TERRORISTS FOR DUMMIES

Akhmed The Dead Terrorist 

First thing's first, if you wish to learn, you must accept that you are a bit of a dummy - my apologies for calling you that, please go on. The thing is I too was also a dummy until recently when I decided to step into the light and leave the darkness of ignorance behind. “What prompted this change?” you may ask. My inquisitive nature is most likely responsible but more possibly, my disbelief in many words that I hear on the news and in the media in general; I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist. I have this believe that there is more to what the interesting looking lady (hot babe) who is more often than not the news anchoress is saying. In my head, she was put there to confuse us - men in particular. 

Now fortunately for you, my church mind has touched me and I have decided to bring you out of the darkness as well - you are welcome, ko si wahala. You shall now become my apprentice and I, your master - Jedi. After reading this piece, the next time you hear the word terrorist on Aljazera, BBC, CNN, NTA or Channels, you should be better informed and know what Amanpour or Chamberlain is talking about. Welcome to Terrorists for Dummies!

Now, I greet.... الله عظيم [Allah hu Akbar], your response is الله عظيم [Allah hu Akbar]. Before we go on, one very important thing you need to learn is that Arabic is a language just like English, French and Yoruba - abi no be so? and just because it is the language that many extremists and alleged extremists today choose to speak does not make it a 'terrorist language', so the next time you hear.... السلام عليكم [Assalamu alaikum] you should know it means peace be upon you and the greeting earlier, a common saying, means God is the greatest. If you are still in doubt of the non-terrorist nature of Arabic, this is how you write Jesus, Buddha, Tsongo and Amadioha in Arabic....يسوع، بوذا، تيالصورةسنزس، و لملدأناسحل. So you see, language like a knife is a tool and its use depends on you; cook or kill.

By the way, I'm sure you have been reading the Arabic stuff all wrong; you go from right to left and not vice versa like most Latin derived dialects. You have now been desensitised to 'Terrorist Arabic', we proceed.

The United Nations Security Council, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) and maybe the European Union (EU) are the big bad judges that decide who is a terrorist or not. Al-Qaeda (القاعدة), the Taliban (طالبان), ISIL (داعش) and Boko Haram have been found guilty of being terrorists. You on the other hand and the ‘big bad judges’ themselves have been found guilty, by these terrorists, of being كافر‎ [Kafir: Infidel]. Let’s get to know our accusers better. 

Al-Qaeda, "The Foundation" formed 1988 is a worldwide organization named after the premiere Afghan training camp for jihadi fighters, ‘The Base’ or in some translations, 'The Foundation'. Established by the godfather of all modern terrorists himself, Osama bin Laden and now controlled by one of his right-hand men Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al-Qaeda has run wars in 9 different countries including Iraq, Somalia and Syria. Bin Laden’s firm is probably most famous for the September 11, 2001 - 9/11 - attacks; crashing planes filled with passengers into the twin towers of the World Trade Center. Professional suicide bombing is an integral part of Al-Qaeda’s operations and I often wonder why the children of the elite terrorists are never suicide bombers. If I remember correctly, Mr. Bin Laden was found in a compound with his wives and children who were very much alive. This same organization is responsible for instigating sectarian violence among Muslims, its leaders regard liberal Muslims: Shias, Sufis and other sects, as heretics and have attacked their mosques and gatherings.

The Taliban, founded 1994 by spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, has been condemned internationally for its brutal treatment of women. What cowardly and weak men, maybe that Afghan man that cut off his wife's hair, ears and nose and broke her teeth in 2007 was a Tali-bad man. They were more popular during Bush the Son’s War on Terror days but I personally don’t hear much of them today - if you hear, abeg tell me.

Osama Bin Laden

ISIS, not the Egyptian goddess of wisdom but Islamic State of Iraq and ash-Sham, was founded in 1999. It joined Al-Qaeda in 2004 and declared an independent state in 2006. ISIS aka ISIL - Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant - however, ditched Al-Qaeda in 2014. This now-in-the-news group is led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, it has territory in 5 countries including, wait for it, Nigeria! Since Boko Haram pledged allegiance, we have become part of their ‘territory’, or at least parts of Borno, Yobe and Adamawa have. Amnesty International has reported ethnic cleansing on a "historic scale" by ISIL. They are known for their well-funded web and social media propaganda, which includes Internet videos of the beheadings of soldiers, civilians, journalists and aid workers as well as the deliberate destruction of cultural heritage sites. They are your tech terrorists. The destruction of cultural heritage specifically pains me greatly because a lot of this art was around before either of the world's two current major religions. ISIS has reportedly recruited Children as young as nine to its ranks. The children are used as human shields on front lines and to provide blood transfusions for Islamic State soldiers, the reports claim.

There are many accounts of sexual abuse and enslavement in ISIL controlled areas of women and girls, predominantly from the minority Christian and Yazidi communities. I thought they were supposed to be holy and not horny men. May Amadioha and Tsongo appropriately strike them!

Boko Haram (BH); these ones are still running around inside the bush in Sambisa Forest and using small girls as suicide bombers. Active since 2002 the Wahhabi group was founded by Mohammed Yusuf and is now led by the elusive and come back from the dead more than once Abubakar Shekau. Officially called جماعة أهل السنة للدعوة والجهاد‎ [The People of Sunnah for Preaching and Jihad], they really went international when they bombed the United Nations building in Abuja and also as the major antagonists of the #BringBackOurGirls campaign. BH has reportedly killed more than 13,000 civilians between 2009 and 2015 and they seem to like kidnapping women and girls, I wonder what they do with them. Their new source of funding I hear is kidnapping wealthy Nigerians or foreigners; they are estimated to receive N200 million ($1 million) ransom for each capture. Since I am a Nigerian and for the sake of my fellow Nigerians, I am obliged to tell you that Boko Haram has shifted its headquarters from Gwoza to Sambisa. No say you by mistake stroll enter Sambisa o, I don warn you.

What do all these so called terrorists and extremists have in common? Apart from being jobless, bloodthirsty chauvinists who like to kidnap and keep females - Amadioha fire them again abeg! They are all Salafist jihadists. The Salafist movement, also known as the Salafi movement, is a movement within Sunni Islam that references the doctrine known as Salafism. They believe that the killing of non-combatants is religiously sanctioned, and they ignore any aspect of religious scripture which might be interpreted as forbidding the murder of non-combatants and internecine fighting - Wikipedia told me this. So now, we know why they bomb in peace, they believe it's cool with The Big Man upstairs.

The closest I have ever been to what I may call a terrorist attack was an incident involving a vehicle, a driver and an interesting looking lady - fine girls seem to be more trouble than they are worth, no? The driver decided to make arguing with this particular lady up in the front seat his priority and at some point, both his hands were clearly of the steering and we were moving at about 90kmph. The bus seemed to be heading for what looked like two tall buildings - In my mind Al-Qaeda, Twin Towers, I don die! - and then I sang, in a screaming voice, “Jesus take the wheeeel!”

The singing/screaming was in my head of course,  I couldn't have the people in the bus thinking that I was perturbed by a mere potential mass murder, by negligence. No, never, such things do not bother me. To summarise what happened on that road, I am still alive - na God o!

Finally, in spite of the levity with which I may have approached some aspects of this 'Terrorist' issue, my aim was to make more people aware that this extremism of a thing is not happening in some far away land like many may currently feel. The danger is already knocking at our doors and we can either chose to keep pretending that we do not see what is going on until the sound of the 'knock' is replaced with the 'boom' of a grenade bursting through our walls - believe me, there will be no Bruno Mars to catch anything for you - or we can face reality head on and not only solve the problem as we see it but also, and more importantly, solve the central cause of all this nonsense.

I say get the people some good jobs; get them cattle to herd or some desks to sit at and work. This tide needs to be stemmed before its waves consume us.

Boko Haram

You have now graduated into enlightenment and are no longer a 'dummy'. The force and Alsalam walaikum - you should know what this means now.

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THE DICTATORS

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What do you think it takes to become a dictator? What do you think it takes to be feared by many, to hold the power of life and death of a nation in your hands? What do you think it means to be the C.I.C. - Commander In Chief - of a totalitarian government? I believe your image of an ideal man or woman is already in view, but still, let me help you paint a better picture, better than what you may currently have in mind. I want to take you deeper, beyond knowing just the names of ‘famous’ men and women. I want to teach you the true nature of the colours at the base of the dictator’s portrait. This piece is my version of ‘The Interview’ but the difference here is, this was not produced by Sony and not even North Korea can hack my article.

Let’s start the painting here, with the mind and actions of a dictator.

A true autocrat first and foremost gets rid of the notion of freedom of any kind - speech, political association, fresh air - what nonsense, who are ants to believe that they deserve to roam free; he farts and expects you to inhale with joy. The dictator’s word is law, quite naturally, he is a god walking among men. The people are therefore his cattle and he will be merciful and lead them. A good C.I.C. must never have a named successor waiting around; do you want them (the cows) to think that anyone is capable of taking over from him or have you forgotten that he is a god and will never die? Monsieur le Dictateur must resist all opposition with brute force, imprison people Gulag style - Old Russian prisons - and then hang or execute a few as an example to keep the dogs at bay. Any dictator who is worth his salt must also start a few wars or at least take part in some, butcher a few thousand people and if necessary commit genocide here and there. Last but not the least, a totalitarian must rule with the iron fists of hopeless oppression.

Now, can you think of a few good examples that fit this sterling profile? Hitler is most likely one of the only names that hits your consciousness either that or Obama (just kidding). This jamb question may be a bit difficult for some so let us limit things a bit, let us focus on Africa. Do you know Admiral General Aladeen, President  and Prime Minister of Wadiya in the Horn of Africa? No? Then you need to watch the 2012 movie starring Sacha Baron Cohen, also the star of the mockumentary Borat: The Dictator! Admiral General Aladeen and his fictional country are a summary of this article.

Back to non-fiction; Africa has seen more than its fair share of hostile rulers and long term 'presidents' that have left a pile of bodies in their wake. Maybe someday, we will be able to look back and estimate the lives and potential we have lost as a continent to the vanity and delusions of grandeur of a few mad men (and women). If we choose to go through them all in detail, there may be no end in sight so we will just be taking a look at a few of Africa's 'baddest' boys. To save time, I shall hence forth add the Title D. (For Dictator) to all who qualify.

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D. Charles Taylor; preacher, warlord and president, is the diamond man of Liberia who freely gave out fist sized diamonds to models like Naomi Cambell. Chai, my sister for don become model o! Trafficking blood diamonds, using child soldiers and allegedly harbouring Al-Queda are part of his rap sheet. Mr. Taylor started civil war (1988 – 1996) against his former boss, Samuel Doe, won the conflict and then executed his old man. Charles reportedly ate the hearts of his enemies, ruling from 1997 to 2003 but thankfully, he has bagged a 50 year sentence at The Hague, our hearts are safe once again.

D. Ahmed Sekou Toure of Guinea a friend to Kwane Nkrumah, Malcom X, John F. Kennedy and an adversary to former French President Charles de Gaulle. Ahmed imprisoned people in camps and invested in mass graves, some of which were discovered in 2002. About 50,000 people are believed to have been killed under the regime of Touré. Xiansheng Sekou (Chinese for Mr. Sekou) died in 1984 after ruling for 26 years. The man is buried in a tomb, like an Egyptian Pharoah. Them for like bury me like this sha.

D. General Sani Abacha of Nigeria, my personal home-boy, the man who cool looking aviator shades (glasses) were once named after, the General whose widow is rumoured to have said that she can never be as poor as Mr Aliko Dangote - see betta poverty. In his 5 year stint, The General oversaw economic growth (surprising) on the one hand and human rights abuses (not surprising) on the other. Abacha's military career is distinguished by a string of successful coups; he is by some records the most successful coup plotter in the history of Nigeria.

Abacha supported the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS) and sent Nigerian troops to Liberia and Sierra Leone for the ECOMOG war. He and his family reportedly stole a total of £5 billion from the country's coffers, issorai! In 2004, Abacha was listed as the fourth most corrupt leader in history and it is reported that General Sani was in the company of two Indian prostitutes imported from Dubai when he died from a sudden heart attack, badoo!) However, Major Hamza Al-Mustapha, his Chief Security Officer (CSO) maintains that the man’s demise began from the Abuja International Airport immediately after one of the white security operatives who accompanied President Yasser Arafat of Palestine shook hands with him - General Abacha.

D. Laurent-Désiré Kabila of the Democratic Republic of Congo was assassinated in Kinshasa in 2001 by one of his kadogo - Swahili for child soldier-  personal body guards in operation Mbongo Zero (Buffalo Zero). He led ethnic Tutsis against Hutu forces in 1996 - The First Congo War - and with support from Uganda, Rwanda, and Burundi, he took out Mobutu Sese Seko. Strong man Kabila has also starred posthumously in many movies including, ‘Murder in Kinshasa’.

D. Mobutu Sese Seko also of the Democratic Republic of Congo was a man in a class of his own, ruling the DRC for 31 years, the span of a professional career, on the Popular Movement of the Revolution party. In the 1970s he built himself a mansion worth ₤100m and is estimated to have embezzled between $4 billion and $15 billion. Mobutu, the model African dictator was known to have flown the Concorde just to shop in Paris. Wheriz my own Concorde dey na?

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D. Robert Mugabe the Zimbabwean, I call him the Tea Dictator because tea is one of his country’s main exports. Preceded by Mr. Canaan Banana, President Mugabe has served 28 long years and counting (tuale!). Ethnic cleansing, mass graves and racism against whites are on this man’s resumé. Uncle Roo will be one of the only men that will ever have chaired both the Organization of African Unity (now dissolved) and the African Union (still existing).

The one and only D. Idi Amin Dada of Uganda; I had to save the worst for last. There is no doubt as to who the baddest of them all is. Have you seen The Last King of Scotland, Raid on Entebee, Rise and Fall of Idi Amin, this is the man all these movies were based on, he is a star! His full title as announced on Radio Uganda was “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Alhaji Dr. Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, CBE” (I byn think say na only Nigerians like title). Every list of top dawgs has this man as number one. Idi Amin’s CV is all encompassing, from rights abuse to repression, persecution, extrajudicial activities, nepotism and, you guessed right, corruption are all in there. Amin has been described as having had a Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde personality; charming one moment, brutal the next. He conferred on himself a degree of law and is a reported cannibal, in fact, just go and watch the movies.

The biggest question on many rational minds has always been, “How is a dictator made?” for they are surely not born. What made Hitler declare war on the world and kill over 6 million Jews, what makes these people do what they do? At first glance, one would probably never give a second thought to most of these blokes. Taylor’s father was a teacher; Toure, from a line of aristocrats (his grandfather founded an empire); Abacha was just a military boy from day one; Kabila was a philosopher; Mobutu’s mother was a hotel maid, his father a cook and he himself went to a Catholic boarding school; Mugabe was the third of six children but his father abandoned the family; Amin’s father also abandoned him, his grandmother was a herbalist. The truth is nobody knows what made seemingly ordinary fellows find the despotic path, but if there is one thing that is common among these men, it is charisma. No one follows an uncharismatic warrior into battle no matter how great his strategy may be. Why do you think great generals are remembered not only for their victories but also for the speeches they gave at the dawn of their greatest battles? These men; autocrats, dictators or whatever you may choose to call them, did not chance upon the seat of power, they fought for it and with charisma, they seized their prize.

Finally, are you from a country that has never had its very own dictator?! Then sign up right here because your country doesn’t know what it is missing! 

This is the end of the painting and what you have now should look something like Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. If no, then I’m sorry, you are a bad artist and there’s no hope for you (please, biko, don Allah, ejo….na play I dey play abeg!).

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I hope you have been left with an impression of wonderful dictators, have a revolutionary day.


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