TERRORISTS FOR DUMMIES

Akhmed The Dead Terrorist 

First thing's first, if you wish to learn, you must accept that you are a bit of a dummy - my apologies for calling you that, please go on. The thing is I too was also a dummy until recently when I decided to step into the light and leave the darkness of ignorance behind. “What prompted this change?” you may ask. My inquisitive nature is most likely responsible but more possibly, my disbelief in many words that I hear on the news and in the media in general; I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist. I have this believe that there is more to what the interesting looking lady (hot babe) who is more often than not the news anchoress is saying. In my head, she was put there to confuse us - men in particular. 

Now fortunately for you, my church mind has touched me and I have decided to bring you out of the darkness as well - you are welcome, ko si wahala. You shall now become my apprentice and I, your master - Jedi. After reading this piece, the next time you hear the word terrorist on Aljazera, BBC, CNN, NTA or Channels, you should be better informed and know what Amanpour or Chamberlain is talking about. Welcome to Terrorists for Dummies!

Now, I greet.... الله عظيم [Allah hu Akbar], your response is الله عظيم [Allah hu Akbar]. Before we go on, one very important thing you need to learn is that Arabic is a language just like English, French and Yoruba - abi no be so? and just because it is the language that many extremists and alleged extremists today choose to speak does not make it a 'terrorist language', so the next time you hear.... السلام عليكم [Assalamu alaikum] you should know it means peace be upon you and the greeting earlier, a common saying, means God is the greatest. If you are still in doubt of the non-terrorist nature of Arabic, this is how you write Jesus, Buddha, Tsongo and Amadioha in Arabic....يسوع، بوذا، تيالصورةسنزس، و لملدأناسحل. So you see, language like a knife is a tool and its use depends on you; cook or kill.

By the way, I'm sure you have been reading the Arabic stuff all wrong; you go from right to left and not vice versa like most Latin derived dialects. You have now been desensitised to 'Terrorist Arabic', we proceed.

The United Nations Security Council, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) and maybe the European Union (EU) are the big bad judges that decide who is a terrorist or not. Al-Qaeda (القاعدة), the Taliban (طالبان), ISIL (داعش) and Boko Haram have been found guilty of being terrorists. You on the other hand and the ‘big bad judges’ themselves have been found guilty, by these terrorists, of being كافر‎ [Kafir: Infidel]. Let’s get to know our accusers better. 

Al-Qaeda, "The Foundation" formed 1988 is a worldwide organization named after the premiere Afghan training camp for jihadi fighters, ‘The Base’ or in some translations, 'The Foundation'. Established by the godfather of all modern terrorists himself, Osama bin Laden and now controlled by one of his right-hand men Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al-Qaeda has run wars in 9 different countries including Iraq, Somalia and Syria. Bin Laden’s firm is probably most famous for the September 11, 2001 - 9/11 - attacks; crashing planes filled with passengers into the twin towers of the World Trade Center. Professional suicide bombing is an integral part of Al-Qaeda’s operations and I often wonder why the children of the elite terrorists are never suicide bombers. If I remember correctly, Mr. Bin Laden was found in a compound with his wives and children who were very much alive. This same organization is responsible for instigating sectarian violence among Muslims, its leaders regard liberal Muslims: Shias, Sufis and other sects, as heretics and have attacked their mosques and gatherings.

The Taliban, founded 1994 by spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, has been condemned internationally for its brutal treatment of women. What cowardly and weak men, maybe that Afghan man that cut off his wife's hair, ears and nose and broke her teeth in 2007 was a Tali-bad man. They were more popular during Bush the Son’s War on Terror days but I personally don’t hear much of them today - if you hear, abeg tell me.

Osama Bin Laden

ISIS, not the Egyptian goddess of wisdom but Islamic State of Iraq and ash-Sham, was founded in 1999. It joined Al-Qaeda in 2004 and declared an independent state in 2006. ISIS aka ISIL - Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant - however, ditched Al-Qaeda in 2014. This now-in-the-news group is led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, it has territory in 5 countries including, wait for it, Nigeria! Since Boko Haram pledged allegiance, we have become part of their ‘territory’, or at least parts of Borno, Yobe and Adamawa have. Amnesty International has reported ethnic cleansing on a "historic scale" by ISIL. They are known for their well-funded web and social media propaganda, which includes Internet videos of the beheadings of soldiers, civilians, journalists and aid workers as well as the deliberate destruction of cultural heritage sites. They are your tech terrorists. The destruction of cultural heritage specifically pains me greatly because a lot of this art was around before either of the world's two current major religions. ISIS has reportedly recruited Children as young as nine to its ranks. The children are used as human shields on front lines and to provide blood transfusions for Islamic State soldiers, the reports claim.

There are many accounts of sexual abuse and enslavement in ISIL controlled areas of women and girls, predominantly from the minority Christian and Yazidi communities. I thought they were supposed to be holy and not horny men. May Amadioha and Tsongo appropriately strike them!

Boko Haram (BH); these ones are still running around inside the bush in Sambisa Forest and using small girls as suicide bombers. Active since 2002 the Wahhabi group was founded by Mohammed Yusuf and is now led by the elusive and come back from the dead more than once Abubakar Shekau. Officially called جماعة أهل السنة للدعوة والجهاد‎ [The People of Sunnah for Preaching and Jihad], they really went international when they bombed the United Nations building in Abuja and also as the major antagonists of the #BringBackOurGirls campaign. BH has reportedly killed more than 13,000 civilians between 2009 and 2015 and they seem to like kidnapping women and girls, I wonder what they do with them. Their new source of funding I hear is kidnapping wealthy Nigerians or foreigners; they are estimated to receive N200 million ($1 million) ransom for each capture. Since I am a Nigerian and for the sake of my fellow Nigerians, I am obliged to tell you that Boko Haram has shifted its headquarters from Gwoza to Sambisa. No say you by mistake stroll enter Sambisa o, I don warn you.

What do all these so called terrorists and extremists have in common? Apart from being jobless, bloodthirsty chauvinists who like to kidnap and keep females - Amadioha fire them again abeg! They are all Salafist jihadists. The Salafist movement, also known as the Salafi movement, is a movement within Sunni Islam that references the doctrine known as Salafism. They believe that the killing of non-combatants is religiously sanctioned, and they ignore any aspect of religious scripture which might be interpreted as forbidding the murder of non-combatants and internecine fighting - Wikipedia told me this. So now, we know why they bomb in peace, they believe it's cool with The Big Man upstairs.

The closest I have ever been to what I may call a terrorist attack was an incident involving a vehicle, a driver and an interesting looking lady - fine girls seem to be more trouble than they are worth, no? The driver decided to make arguing with this particular lady up in the front seat his priority and at some point, both his hands were clearly of the steering and we were moving at about 90kmph. The bus seemed to be heading for what looked like two tall buildings - In my mind Al-Qaeda, Twin Towers, I don die! - and then I sang, in a screaming voice, “Jesus take the wheeeel!”

The singing/screaming was in my head of course,  I couldn't have the people in the bus thinking that I was perturbed by a mere potential mass murder, by negligence. No, never, such things do not bother me. To summarise what happened on that road, I am still alive - na God o!

Finally, in spite of the levity with which I may have approached some aspects of this 'Terrorist' issue, my aim was to make more people aware that this extremism of a thing is not happening in some far away land like many may currently feel. The danger is already knocking at our doors and we can either chose to keep pretending that we do not see what is going on until the sound of the 'knock' is replaced with the 'boom' of a grenade bursting through our walls - believe me, there will be no Bruno Mars to catch anything for you - or we can face reality head on and not only solve the problem as we see it but also, and more importantly, solve the central cause of all this nonsense.

I say get the people some good jobs; get them cattle to herd or some desks to sit at and work. This tide needs to be stemmed before its waves consume us.

Boko Haram

You have now graduated into enlightenment and are no longer a 'dummy'. The force and Alsalam walaikum - you should know what this means now.

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