HANDOVER FEVER

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The 29th of May 2015 is finally here and Nigeria is set to switch presidents once again. It has been a long road since the campaigns began but we made it despite the caustic rivalries, mudslinging and ghastly prediction that our country would not survive this very year - well, 2015 is not yet over so we need to be careful not to make a prophet of the former US Ambassador to Nigeria, John Campbell. 

Now that we have arrived, there is a new fever in the air. It is the hopes and dreams of Nigerians knocking at history's door with the subtle jitters of what may but might never be. I hope the former is the case. 

Call it Handover fever or Buhari fever, the atmosphere within our borders is rife with expectation and Nigeria is truly at a decisive point in her career as a nation. We are at point at which we can decide to turn from our past of excuses and failures to build bridges to a new life of successes and smiles or a point at which we can decide to remain in the squalor and bitterness of endless end times and unspeakable repression. Yes, the 29th of May is finally here and the Broom of Change has swept the wheels from the Umbrella of Transformation; the All Progressives Congress (APC) shall now control the music to which the Nigerian masquerades must dance.

Every successful swearing in is an opportunity for a new beginning and we have had many opportunities to do things anew. Looking at our story of " May 29th’s " we can see the image of Notre Histoire Présidentielle, and it has gone like this:

The anchor man of the last era, General Abdulsalam Abubakar kicked things off by ending military rule and handing over to President Olusegun Obasanjo, the first civilian Commander in Chief in 1999. Obj, as Obasanjo is popularly known, handed over to Umaru Musa Yar Adua after two terms and a failed third term bid. President Yar Adua who some would say Obasanjo personally handpicked came into office with Goodluck Ebele Jonathan as his Vice, a man who would later succeed him after his untimely departure. President Jonathan - the South-South man - indeed succeeded Umaru after the latter's demise and handed over to himself for an official Goodluck first term. 

Now, after magnanimously conceding defeat in this fifteenth year after the dawn of the millennium, GEJ, as Jonathan is popularly known, is handing over to General Muhammadu Buhari #SaiBuhari who has come a long way from ANPP through CPC through ACN to APC - four political parties! So Buhari is the 4th president of the new Federal Republic of Nigeria (FRN) just as Obama is the 44th president of the United States of America (USA) - don’t worry, we will soon get to double digits. This is a summary of our past new beginnings.

Again, alongside the fever of hopes and dreams in our air, there is another fever, this time of a more malicious nature, stewing in our nation’s pot. This other fever, worse than malaria and more distasteful than the agbo (local herbs) used to cure the disease, is fear. The story of how the number one position in the nation was wrestled from the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) is the story of ‘Nigeria Decides’ and the plethora of messages that followed that close call can be summarised in the letter ‘Dear President Buhari’, these are no longer new stories. 

Since the completion of the election saga, all eyes have been fixed on the day that Buhari was set to take over office. The weeks between these two days - election and handover - have seen a rather tensed polity. The last minute reshuffling of government appointees notably the Inspector General (IG) of Police and the Managing Director (MD) of Nigerian Ports Authority (NPA) and the recent crippling fuel scarcity made many believe that it would rain on the General's parade. I am here to tell you, my fellow Nigerians, to have no fear; the handover will march on! 

Nigeria has decided, like it or not, and the decision placed victory at the feet of the retired General - mind you, once he is sworn in he requests that the title General be dropped from his name. So irrespective of the candidate we supported before the final ballots were counted, we must know now that the die has long since been cast and that we have only one president who we must all rally round and support for the greater good of the nation.

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Being the fourth president of a free republic is a difficult task, especially when that republic is riding along the edge of a cliff, ready to fall off at the slightest touch. This is the task Buhari has opted for: to steer Nigeria away from the brink of destruction, from corruption and decay towards the hope of a better tomorrow. He may not take us to that final destination but setting us on the right tracks would be good enough. 

His is not an enviable task but I sure as hell hope he succeeds - pardon my French. Buhari’s greatest asset is uncertainty, largely because General Muhammadu won this election on his own merits. Despite the help he may have received from several quarters, he has no godfathers whose feet and other body parts he must kiss, he is a free man - politically speaking. 

The actions of free men are unpredictable, hence the uncertainty. This uncertainty is causing insecurity for ‘work one, chop two’ individuals reflecting as underground panic visible only to the astute eye. I hear, from the grape vine, that some government offices and establishments have started ‘repainting’ and ‘refurbishing’ to account for some previously unaccountable expenditure. The fear of Buhari is truly the beginning of wisdom.

As Buhari takes over, we bid Johnny and Madame Patience Goodbye and wish them a happy retired life in Bayelsa. Although I believe President Jonathan was wanting in some sectors, I am not one of those who believe the man failed. You see, he was fighting an uphill battle with mutiny in his ranks but despite it all, there are several battles he can call his own. Sometimes I wonder, what would have happened had President Jonathan won? 

Did he really have a fair chance of winning in peace? We will never know but what we know for sure is that his legacy of the 'phone call' saved Nigeria from what could have been an unsavoury nightmare. Some people are quick to call for war, fire and brimstone - we no go gree mentality - but most of these people have no idea what proper war is. If you really want to know, do not go searching for war pictures on google or even go watching old news clips, go rather and ask anyone - most likely Igbo and over 50 - who lived in the battlefield of the Nigerian Civil War of their experiences. Hear the bitterness in their voices, listen to the dark roads they had to travel, listen to their stories of bullets dropping siblings in view of their very eyes, listen to some tell you how their mothers and sisters were harassed and fathers lined up and shot. Ask them, if you have the courage, of how they watched their mother's baby go from breast feeding to starving. NO, these people do not know what war is. It is surely not a game where you can hit reset, surely not Call of Duty or Battle Field on Xbox One or PS4, so we must never take President Jonathan’s phone call for granted.

As I look above my head tonight, it is a half-moon, not normally the type under which we tell tales but the events of today are a piece of history that must be told even under the darkest of nights: 

Change is here! 

The APC has without a doubt, done well by bringing Nigeria to this vista and I must remind them that Nigeria is an African country through and through and whoever controls the beat of the drums truly controls the rhythm of the people. So I bid APC, play well so we may dance - they can even throw in a bit of Shoki, ahhh….*covers left eye*.

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The handover fever is at its peak but don't sweat it, we will survive!

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TERRORISTS FOR DUMMIES

Akhmed The Dead Terrorist 

First thing's first, if you wish to learn, you must accept that you are a bit of a dummy - my apologies for calling you that, please go on. The thing is I too was also a dummy until recently when I decided to step into the light and leave the darkness of ignorance behind. “What prompted this change?” you may ask. My inquisitive nature is most likely responsible but more possibly, my disbelief in many words that I hear on the news and in the media in general; I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist. I have this believe that there is more to what the interesting looking lady (hot babe) who is more often than not the news anchoress is saying. In my head, she was put there to confuse us - men in particular. 

Now fortunately for you, my church mind has touched me and I have decided to bring you out of the darkness as well - you are welcome, ko si wahala. You shall now become my apprentice and I, your master - Jedi. After reading this piece, the next time you hear the word terrorist on Aljazera, BBC, CNN, NTA or Channels, you should be better informed and know what Amanpour or Chamberlain is talking about. Welcome to Terrorists for Dummies!

Now, I greet.... الله عظيم [Allah hu Akbar], your response is الله عظيم [Allah hu Akbar]. Before we go on, one very important thing you need to learn is that Arabic is a language just like English, French and Yoruba - abi no be so? and just because it is the language that many extremists and alleged extremists today choose to speak does not make it a 'terrorist language', so the next time you hear.... السلام عليكم [Assalamu alaikum] you should know it means peace be upon you and the greeting earlier, a common saying, means God is the greatest. If you are still in doubt of the non-terrorist nature of Arabic, this is how you write Jesus, Buddha, Tsongo and Amadioha in Arabic....يسوع، بوذا، تيالصورةسنزس، و لملدأناسحل. So you see, language like a knife is a tool and its use depends on you; cook or kill.

By the way, I'm sure you have been reading the Arabic stuff all wrong; you go from right to left and not vice versa like most Latin derived dialects. You have now been desensitised to 'Terrorist Arabic', we proceed.

The United Nations Security Council, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) and maybe the European Union (EU) are the big bad judges that decide who is a terrorist or not. Al-Qaeda (القاعدة), the Taliban (طالبان), ISIL (داعش) and Boko Haram have been found guilty of being terrorists. You on the other hand and the ‘big bad judges’ themselves have been found guilty, by these terrorists, of being كافر‎ [Kafir: Infidel]. Let’s get to know our accusers better. 

Al-Qaeda, "The Foundation" formed 1988 is a worldwide organization named after the premiere Afghan training camp for jihadi fighters, ‘The Base’ or in some translations, 'The Foundation'. Established by the godfather of all modern terrorists himself, Osama bin Laden and now controlled by one of his right-hand men Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al-Qaeda has run wars in 9 different countries including Iraq, Somalia and Syria. Bin Laden’s firm is probably most famous for the September 11, 2001 - 9/11 - attacks; crashing planes filled with passengers into the twin towers of the World Trade Center. Professional suicide bombing is an integral part of Al-Qaeda’s operations and I often wonder why the children of the elite terrorists are never suicide bombers. If I remember correctly, Mr. Bin Laden was found in a compound with his wives and children who were very much alive. This same organization is responsible for instigating sectarian violence among Muslims, its leaders regard liberal Muslims: Shias, Sufis and other sects, as heretics and have attacked their mosques and gatherings.

The Taliban, founded 1994 by spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, has been condemned internationally for its brutal treatment of women. What cowardly and weak men, maybe that Afghan man that cut off his wife's hair, ears and nose and broke her teeth in 2007 was a Tali-bad man. They were more popular during Bush the Son’s War on Terror days but I personally don’t hear much of them today - if you hear, abeg tell me.

Osama Bin Laden

ISIS, not the Egyptian goddess of wisdom but Islamic State of Iraq and ash-Sham, was founded in 1999. It joined Al-Qaeda in 2004 and declared an independent state in 2006. ISIS aka ISIL - Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant - however, ditched Al-Qaeda in 2014. This now-in-the-news group is led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, it has territory in 5 countries including, wait for it, Nigeria! Since Boko Haram pledged allegiance, we have become part of their ‘territory’, or at least parts of Borno, Yobe and Adamawa have. Amnesty International has reported ethnic cleansing on a "historic scale" by ISIL. They are known for their well-funded web and social media propaganda, which includes Internet videos of the beheadings of soldiers, civilians, journalists and aid workers as well as the deliberate destruction of cultural heritage sites. They are your tech terrorists. The destruction of cultural heritage specifically pains me greatly because a lot of this art was around before either of the world's two current major religions. ISIS has reportedly recruited Children as young as nine to its ranks. The children are used as human shields on front lines and to provide blood transfusions for Islamic State soldiers, the reports claim.

There are many accounts of sexual abuse and enslavement in ISIL controlled areas of women and girls, predominantly from the minority Christian and Yazidi communities. I thought they were supposed to be holy and not horny men. May Amadioha and Tsongo appropriately strike them!

Boko Haram (BH); these ones are still running around inside the bush in Sambisa Forest and using small girls as suicide bombers. Active since 2002 the Wahhabi group was founded by Mohammed Yusuf and is now led by the elusive and come back from the dead more than once Abubakar Shekau. Officially called جماعة أهل السنة للدعوة والجهاد‎ [The People of Sunnah for Preaching and Jihad], they really went international when they bombed the United Nations building in Abuja and also as the major antagonists of the #BringBackOurGirls campaign. BH has reportedly killed more than 13,000 civilians between 2009 and 2015 and they seem to like kidnapping women and girls, I wonder what they do with them. Their new source of funding I hear is kidnapping wealthy Nigerians or foreigners; they are estimated to receive N200 million ($1 million) ransom for each capture. Since I am a Nigerian and for the sake of my fellow Nigerians, I am obliged to tell you that Boko Haram has shifted its headquarters from Gwoza to Sambisa. No say you by mistake stroll enter Sambisa o, I don warn you.

What do all these so called terrorists and extremists have in common? Apart from being jobless, bloodthirsty chauvinists who like to kidnap and keep females - Amadioha fire them again abeg! They are all Salafist jihadists. The Salafist movement, also known as the Salafi movement, is a movement within Sunni Islam that references the doctrine known as Salafism. They believe that the killing of non-combatants is religiously sanctioned, and they ignore any aspect of religious scripture which might be interpreted as forbidding the murder of non-combatants and internecine fighting - Wikipedia told me this. So now, we know why they bomb in peace, they believe it's cool with The Big Man upstairs.

The closest I have ever been to what I may call a terrorist attack was an incident involving a vehicle, a driver and an interesting looking lady - fine girls seem to be more trouble than they are worth, no? The driver decided to make arguing with this particular lady up in the front seat his priority and at some point, both his hands were clearly of the steering and we were moving at about 90kmph. The bus seemed to be heading for what looked like two tall buildings - In my mind Al-Qaeda, Twin Towers, I don die! - and then I sang, in a screaming voice, “Jesus take the wheeeel!”

The singing/screaming was in my head of course,  I couldn't have the people in the bus thinking that I was perturbed by a mere potential mass murder, by negligence. No, never, such things do not bother me. To summarise what happened on that road, I am still alive - na God o!

Finally, in spite of the levity with which I may have approached some aspects of this 'Terrorist' issue, my aim was to make more people aware that this extremism of a thing is not happening in some far away land like many may currently feel. The danger is already knocking at our doors and we can either chose to keep pretending that we do not see what is going on until the sound of the 'knock' is replaced with the 'boom' of a grenade bursting through our walls - believe me, there will be no Bruno Mars to catch anything for you - or we can face reality head on and not only solve the problem as we see it but also, and more importantly, solve the central cause of all this nonsense.

I say get the people some good jobs; get them cattle to herd or some desks to sit at and work. This tide needs to be stemmed before its waves consume us.

Boko Haram

You have now graduated into enlightenment and are no longer a 'dummy'. The force and Alsalam walaikum - you should know what this means now.

Next

THE DICTATORS

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What do you think it takes to become a dictator? What do you think it takes to be feared by many, to hold the power of life and death of a nation in your hands? What do you think it means to be the C.I.C. - Commander In Chief - of a totalitarian government? I believe your image of an ideal man or woman is already in view, but still, let me help you paint a better picture, better than what you may currently have in mind. I want to take you deeper, beyond knowing just the names of ‘famous’ men and women. I want to teach you the true nature of the colours at the base of the dictator’s portrait. This piece is my version of ‘The Interview’ but the difference here is, this was not produced by Sony and not even North Korea can hack my article.

Let’s start the painting here, with the mind and actions of a dictator.

A true autocrat first and foremost gets rid of the notion of freedom of any kind - speech, political association, fresh air - what nonsense, who are ants to believe that they deserve to roam free; he farts and expects you to inhale with joy. The dictator’s word is law, quite naturally, he is a god walking among men. The people are therefore his cattle and he will be merciful and lead them. A good C.I.C. must never have a named successor waiting around; do you want them (the cows) to think that anyone is capable of taking over from him or have you forgotten that he is a god and will never die? Monsieur le Dictateur must resist all opposition with brute force, imprison people Gulag style - Old Russian prisons - and then hang or execute a few as an example to keep the dogs at bay. Any dictator who is worth his salt must also start a few wars or at least take part in some, butcher a few thousand people and if necessary commit genocide here and there. Last but not the least, a totalitarian must rule with the iron fists of hopeless oppression.

Now, can you think of a few good examples that fit this sterling profile? Hitler is most likely one of the only names that hits your consciousness either that or Obama (just kidding). This jamb question may be a bit difficult for some so let us limit things a bit, let us focus on Africa. Do you know Admiral General Aladeen, President  and Prime Minister of Wadiya in the Horn of Africa? No? Then you need to watch the 2012 movie starring Sacha Baron Cohen, also the star of the mockumentary Borat: The Dictator! Admiral General Aladeen and his fictional country are a summary of this article.

Back to non-fiction; Africa has seen more than its fair share of hostile rulers and long term 'presidents' that have left a pile of bodies in their wake. Maybe someday, we will be able to look back and estimate the lives and potential we have lost as a continent to the vanity and delusions of grandeur of a few mad men (and women). If we choose to go through them all in detail, there may be no end in sight so we will just be taking a look at a few of Africa's 'baddest' boys. To save time, I shall hence forth add the Title D. (For Dictator) to all who qualify.

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D. Charles Taylor; preacher, warlord and president, is the diamond man of Liberia who freely gave out fist sized diamonds to models like Naomi Cambell. Chai, my sister for don become model o! Trafficking blood diamonds, using child soldiers and allegedly harbouring Al-Queda are part of his rap sheet. Mr. Taylor started civil war (1988 – 1996) against his former boss, Samuel Doe, won the conflict and then executed his old man. Charles reportedly ate the hearts of his enemies, ruling from 1997 to 2003 but thankfully, he has bagged a 50 year sentence at The Hague, our hearts are safe once again.

D. Ahmed Sekou Toure of Guinea a friend to Kwane Nkrumah, Malcom X, John F. Kennedy and an adversary to former French President Charles de Gaulle. Ahmed imprisoned people in camps and invested in mass graves, some of which were discovered in 2002. About 50,000 people are believed to have been killed under the regime of Touré. Xiansheng Sekou (Chinese for Mr. Sekou) died in 1984 after ruling for 26 years. The man is buried in a tomb, like an Egyptian Pharoah. Them for like bury me like this sha.

D. General Sani Abacha of Nigeria, my personal home-boy, the man who cool looking aviator shades (glasses) were once named after, the General whose widow is rumoured to have said that she can never be as poor as Mr Aliko Dangote - see betta poverty. In his 5 year stint, The General oversaw economic growth (surprising) on the one hand and human rights abuses (not surprising) on the other. Abacha's military career is distinguished by a string of successful coups; he is by some records the most successful coup plotter in the history of Nigeria.

Abacha supported the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS) and sent Nigerian troops to Liberia and Sierra Leone for the ECOMOG war. He and his family reportedly stole a total of £5 billion from the country's coffers, issorai! In 2004, Abacha was listed as the fourth most corrupt leader in history and it is reported that General Sani was in the company of two Indian prostitutes imported from Dubai when he died from a sudden heart attack, badoo!) However, Major Hamza Al-Mustapha, his Chief Security Officer (CSO) maintains that the man’s demise began from the Abuja International Airport immediately after one of the white security operatives who accompanied President Yasser Arafat of Palestine shook hands with him - General Abacha.

D. Laurent-Désiré Kabila of the Democratic Republic of Congo was assassinated in Kinshasa in 2001 by one of his kadogo - Swahili for child soldier-  personal body guards in operation Mbongo Zero (Buffalo Zero). He led ethnic Tutsis against Hutu forces in 1996 - The First Congo War - and with support from Uganda, Rwanda, and Burundi, he took out Mobutu Sese Seko. Strong man Kabila has also starred posthumously in many movies including, ‘Murder in Kinshasa’.

D. Mobutu Sese Seko also of the Democratic Republic of Congo was a man in a class of his own, ruling the DRC for 31 years, the span of a professional career, on the Popular Movement of the Revolution party. In the 1970s he built himself a mansion worth ₤100m and is estimated to have embezzled between $4 billion and $15 billion. Mobutu, the model African dictator was known to have flown the Concorde just to shop in Paris. Wheriz my own Concorde dey na?

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D. Robert Mugabe the Zimbabwean, I call him the Tea Dictator because tea is one of his country’s main exports. Preceded by Mr. Canaan Banana, President Mugabe has served 28 long years and counting (tuale!). Ethnic cleansing, mass graves and racism against whites are on this man’s resumé. Uncle Roo will be one of the only men that will ever have chaired both the Organization of African Unity (now dissolved) and the African Union (still existing).

The one and only D. Idi Amin Dada of Uganda; I had to save the worst for last. There is no doubt as to who the baddest of them all is. Have you seen The Last King of Scotland, Raid on Entebee, Rise and Fall of Idi Amin, this is the man all these movies were based on, he is a star! His full title as announced on Radio Uganda was “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Alhaji Dr. Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, CBE” (I byn think say na only Nigerians like title). Every list of top dawgs has this man as number one. Idi Amin’s CV is all encompassing, from rights abuse to repression, persecution, extrajudicial activities, nepotism and, you guessed right, corruption are all in there. Amin has been described as having had a Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde personality; charming one moment, brutal the next. He conferred on himself a degree of law and is a reported cannibal, in fact, just go and watch the movies.

The biggest question on many rational minds has always been, “How is a dictator made?” for they are surely not born. What made Hitler declare war on the world and kill over 6 million Jews, what makes these people do what they do? At first glance, one would probably never give a second thought to most of these blokes. Taylor’s father was a teacher; Toure, from a line of aristocrats (his grandfather founded an empire); Abacha was just a military boy from day one; Kabila was a philosopher; Mobutu’s mother was a hotel maid, his father a cook and he himself went to a Catholic boarding school; Mugabe was the third of six children but his father abandoned the family; Amin’s father also abandoned him, his grandmother was a herbalist. The truth is nobody knows what made seemingly ordinary fellows find the despotic path, but if there is one thing that is common among these men, it is charisma. No one follows an uncharismatic warrior into battle no matter how great his strategy may be. Why do you think great generals are remembered not only for their victories but also for the speeches they gave at the dawn of their greatest battles? These men; autocrats, dictators or whatever you may choose to call them, did not chance upon the seat of power, they fought for it and with charisma, they seized their prize.

Finally, are you from a country that has never had its very own dictator?! Then sign up right here because your country doesn’t know what it is missing! 

This is the end of the painting and what you have now should look something like Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. If no, then I’m sorry, you are a bad artist and there’s no hope for you (please, biko, don Allah, ejo….na play I dey play abeg!).

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I hope you have been left with an impression of wonderful dictators, have a revolutionary day.


Next

THE LOCAL HOGWARTS EXPRESS

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Image Source)

The Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry is the institution for the best and finest sorcerers in England, nay, the world; producing the likes of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, Karishika (ask Nollywood), maybe Ron Weasley but definitely Tom Marvolo Riddles better known as Lord Voldermot. The Hogwarts express is that lovely bright red train on King's Cross Station platform 9&3/4s that drove us for more than a decade through an impossible world of secret chambers, magic stones, dragons, prisons, phoenixes and deathly hallows. The world of Hogwarts was a splendid dream and we thank Joanne K. Rowling for that world, but no matter how pleasant a dream may be, we need to wake up sometime.

I heard a cock crow the other day for the first time in ages; probably because I was in my grandfather’s countryside home. It reminded me of how much more simple life is outside cities like Lagos and Los Angeles and at the same time, it reminded me of the fears that people have of things that go bump in the night - not the Bogeyman, next level bumping. I remembered the last time I heard the call of a nocturnal bird in Lagos and the reaction of anti-demonic incantations and ‘casting&binding’ it elicited from the people around me - don’t even let me get started on what happens when Nigerians (West Africans) see a cat. I was quite saddened that day because I am and will always be a lover of birds, a fan of the National Geographic channel and other wild life and nature shows, it was just a bird doing what it does.

The problem of ‘witchcraft and wizardry’ in Nigeria has become an issue that needs to be discussed. The fear of the dark-arts seems to be taking over the rational mind of the people; they do or refuse to do a lot in the name of creatures and spirits that ‘fly at night’, it is almost as if we are going back to the dark ages. Although I have never seen any person or unnatural creature flying above my roof at night, and hope never to see any, the belief that this phenomenon is real and strongly influences the day to day life of our society is firmly planted in the heads and hearts of so many across the country. It is akin to the belief of the Greeks of old in the Moirai, the Sisters of Faith seen in Hercules as the three witches sharing an eye. Unfortunately however, I am currently not speaking of folklore like the Leprechauns of the Irish but rather of truly evil creatures of misery and death that are running amok today, real life wizards or so they claim.

The belief that there are groups of people who meet in strange places in the dead of the night to plan nothing but the downfall of their families and neighbours is quite frankly enshrined. I cannot say for certain but I believe this has lent momentum to the proliferation of religious houses, deliverance sessions and overnight crusades that would be difficult to miss were you to take a stroll around the country. Fortunately for the Europeans and North Americans, I would say, they have long since burnt their evil practitioners at the stakes and if there are any witches left, their craft must have been put to better use; making mobile phones instead of magic mirrors and high speed jets instead of flying broomsticks.

 Wiccan (Image Source)

The reason I believe this situation of ethereal fears, legitimate or not, needs to be discussed is that it seems to have engendered an atmosphere where nobody is responsible for his or her own actions and inactions anymore. If anything goes wrong or is not just right, one simply has to blame any of the many ‘witches’ shooting ‘evil arrows’ from the villages. For instance, a plane crashes and there is no proper investigation into the cause of the crash, rather people postulate the individual in the flight who must have been the target of evil entities. People have switched reason for ‘my pastor said’ and I find this disturbing. We have to realise that clergy often speak figuratively because if this were not the case then some among us would be sheep and eat grass while others would be goats and well, still eat grass.

A friend recently told me of his experience of almost being mobbed by a group of religious crusaders for politely, as he claimed, and sincerely asking them to move out of the way because they were literally on the road to his house. They claimed he was sent by the devil to disrupt their session. “You chop winch?”, he was asked, an all too common question that reflects the latent psyche of the masses but as funny as the question may sound, one must never respond in the positive, otherwise, you may be forced to relieve the 1692 Massachusetts trials of the Salem Witches - the women were hanged.

I personally recently came across a rather funny article. You know those dreams that you have of being chased by something or someone, the ‘evil dreams’? Well in this piece the author stated that as soon as he got his visa to study in the US, California I believe, his dreams of being chased by monkeys were left behind at the embassy. It was as though his nightmares did not board the Arik Air flight with him. I have seen quite a number of strange things in my so far, short life on this planet - I'm from Mars in case you didn't know. I have seen grown men in Nigeria calling the police on their wives and I have seen grown women being chased by baby birds. Owing to the fact that I do not know it all, I have no right to decide that any person’s belief is unjustified. 

However, hearing things like “My neighbour chop winch, na she dey hold my progress - My neighbour is a witch, she is preventing me from progressing” is rather unsettling because instead of focusing on positive steps to make progress, people are choosing to fortify themselves with mystical objects sometimes even imported from outside our borders. It would surprise you to know that the native doctor near you probably has more followers than you do on twitter.

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Finally, I fear that until we can get a spiritual court and can show spiritual evidence, we are in a lot of trouble. Nevertheless, whatever your disposition; spiritually left or right, you are always welcome on the Local Hogwarts Express.






Next

THE GOOD ROAD EFFECT

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Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? A little insect flaps its wings somewhere in Kenya and a mango tree falls somewhere else in India, absurd right? The phenomenon is actually talking about how a seemingly random sequence of events can link cause and effect. For instance, the flapping wings of a butterfly may attract a child and this young child may reach for it, said child may then accidentally knock his mother's flowerpot off their apartment’s window sill while reaching and the falling pot may intercept a stray bullet whose trajectory may be amended - the apartment is on the second floor. The amended bullet may hit a man but miss his vital organs by an 'amendment' and this said man may survive the hit and decide to move to India for safety (don’t judge his choice of a safe haven). He may get to Mumbai, India where he may see a mango tree and decide to build a house where it stands, the tree may then be cut and finally, it may fall. Ladies and gentlemen, as improbable as it sounds, the butterfly effect! 

Do you live in Lagos or pretty much any city in Nigeria, Africa or the world, with less than pliable roads? Does it take you more than double the time it should to get to work, take your children to school or even get back home after a stressful day? If yes, then you must be suffering from the effects of bad roads - or a poor transport system. If you are a Las Gidi resident like myself, then the misbehaviour of danfo-drivers is definitely a source of serious headache but for today, let us turn a blind eye to all but the road.

What do roads have to do with butterflies, Kenya or mango trees, you may ask, and my answer would be simple; everything! You see, I have lived in a popular estate that was built by the Federal Government in 1977 for a very long time, the estate whose symbol is the Benin mask that was *coughs* borrowed by the British and is still in their possession till today - lol, no comment. So, for so many years the road linking FESTAC (the estate) to the more popular Oshodi-Apapa express way that leads to Nigeria’s busiest port was not motor worthy. To put its worth in figures, I can estimate that the number of cars that passed this particular road in the more than ten years it was dilapidated was not up to a thousand a year. That thousand a year would make more sense when I tell you that since the revival of the very same link road not less than ten thousand vehicles ply that route every day (my estimation).

The impact of streets and highways worthy of the name can never be overstated. If you have ever been in an economics class or done anything about business then I am almost certain that you will remember perfect transport networks as one of the principal factors unreservedly essentially for a venture to survive, even if not 'perfect', then something that is at least worthy of the name - the effect of a single good stretch of road is, in my opinion, butterfly-like.

My simple answer ‘everything’ to what roads have to do with butterflies and mango trees means that these beautiful fluttery insects possess powers ranging from birth; pollination, through to death; the felling of trees. In the same way, the butterfly-like impact that roads have on people and their lives ranges from life; time through to death; money & stress. The connection between cause (road or insect) and effect (time, money, stress, life or death) may be vast and intricate but the existence is, in my opinion, unquestionable. Observe...

(Image Source)

Let’s go back to Lagos for a bit. As at 2014, the reported Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of the state was $91 billion, this was at that time eighteen percent of the Nigeria’s total GDP. In the same 2014, the reported income per capita for Lagos for the year was $4,333; given a state population of about 21 million - buckle up, we are about to do some mathematical gymnastics here.

Now, despite the fact that bad roads cause super traffic jams that keep people grounded for up to 6 hours (like go-slow on the Benin-Ore expressway of the early 2000s), we shall stick to our initial assumption of ‘double the time’ and also to other general assumptions like ‘Time is money’, everything else being equal; ceteris paribus.

The bad road effect:

Now, taking into cognisance the 2014 unemployment rate (UR) in Nigeria, reported as 24 percent and its labour force (LF) percentage estimated as 27.5 percent (from 2010 data), the working Lagos population is approximately 4.4 million [21m people x 76% (1 - UR) x 27.5% (LF)] and assuming that it should take an hour on average for these working citizens to commute through their daily economic activities then by the assumption of ‘double the time’, we lose at least 1.6 billion hrs every year in Lagos (4.4m people x 1 hr x 365 day).

Stay with me now...

The next question then is what is a Lagosian’s time worth? The answer based on 2014 income per capita is $0.49 per hour ($4,333 ÷ 8760 hrs/yr). To wrap it up, residents of The City of Excellence lose at least $180 annually ($0.49 x 1 hr x 365 days) just because of bad roads (chai, see money!) and Lagos itself, a whopping $794 million each year (*faints*). I am obliged to state here that this is a very simplistic estimation; I do not have a PhD in econometrics or any mathematical-gymnastics course like that so abeg no vex (I dey beg o!).

Ladies and gentlemen, fine boys and fine girls, what is the good road effect? What is so important about roads that great civilizations of old like the Dynastic Chinese, Pyramidal Egyptians and Empiric Romans knew to construct several kilometres worth for their chariots and horses? It is an open secret that a single good stretch of road like the partially revitalised Benin-Ore expressway, the partially revitalised Oshodi-Apapa expressway and the Lekki-Epe expressway can reduce the toils and tears of the men, women and children who ply it daily while stealing back those millions of leaking Naira.

This is the good road effect; 

'Saving money and bringing back happiness.'

What could be better?

If the Good Road Effect would bring money and happiness then imagine what the Good NEPA Effect would achieve. Happy May Day! There was no work today so I hope you slept at home and eat eba, fufu or tuwo.

Up NEPA and God bless Nigeria!

(Image Source: Pending)

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