THE REAL HEROES

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Today I feel like having some fun; not every time work, sometimes amusement park but If you feel my relaxation is in anyway going to give you a headache, go and buy small stout, mix it with Alomo and drink till you enter gutter. Tout Kit-chen!! Shout-out to the Tout Chefs: Kanmi aka Kekere Lion, Kapone, Chief Obi and Foxy P, you guys are too funny! #Alomo

[Back To My Chilling] Sometimes random things just seem to pop out of nowhere and catch your attention, especially when these things bounce; left, right, left, right and left again, very distracting. I’m talking about big big sometins that can be dribbled from left hand to right hand to left hand to right and then back again *tears of joy*. I used to be a full time player in my secondary school glory days but now, I barely know where the action is - chasing Naira is not easy *straight face*. However, despite my paper chasing setback, fear not, I am planning a comeback!

You will see me on the court, gripping every and any distraction with more confidence than ever, scoring more goals and breaking more hearts than La Liga’s greatest footballer; na Messi abi na Ronaldo? Sorry, I forget, what were we talking about again? - Lol, get your minds outta them gutters - Yes I remember now, I'm finally going back to playing the beautiful game, basketball...but seriously, why do these things catch a brother's attention? I say it must be one of nature's tricks to make sure we keep scoring. #EarthGoals Hit a population of 8 billion by 2020.  

Guys do just about the dumbest things to get babes; I have heard an earful and I trust most of you have too. Stalking on Facebook, twitter, snapchat and every other social platform is basic stuff - 9 out of 10 guys you ‘meet by accident’ probably already know your birthday, favourite colour, secondary school, best friend and even best selfie angle. I can see babes going, “Ah ahn!” and “Nawa o!” as they read this, so let me use this opportunity to tell the guys that don’t know, a lil sometin. Remember the babes you think you cornered because you were a sharp guyz? Newsflash, you gorrit twisted! At least 9 out of 10 times, babes set things up that way to make you feel good, when in reality you were just following bread crumbs. Women like to feel chased, basically so they can brag to their friends about how all the guys can’t seem to leave them alone.

That brings us to the idea of the day; Nigerian males are the true heroes! Why? Have you ever tried going on a date in Lagos before? No? Then you don’t know the shift bruh! You live on the mainland and your girl lives on the island, the struggle is just tears. What even now pains on top everything is that after all the Indiana Jones boys will do to travel from Mainland to VGC, the girl will now be fronting, fronting! No, no…please tell me, is it fair?

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People around the world often wonder why we are so resilient and persistent. The answer is simple and has been staring everyone in the face for decades, it is our women. Naija babes can front for Africa! Most of them will rather die than be the first to call, text or even to simply say hi, they will be waiting for you to notice the ‘sign’ that they have been giving you. The heck! Do I look like a friggin psychic? How on earth am I supposed to notice from a mile away that you are giving me sign. Nevertheless, Naija boys stay winning, they are up to the task; hunting Mayee left right and centre (if you don't know what Mayee Hunting means then ask me on twitter).

[Secret Revealed] On my journey to becoming a true hero, I discovered that babes get jealous very fast (Nigerian females are no exception) and that if you want to know if a babe is into you, flirt with another and the one that has been fronting, forming Tonto Dikeh for you, will start treating you like private property and doing all sorts of public display to 'claim her man'. My guy, when this happens, you should know that it is your turn to play hard to get, you are now in demand! (as a real Hero).

I have this peculiar luck. I don't know why, but it seems I keep getting rides from fine girls, I mean free car rides. A while ago, before I was *coughs* born-again, I was toasting one girl like this and then I found out she had a car. Your boy was on leggediz benz at the time (don’t laugh, my err…own car was at the mechanic’s) and allofasudden, babe started looking even hotter! I had to clean my glasses to make sure everything was alright and at that moment I said to myself in my inner mind, “Hmm, so this is how all these babes that like money feel.” I have never judged anyone since then, not like I judged before then but like they say, experience really does make you see the other side.

Finally, I figured that big Daddy Upstairs must be love me extra because my luck hit the jackpot! I ran into these two hot babes the other day, we were in the same bus, and I knew without a doubt that they were feeling the boy. Unfortunately however, there was no corporate opportunity to activate game....chai, I byn dey like, see miss! Then the next day, I was just there jejely sitting on my own in another bus, working on my phone when, guess who tapped me from behind?! Oboy see internal shjoy! (joy in *Warri*) but as the badt guy that you know that I am, your boy just compose scatta.

One of these days I'll definitely let myself get assaulted by all these fine gyals....hot dammit! Take me now!!! Last last, jokes aside and fashi all the rough play, I would like you all to always remember, better yet, never forget that:

“To knack is human but to carry belle is divine”

Cheers have an Alomo on me, I'm moving to Slovakia!

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BACK TO OUR ROOTS AND OTHER TUBERS

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Cassava, potatoes, yam, cocoyam and all the other stuff we like to eat that grow under the ground are either roots or tubers. As the professional large scale farmer that you know that I am, I am willing to teach you one or two sometins about farming that you don’t know [Keep kwayet, you dunno anytin about farm, lol, so listen]. Yes I am a big time farmer *oversabi accent* because I learnt from the best; Professor Olusegun Obasanjo himself and now I am a chartered agrarian, certified by both ICAN and ACCA! (Google the acronyms) I am yet to, however, grow my signature pot-belly as we speak but I am working diligently on this and before half of the yellow sun rises by this time next year, I will have attained my full status - no worry yourself!

[Lesson Begins] Now, in agriculture and planting we have crops and crops produce produce…are you following…to keep things simple, we will summarise that the yield can either be above ground like agbalumo and liki-liki or below ground like groundnut and carrot. The objective of this lesson is to remind us of our roots (and tubers) because it seems like we are beginning to forget about them. We are choosing to make superficial choices and claim borrowed loyalties but the anchor that holds us steadfast to the ground, we are forgetting. The danger here lies in the fact that we as yam may start to think we are pepper and although it may be enchanting to mix pepper into stew and eat this with yam, if the yam starts to forget to taste like itself, them it might as well be used for firewood [Sad but…]

A strong sign that a tuber has begun to forget how to taste is that it travels a lot, only to ‘other’ destinations [Note: some well-travelled yams are savagely delicious]. Taking a step backwards however, one would ordinarily expect travelling yams to be a good thing as when a tuber vacations regularly, it should be able to come back to the farm and teach all the others to taste better; for surely, it must have gained experience from the different soils at its numerous destinations. Our extraordinary case, however, is that many of today’s yams do not know where they come from and so are losing what makes them who they are. I partially blame father-yam and mother-yam for not showing baby-yam home.

Nevertheless, let's take a quick quiz… you've been to Lagos [check], you've been to the White House [check], you've been to Osama Bin Laden’s cave [check], you've been to Abuja [check], you've been to the Eiffle Tower [check] and you've been to ISIS headquarters [check] but have you been to your hometown? [check?] You see, after Nigeria decided, we were all laughing at President Johnny, my main guy, because he was going back to Otuoke but at least the man knows where his village is, where is your own Otuoke? By the way, what was you score? [Pass mark is 1/7 but Question 7 is compulsory!]

When I say back to our roots, please, by no means infer that babes should start tying wrapper upandan - biko bum-shorts are not bad eh - neither do I mean that bobos should start walking around with chewing-stick - ejo use toothbrush. By roots I refer to the essence of our culture; the New Yam Festivals, the Argungun Festivals, the Eyo Festivals, the Osun Festivals, the Sango Festivals, the Carniriv Festivals and the Ofala Festivals. I refer to the ways that the people who lived in our land before us and gave birth to our forefathers found to survive. I refer to the fears of our ancestors, their ‘wisdom’ in its shortcomings and their accomplishments in all its glory. It is always funny to me how many of us are so eager to dress up and look silly for Halloween but to dance with yam or jump for fish inside Argungun, babu, mu je zuwa boye because we are forming fresh. What irony!

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Do not mistake cocoyam for cassava; I am not saying that yam mixed with pepper is not sweet, far from it, what I am asking in essence is what value would you bring to the mix if you copy completely and lose all originality? What makes the pepper beautiful is that it stands bright and red; confident, full and majestic. So why doesn’t the yam take pride in itself, why must it want to be pepper?

The moral of all these edible words flying around is that we need to look deep into ourselves and try to resurrect the good parts of what we have lost. Culture is simply a people’s total way of life; meaning the way that they have learnt to survive. Let us not forget how to truly hustle our jungle; let us take back to the farm to find our roots!

[On the other hand]

Back to our roots?! Why would anyone want to go back? Forward ever o! Lol. Yes it is good to know our past, heck I just spent half of a piece talking about that but knowing is different from trying to relive, backward never!

Most of the majestic empires that existed, and still exist, in this entity now called Nigeria were formed not more than 2000 years ago; the oldest African empire is 1100 years old. So I put it to you with a high degree of confidence that 2000 years ago, the Homo Sapiens that are our long lost forerunners had no agbo or native doctor to cure malaria, they probably had to physically run away from mosquitoes. Today however, anybody can simply stroll to a pharmacy, pick up some tablets and be cured [Keep moving forward…]

What am I getting at here? Culture is not, has never been and will never be static. Those who like to hold on too tightly to ‘the way it has been done since I was born’ need to understand that the existence of their birth till their death - I wish them a long and happy life - is relatively insignificant, mathematically speaking, when compared to time itself and if they disagree, they can refuse to take medicine for malaria and keep running from mosquitoes.

There is a need to understand that the ideologies that you are unwilling to let go off would probably be ludicrous to your dopple-ganger; someone that looks like you, sounds like you, thinks like you, and does everything like you but just born a few hundred years before or after you.

Culture is fluid like the waters in the streams and rivers and although it is important to hold on to many ideals because there is a reason each ideal became ideal - don’t be too much in a hurry to throw away your father’s ways especially if you do not understand ‘the why’ of the idea - it is also important to have an open mind so that when there is truly irrefutable evidence that you need to Change Your Thinking, you will embrace the upgrade with grace and humility. Please do not be like those mumu people that they were telling that the earth was round and that were still arguing that the earth was flat, just imagine.

Finally, to end this class and set you on your way I will leave you with two wise sayings that I just came up with:

“If the Iroko with its strength and depth thinks the sunflower is more beautiful than itself and choses to become more like the pretty but loosely planted flower then I fear it will never stand as tall”

and

“Never use a newly planted farm as a landmark; it is unwise as surely the crops will grow and holding on to an image that once was but no longer is will surely lose you your way”

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[PS: If you’re wondering why I used yam and pepper, it’s because it is Vanessa’s favourite chow, she’s a fine gyal so check her blog out MsSunShine]

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