifying Bogeyman was coming.

I chose to twist the description of my shower-hour night sky - ‘Ink as black’ instead of ‘black as ink’ - because it is apt to describe how what once was the descriptor can lose its place to the descriptee and become the described, do you follow? Let me break it down; bread is soft can become soft is bread or better yet Honourables (National Assembly) are wrestlers can become wrestlers are Honourables. The Bogeyman and his minions have designed and fabricated a thriller of a twister, my personal favourite and the greatest of all twisters; Nigeria lives in Darkness has become Darkness lives in Nigeria!

It has now been more than five decades since our independence yet the concept of steady light is still so far away, why? Even Ghana that we supply gas for their generating turbines has more stable power than we do. How is that even possible? Let me tell you *moves closer and whispers* someone keeps flipping off the lights...

The translation for those of us that do not understand coded gist is this, we get plenty thief for our country o. Nigerians tend to shy away from shouting out the truth but me, I am a new breed and I have a personal motto, “Say the truth or die lying.” Why is it that generating a few thousand megawatts of electricity has been so difficult despite the millions that have been poured into the power fuel tank? I will say it again *loudly this time* there is a man in the shadows whipping up twisters, tornadoes, NEPA, PHCN and other natural and unnatural disasters, God save us all.

So who is this Bogey-man and how does he do what he does? The answer to that question is quite simple but yet so complex, notwithstanding, you will get your reply. There will, however, be no naming of names - because there is no irrefutable evidence in my possession to corroborate this - rather a few things will be pointed out and you can decipher the identity of the Bogey for yourself. Nous commençons, We begin...

First, why should an individual who is simply an importer of fuel be on Forbes billionaires' list, one of only 29 in Africa for 2015 at that! A millionaire maybe but a billionaire, really?? I can wager that the bulk of fuel used in Nigeria is not for transportation - cars and trucks, the inevitable stuff - but rather for generators and private power supply. I give you my reason. 

According to a staff of one filling station very close to my house, they sell off 3 fully loaded fuel tankers on average in a week, but one week like that, when Johnny (President Emeritus Goodluck Ebele Jonathan) was still president, we had a bit of constant light. This fuel attendant told me that not up to a quarter of a single tanker was sold in that particular week! Now, are you really trying to tell me that you believe that the people who are making what I like to call ‘heavy light money’ will be willing to just release that égo to allow Nigerians see NEPA!? Mbanu! Not at all!

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Next you have the situation of generator importation. Open your eyes mate *Australian Accent* you and I both know that ‘oyinbo people dem’ - Americans, Europeans and sometimes Arabs and Asians - have relatively constant power supply in their respective countries. Do you even watch the news? Even in Syria and Bagdad of Iraq where they are fighting and constantly throwing bomb there is light, not to talk of places like Palestine and Israel where they have been fighting for years.

So what on earth stops electricity from entering your father’s house or your bachelor pad? Instead, it is for PHCN officials to ask your community to donate ówó to buy new transformer that they, the officials, will go and buy. The answer is simple, we have thieves! I can again wager that the number of generators we have in Nigerian homes is far more than what can be found in the homes of the countries producing these machines. So are you telling me that an entire country - like China or India - just decided to open shop for us out of the kindness of their hearts?! Please shift left abeg.

If you ask me, there must be a system in place that is benefiting some particular individuals, Bogeymen, some of whom without a doubt are supposed to be patriotic Nigerians - at least their international blood sucking partners are earning their motherland some foreign exchange. Somebody is making sure that we remain in the dark so that we will always need generators, and if you need a generator what do you do? You buy one of course, did I need to tell you that?

The reason night time showering has become part of my modus operandi is that mosquitoes have been attacking; no light equals no fans or air conditioning which means open windows and for some, doors, to allow air and unfortunately mosquitoes, hired killers, through. Are all we need not power stations, transmission lines and the fuel that is overflowing in our backyard? With all the funds that have been pumped into the sector, the Lord knows we should have more power than we need. The fuel and major generator importers along with other agents of darkness have become billionaires at our expense and even flagrantly donate to political parties who willingly accept such unscrupulous funds - all allegedly. Some of these agents even give bribes to Honourables ‘allegedly again’ and say it is an ‘undercover’ operation. (Google ‘Nigerian Oil Marketer Bribes Law Maker’)

The effect of our continued existence in the dark is debilitating to our economy and to us s human beings. On the average it reportedly costs three times more to generate electricity in your home than it does industrially. Would it be a crime if the now privatised electricity companies were proficient and we used that extra ‘fuel money’ to visit KFC or Mama Put or even just flex or buy agbada?

Now to the light issue itself. Yes we know General ‘No Nonsense’ Buhari is now our president and it seems that since he finally entered Aso Rock, some of the 'witches' that have been sucking our blood have been running away. We would honestly like to know the names of these mosquitoes, how they came to attach themselves and how they have managed to remain incognito for so long. Nevertheless, if #SaiBaba and #UncuFashola are permanently able to twist Nigeria lives in Light to Light lives in Nigeria, I tell you, even some certain water to wine Superstar would be proud of them.

Only light can truly dispel darkness and its shadow dwellers and when I say light, I mean 'Up Nepa!' As I was passing through a usually dark alley close to where I live, I realized it was well lit up; there was light. Again, I noticed the lingering tension and subtle aggression that were usually palpable were nonexistent. What shocked me the most was that the Area boys who were usually gruff and sullen were chatty and cheerful. I almost ran away on the count of 'too much happiness' - it could have been a trap, gats watch your back mahn. What am I trying to say, just for the simple fact that there was light, people were happy and smiling instead of suffering and feigning smiles.

Unfortunately however, the darkness is still pervasive and you know who lives in its shadows, but wait! If the Bogey man lives in the dark and the darkness lives in Nigeria then I guess that makes Nigeria, The Bogey Man’s Town! I hope he is not here to stay forever. 

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[P.S.] I came across an essay by a freshly discharged corper Mr Osarodion Ogbebor-Evans for the Nigerian Innovation competition. The contest’s topic was ‘How to Fight Poverty with your Profession’. As a Solar Systems Designer/Installer (Oboy see the guy title!), Mr Osa (I sure die say na Edo boy) projected that he can help to accelerate growth in the power sector which would snow ball into an increase in standard of living, a reduction in cost of production, a reduction in price of goods and an increase in food production by setting up solar farms in critical locations across the nation to strategically power rural and commercial areas. He states emphatically that this will play a key role in reducing the rate of poverty as his electricity has the potential to power irrigation and store houses, food production, even railways to transport people and products and much more. Mr Osarodion Ogbebor-Evans plans to set up a Renewable Energy Centre with a Design and Manufacturing Wing eventually within our very own boarders. I say we vote for Osa (Click on Osa!).


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