THE HOUSE-33 REVOLUTIONARY: THE DICTATORS

What do you think it takes to become a dictator? What do you think it takes to be feared by many, to hold the power of life and death of a nation in your hands? What do you think it means to be the C.I.C. - Commander In Chief - of a totalitarian government? I believe your image of an ideal man or woman is already in view, but still, let me help you paint a better picture, better than what you may currently have in mind. I want to take you deeper, beyond knowing just the names of ‘famous’ men and women. I want to teach you the true nature of the colours at the base of the dictator’s portrait. This piece is my version of ‘The Interview’ but the difference here is, this was not produced by Sony and not even North Korea can hack my article.

Let’s start the painting here, with the mind and actions of a dictator.

A true autocrat first and foremost gets rid of the notion of freedom of any kind - speech, political association, fresh air - what nonsense, who are ants to believe that they deserve to roam free; he farts and expects you to inhale with joy. The dictator’s word is law, quite naturally, he is a god walking among men. The people are therefore his cattle and he will be merciful and lead them. A good C.I.C. must never have a named successor waiting around; do you want them (the cows) to think that anyone is capable of taking over from him or have you forgotten that he is a god and will never die? Monsieur le Dictateur must resist all opposition with brute force, imprison people Gulag style - Old Russian prisons - and then hang or execute a few as an example to keep the dogs at bay. Any dictator who is worth his salt must also start a few wars or at least take part in some, butcher a few thousand people and if necessary commit genocide here and there. Last but not the least, a totalitarian must rule with the iron fists of hopeless oppression.

Now, can you think of a few good examples that fit this sterling profile? Hitler is most likely one of the only names that hits your consciousness either that or Obama (just kidding). This jamb question may be a bit difficult for some so let us limit things a bit, let us focus on Africa. Do you know Admiral General Aladeen, President and Prime Minister of Wadiya in the Horn of Africa? No? Then you need to watch the 2012 movie starring Sacha Baron Cohen, also the star of the mockumentary Borat: The Dictator! Admiral General Aladeen and his fictional country are a summary of this article.

Back to non-fiction; Africa has seen more than its fair share of hostile rulers and long term 'presidents' that have left a pile of bodies in their wake. Maybe someday, we will be able to look back and estimate the lives and potential we have lost as a continent to the vanity and delusions of grandeur of a few mad men (and women). If we choose to go through them all in detail, there may be no end in sight so we will just be taking a look at a few of Africa's 'baddest' boys. To save time, I shall hence forth add the Title D. (For Dictator) to all who qualify.

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D. Charles Taylor; preacher, warlord and president, is the diamond man of Liberia who freely gave out fist sized diamonds to models like Naomi Cambell. Chai, my sister for don become model o! Trafficking blood diamonds, using child soldiers and allegedly harbouring Al-Queda are part of his rap sheet. Mr. Taylor started civil war (1988 – 1996) against his former boss, Samuel Doe, won the conflict and then executed his old man. Charles reportedly ate the hearts of his enemies, ruling from 1997 to 2003 but thankfully, he has bagged a 50 year sentence at The Hague, our hearts are safe once again.

D. Ahmed Sekou Toure of Guinea a friend to Kwane Nkrumah, Malcom X, John F. Kennedy and an adversary to former French President Charles de Gaulle. Ahmed imprisoned people in camps and invested in mass graves, some of which were discovered in 2002. About 50,000 people are believed to have been killed under the regime of Touré. Xiansheng Sekou (Chinese for Mr. Sekou) died in 1984 after ruling for 26 years. The man is buried in a tomb, like an Egyptian Pharoah. Them for like bury me like this sha.

D. General Sani Abacha of Nigeria, my personal home-boy, the man who cool looking aviator shades (glasses) were once named after, the General whose widow is rumoured to have said that she can never be as poor as Mr Aliko Dangote - see betta poverty. In his 5 year stint, The General oversaw economic growth (surprising) on the one hand and human rights abuses (not surprising) on the other. Abacha's military career is distinguished by a string of successful coups; he is by some records the most successful coup plotter in the history of Nigeria.

Abacha supported the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS) and sent Nigerian troops to Liberia and Sierra Leone for the ECOMOG war. He and his family reportedly stole a total of £5 billion from the country's coffers, issorai! In 2004, Abacha was listed as the fourth most corrupt leader in history and it is reported that General Sani was in the company of two Indian prostitutes imported from Dubai when he died from a sudden heart attack, badoo!) However, Major Hamza Al-Mustapha, his Chief Security Officer (CSO) maintains that the man’s demise began from the Abuja International Airport immediately after one of the white security operatives who accompanied President Yasser Arafat of Palestine shook hands with him - General Abacha.

D. Laurent-Désiré Kabila of the Democratic Republic of Congo was assassinated in Kinshasa in 2001 by one of his kadogo - Swahili for child soldier- personal body guards in operation Mbongo Zero (Buffalo Zero). He led ethnic Tutsis against Hutu forces in 1996 - The First Congo War - and with support from Uganda, Rwanda, and Burundi, he took out Mobutu Sese Seko. Strong man Kabila has also starred posthumously in many movies including, ‘Murder in Kinshasa’.

D. Mobutu Sese Seko also of the Democratic Republic of Congo was a man in a class of his own, ruling the DRC for 31 years, the span of a professional career, on the Popular Movement of the Revolution party. In the 1970s he built himself a mansion worth ₤100m and is estimated to have embezzled between $4 billion and $15 billion. Mobutu, the model African dictator was known to have flown the Concorde just to shop in Paris. Wheriz my own Concorde dey na?

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D. Robert Mugabe the Zimbabwean, I call him the Tea Dictator because tea is one of his country’s main exports. Preceded by Mr. Canaan Banana, President Mugabe has served 28 long years and counting (tuale!). Ethnic cleansing, mass graves and racism against whites are on this man’s resumé. Uncle Roo will be one of the only men that will ever have chaired both the Organization of African Unity (now dissolved) and the African Union (still existing).

The one and only D. Idi Amin Dada of Uganda; I had to save the worst for last. There is no doubt as to who the baddest of them all is. Have you seen The Last King of Scotland, Raid on Entebee, Rise and Fall of Idi Amin, this is the man all these movies were based on, he is a star! His full title as announced on Radio Uganda was “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Alhaji Dr. Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, CBE” (I byn think say na only Nigerians like title). Every list of top dawgs has this man as number one. Idi Amin’s CV is all encompassing, from rights abuse to repression, persecution, extrajudicial activities, nepotism and, you guessed right, corruption are all in there. Amin has been described as having had a Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde personality; charming one moment, brutal the next. He conferred on himself a degree of law and is a reported cannibal, in fact, just go and watch the movies.

The biggest question on many rational minds has always been, “How is a dictator made?” for they are surely not born. What made Hitler declare war on the world and kill over 6 million Jews, what makes these people do what they do? At first glance, one would probably never give a second thought to most of these blokes. Taylor’s father was a teacher; Toure, from a line of aristocrats (his grandfather founded an empire); Abacha was just a military boy from day one; Kabila was a philosopher; Mobutu’s mother was a hotel maid, his father a cook and he himself went to a Catholic boarding school; Mugabe was the third of six children but his father abandoned the family; Amin’s father also abandoned him, his grandmother was a herbalist. The truth is nobody knows what made seemingly ordinary fellows find the despotic path, but if there is one thing that is common among these men, it is charisma. No one follows an uncharismatic warrior into battle no matter how great his strategy may be. Why do you think great generals are remembered not only for their victories but also for the speeches they gave at the dawn of their greatest battles? These men; autocrats, dictators or whatever you may choose to call them, did not chance upon the seat of power, they fought for it and with charisma, they seized their prize.

Finally, are you from a country that has never had its very own dictator?! Then sign up right here because your country doesn’t know what it is missing!

This is the end of the painting and what you have now should look something like Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. If no, then I’m sorry, you are a bad artist and there’s no hope for you (please, biko, don Allah, ejo….na play I dey play abeg!).