IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE, IT’S, IT’S…AKPOS!

[Theme Music: ahhh, Ijo Shoki leleyi, Shoki!]

Super Akpororo (by Joshua Zirigbe)

It’s superhero time folks and yes you guessed right, it’s Akpororo! Who were you expecting? Superman?? Pleaasse, Akpororo is far greater. He is larger than life, faster than a speeding danfo, can eat Yoruba stew without drinking water (ma gawd! *tears* the pepper!!!), and yes you guessed right, Akpos can witness power outage without shouting “Up Nepa!” Akpororo is a true hero, rocking his green, white and green spandex with pride #IPledgeToNigeriaMyCountry.

There is a need for a personality for the children, and in fact everybody, to believe in. A dependable character worthy both in character and in learning; a hero who can defeat the evil forces of Boko Haram in a single episode – okay maybe two, one of those “…to be continued” episodes. We need a superhero that can fry plantain without betraying our trust by sampling from the frying pan while we are watching cartoon in the parlor; We need SuperAkpos! #ToBeFaithfulLoyalAndHonest. 

There is a need for this personality to fight battles that this younger generation, and even the old, can relate to; battles that they, despite their youth, can tell that when won, will set their country, yes THEIR country, on the path of a brighter tomorrow. We need this knight in shining agbada to speak fluent pidgin English with quality phòné and without unnecessary gbagaun; he will mediate for us when illegal aliens come from out of space to try and take over the world – No be for only yankee dem fit land jare #ToServeNigeriaWithAllHisStrength.

He will leap over Aso Rock in a single bound, fight corruption to a standstill like Lagos go-slow and his secret lair will be in Sambisa forest as we are all well aware that that place is impenetrable. Super Akpororo will take care of the league of shadows while soaking garri with groundnut and solving quantitative; he will teach all the divisive politicians a lesson and expose all the dollars and pounds that they are hiding under their caps #ToDefendHerUnity. 

Now, there is a status quo; people are hustling and suffering while a few are living off the sweat of the ‘suffering jaki’. There is a need for an end to be put to this dehumanizing condition under which millions of people are barely existing and we need Akpos The Guy to come show us that it is indeed achievable; that people that have long suffered and who have since lost all sense of hope can still be allowed to see the light of life #AndUpholdHerHonourAndGlory.

Are you frustrated with the current state of things around you, do you get a headache every time you step out of the sanity and sanctity of your own home? – If you are lucky enough to live in one. Do you want to bring about a revolution; do you want to save the suffering souls of the marauding masses? Even if you do, the unfortunate thing is that sometimes, these souls have become so loving of their plight that they don’t want to let go, they do not want to be saved. It is at this point that we need Bros Akpos even more; Akpororo knows that there are forces greater than even he and he always remembers, for he is not proud, to ask for the strength to serve and protect for even our great hero knows he is not invincible – but at least no be yeye stone abi kryptonite go disturb Akpos, na pounded yam go fall ‘im hand, e no go fit resist am with egusi soup #SoHelpHimGod.

[Clap for yourself, you have now completed the pledge!]

But before we go, we need to ask one more favour from our Ororo… 

We need Prof Kpos to save us from the antiheroes among us. You often find them seething or foaming at the mouth behind closed doors but when they arrive in the town-square, they cannot even gather the courage to look their oppressors in the eyes, they stare rather, like maltreated dogs, at their feet, heads bowed in submission. It disgusts me! When you try to motivate them to aspire, to fight for what they deserve, you meet with lethargy and generally nonchalant retorts like: 

“Oboy, na Nigeria we dey o, no be America”, “Na me wan die?”,

“Wetin consign you, na your broda?”, “Na so things dey na.”

From the elite, the response is even more nauseating; they hole up behind the giant walls of their castles and behave as if anything happening beyond their front gates is of no concern to them. At them, in particular, I laugh, and ask that they remember Hitler started his ‘war’ by first making a certain class of people ‘disappear’ and nobody cared but eventually, he came for those that ‘did not care’ and there was nobody to care for them.

Akpos is coming soon to save a city near you; This is why my friend, course-mate-emeritus and talented artist, T.josh and I are working on a couple of Naija-Anime (behind the scenes of course, Josh don’t kill me o #Spoiler). I am certain that when the caption finally drops, Spiderman, Ironman and even Batman will be begging to feature. We wee not agree. 

Ekaette the Fufu Bender (by Joshua Zirigbe)

Super Akpos to the rescue!

NB: Ekaette The Fufu Bender is not Akpos The Guy's sidekick,  na only she fit pound the yam wey dey confuse Akpos, lol


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