IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE, IT’S, IT’S…AKPOS!

[Theme Music: ahhh, Ijo Shoki leleyi, Shoki!]

Super Akpororo (by Joshua Zirigbe)

It’s superhero time folks and yes you guessed right, it’s Akpororo! Who were you expecting? Superman?? Pleaasse, Akpororo is far greater. He is larger than life, faster than a speeding danfo, can eat Yoruba stew without drinking water (ma gawd! *tears* the pepper!!!), and yes you guessed right, Akpos can witness power outage without shouting “Up Nepa!” Akpororo is a true hero, rocking his green, white and green spandex with pride #IPledgeToNigeriaMyCountry.

There is a need for a personality for the children, and in fact everybody, to believe in. A dependable character worthy both in character and in learning; a hero who can defeat the evil forces of Boko Haram in a single episode – okay maybe two, one of those “…to be continued” episodes. We need a superhero that can fry plantain without betraying our trust by sampling from the frying pan while we are watching cartoon in the parlor; We need SuperAkpos! #ToBeFaithfulLoyalAndHonest. 

There is a need for this personality to fight battles that this younger generation, and even the old, can relate to; battles that they, despite their youth, can tell that when won, will set their country, yes THEIR country, on the path of a brighter tomorrow. We need this knight in shining agbada to speak fluent pidgin English with quality phòné and without unnecessary gbagaun; he will mediate for us when illegal aliens come from out of space to try and take over the world – No be for only yankee dem fit land jare #ToServeNigeriaWithAllHisStrength.

He will leap over Aso Rock in a single bound, fight corruption to a standstill like Lagos go-slow and his secret lair will be in Sambisa forest as we are all well aware that that place is impenetrable. Super Akpororo will take care of the league of shadows while soaking garri with groundnut and solving quantitative; he will teach all the divisive politicians a lesson and expose all the dollars and pounds that they are hiding under their caps #ToDefendHerUnity. 

Now, there is a status quo; people are hustling and suffering while a few are living off the sweat of the ‘suffering jaki’. There is a need for an end to be put to this dehumanizing condition under which millions of people are barely existing and we need Akpos The Guy to come show us that it is indeed achievable; that people that have long suffered and who have since lost all sense of hope can still be allowed to see the light of life #AndUpholdHerHonourAndGlory.

Are you frustrated with the current state of things around you, do you get a headache every time you step out of the sanity and sanctity of your own home? – If you are lucky enough to live in one. Do you want to bring about a revolution; do you want to save the suffering souls of the marauding masses? Even if you do, the unfortunate thing is that sometimes, these souls have become so loving of their plight that they don’t want to let go, they do not want to be saved. It is at this point that we need Bros Akpos even more; Akpororo knows that there are forces greater than even he and he always remembers, for he is not proud, to ask for the strength to serve and protect for even our great hero knows he is not invincible – but at least no be yeye stone abi kryptonite go disturb Akpos, na pounded yam go fall ‘im hand, e no go fit resist am with egusi soup #SoHelpHimGod.

[Clap for yourself, you have now completed the pledge!]

But before we go, we need to ask one more favour from our Ororo… 

We need Prof Kpos to save us from the antiheroes among us. You often find them seething or foaming at the mouth behind closed doors but when they arrive in the town-square, they cannot even gather the courage to look their oppressors in the eyes, they stare rather, like maltreated dogs, at their feet, heads bowed in submission. It disgusts me! When you try to motivate them to aspire, to fight for what they deserve, you meet with lethargy and generally nonchalant retorts like: 

“Oboy, na Nigeria we dey o, no be America”, “Na me wan die?”,

“Wetin consign you, na your broda?”, “Na so things dey na.”

From the elite, the response is even more nauseating; they hole up behind the giant walls of their castles and behave as if anything happening beyond their front gates is of no concern to them. At them, in particular, I laugh, and ask that they remember Hitler started his ‘war’ by first making a certain class of people ‘disappear’ and nobody cared but eventually, he came for those that ‘did not care’ and there was nobody to care for them.

Akpos is coming soon to save a city near you; This is why my friend, course-mate-emeritus and talented artist, T.josh and I are working on a couple of Naija-Anime (behind the scenes of course, Josh don’t kill me o #Spoiler). I am certain that when the caption finally drops, Spiderman, Ironman and even Batman will be begging to feature. We wee not agree. 

Ekaette the Fufu Bender (by Joshua Zirigbe)

Super Akpos to the rescue!

NB: Ekaette The Fufu Bender is not Akpos The Guy's sidekick,  na only she fit pound the yam wey dey confuse Akpos, lol


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ELECTROCUTION

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Bonjour Messieurs et Dames

YES my poem has begun

Today I will be taking you,

Through a COURSE of electrocution

We will begin with air not Heir

For tis about sound, not spelling

Next will be an hour in the ‘ouse of ‘orror,

For all the Honorables fallen in battle

Ask your questions please, never AXE

For the cup of this decades bloodshed is full

Lest we shed more Tears from our eyes,

Not the type o’ Tears to be mend with a stitch

Don’t be bothered by the preyure, No

It’s still only English, no pro’lem

Better yet ask Fareed Zakaria,

Indian Accent, CNN, No need for GPS

26 Letters, 44 Sounds

Why wont my people say Shursh not Church

Who on earth would’a should’a could’a known,

That Fresident of the Federal ReFuvlic sounds with a ‘P’.

But Ten minutes I can guarantee

On BBC or be it SKY

Will cure SCHWA or any maledictions,

No more need for phóné-tic sounds

Fricatives are sure to cause Friction

Just as elocution is sure to be electric

But meaning the ability to transmit

Makes it all the real Electrocution

#H₃₃Revary

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Inspired by The Lagos Finishing School's ELOCUTION COURSE while in a Big4!

[THE UTTER DARKNESS]

I have seen this world chew and spit,

but I know I have seen nothing yet.

We are walking a fine line,

the path between the dusk and the dawn.

I stand on a precipice,

looking into the dark eyes of despair.

The hope that has been swallowed not is,

like a thread of mango from between the teeth.

The treacherous road thus travelled,

has kept me but a spectating witness.

We see the despotic deeds of many men so few,

their battles in sorcery and the grass that suffer.

But a question still, I must ask.

How can we know it is the utter darkness,

if we have no notion,

of the light?

Live then and survive because you know,

for 170 million threads of mango can a land fertile make,

and a land fertile made can the greatest of trees grow.

Do not be consumed by this world’s trump card, its Joker; the darkness within.

Stand Up and Protest….Revolt Like the French of Old!

#H33Revary

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AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL

I had to roll up my sleeves to get into this because let's face it, this one’s a bit dirty. My college friends on our whatsapp group chat, Employed Engineers, asked me when I would be writing a piece about p*#n, yes porn. They were joking I think but I can’t say, I don’t trust those boys; they lie, can steal your girlfriend and will even date your sister! You never know when they are serious. So after all the laughter about inappropriate pictures, snap chat and all the different hubs subsided, I thought earnestly to myself, “People really do like gossip and licentious paraphernalia…why not, I’ll write about A.S.S", I bet you didn’t see that. That was it, the decision was made and I was going over to the dark side. Like Miley Cyrus, I had decided to step out of my childish ways and do it big! (as my friends Bad Nnaj and Naka would say). Before I continue, however, I must warn that this piece is not for my usual unrestricted readership, parental guidance for all below the age of 21 is required. Thankfully, I myself just passed the 21 mark a while ago so it’s okay if I read about A.S.S. Let’s get down to business.

Have you ever seen silky smooth wet road after dark? I can personally guarantee you it’s a sublime view; it makes you want to shift to your top gear in less than sixty seconds. I know you like fast cars; Ferrari, Porsche, Lamborghini, the full garage but which would you rather have? Me, I would probably take a black Bugatti Veyron (Lamborghini); it has all the right curves and moves in all the right ways. Imagine all these cars were beautiful young women (or fine boys if you yourself are a fine girl), they would probably be Brazilian, Latino, Arabian or spicy African. How much do you think these women (sorry cars) even cost? Well you better have at least $40,000 in your pocket if you want one sleeping in your house and if you want my Bugatti in particular then a million dollars is more like it; she’s expensive you know. You need to work, to get a job to afford these ladies (or gentlemen) but don’t worry, once you are done with school and then Nysc, you will be good to go. You probably qualify for a nice white collar job and will be quickly fit into some office somewhere so you can earn a salary that looks and feels like an Emirates hostess (Ogbeni you better wake up!)

The reality on ground is that the After School Special is stark unemployment and as for fast cars, get ready to start jumping fast molue (large old luxurious buses), no jokes, you literally have to jump in on the move. You will find no curves or comfort there and I can personally assure you that the rides will be rough, smelly and unpleasant. The overall joblessness level in Nigeria is put at about 24 percent (Ethiopia 25%, Ghana 11% and US 5.4%). With a 60 percent youthful population, youth unemployment rate in particular is over 50 percent, about 64 million young Nigerians are unemployed (and you want to buy a million dollar car, I pirry you). So, except you are one of the few that is truly blessed or maybe your music is ‘Touched by Don Jazzy’ I am sorry to tell you that your ministry may not quite blow the way you were expecting, sorry and if you are not careful this Stark reality may make you lose your head (I love Game of Thrones).

I just added another year to my life (June baby) and now I can officially say that I am old. Life is good and simple when you are receiving pocket money and earning allawee (Nysc allowance) but the reality of things hits you when service is coming to an end and the hot breeze of the crowded job market is blowing in your face, I am not talking to "My Papa na President Buhari sista broda". It is not as though one is unaware of the truth of our harsh realities but as has been said over and over again, experience is the best teacher (I hate to be trite but it is true). You get to a certain point in life where financial handouts from parents and those very nice uncles and aunties do not just feel right anymore; you want to start cutting your own cheques. That is the point at which you know you ought to have a job, you probably just graduated and want to put all your years of education and all that school fees to good use but the reality of the times we live in is very harsh.

The facts being stated, I have to say something else to give you hope or at least tell you how we can build hope. Two words, Local Industry. We have a scarcity of Jobs in Nigeria but yet we are quick to import and buy the most trifle of things that I know could be easily produced here. Toothpicks, curry, radios, head-tie; if you are in doubt, go and check out any consignment at the Apapa Warf over the weekend. Nigerians have a funny mentality, we use cents and pence in the US and UK but would rather be found dead than be seen using the kobo (assuming the kobo can still buy you anything, even tom-tom). We have a 'big boy' mentality and it is killing us faster than Ebola ever could, we need to learn to support what is home grown, our own. Sure, at first our products may be as good as dirt but just as KIA has transformed from a 'carton on wheels' to a luxury car, our own products too could become the Ferraris, Porsches and Lamborghinis of the future (goodie-goodie could even compete with Sneakers and Mars, who knows) and when they do, thousands of jobs will be sure to follow.

Despite my harsh revelations, I still wish everybody the best. Do not be afraid to dream big, in fact, if you are not dreaming big I am banning you from reading my next piece (iz a joke abeg) but honestly, don’t just dream big, work like your life depended on it until you start living your dreams. In the meantime let us be grateful for what we have on our plates, for those that have jobs and have hustled to set meals before us all this while, sing:

"Some have foood but cannot eeat, some can eat but have no’o foood, we have foood and we can eeat, glory bee to you o God, Aamen!"

I apologize if you were deceived by the title of this piece, I decided I would do sort of an allegory and see if in fact, the number of viewers for this would be higher than the average. So if you chose to view this article just because of the title then you are part of my statistics. I still hope to see you next week although I can’t promise any fleshly material.

(P.S. Whatever ruminations you had while reading this article are your responsibility, don’t blame me for your voluptuous imaginations)

May the souls of those who passed away in the fire and floods in Accra Ghana earlier this week rest in peace.


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THE LOCAL HOGWARTS EXPRESS

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Image Source)

The Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry is the institution for the best and finest sorcerers in England, nay, the world; producing the likes of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, Karishika (ask Nollywood), maybe Ron Weasley but definitely Tom Marvolo Riddles better known as Lord Voldermot. The Hogwarts express is that lovely bright red train on King's Cross Station platform 9&3/4s that drove us for more than a decade through an impossible world of secret chambers, magic stones, dragons, prisons, phoenixes and deathly hallows. The world of Hogwarts was a splendid dream and we thank Joanne K. Rowling for that world, but no matter how pleasant a dream may be, we need to wake up sometime.

I heard a cock crow the other day for the first time in ages; probably because I was in my grandfather’s countryside home. It reminded me of how much more simple life is outside cities like Lagos and Los Angeles and at the same time, it reminded me of the fears that people have of things that go bump in the night - not the Bogeyman, next level bumping. I remembered the last time I heard the call of a nocturnal bird in Lagos and the reaction of anti-demonic incantations and ‘casting&binding’ it elicited from the people around me - don’t even let me get started on what happens when Nigerians (West Africans) see a cat. I was quite saddened that day because I am and will always be a lover of birds, a fan of the National Geographic channel and other wild life and nature shows, it was just a bird doing what it does.

The problem of ‘witchcraft and wizardry’ in Nigeria has become an issue that needs to be discussed. The fear of the dark-arts seems to be taking over the rational mind of the people; they do or refuse to do a lot in the name of creatures and spirits that ‘fly at night’, it is almost as if we are going back to the dark ages. Although I have never seen any person or unnatural creature flying above my roof at night, and hope never to see any, the belief that this phenomenon is real and strongly influences the day to day life of our society is firmly planted in the heads and hearts of so many across the country. It is akin to the belief of the Greeks of old in the Moirai, the Sisters of Faith seen in Hercules as the three witches sharing an eye. Unfortunately however, I am currently not speaking of folklore like the Leprechauns of the Irish but rather of truly evil creatures of misery and death that are running amok today, real life wizards or so they claim.

The belief that there are groups of people who meet in strange places in the dead of the night to plan nothing but the downfall of their families and neighbours is quite frankly enshrined. I cannot say for certain but I believe this has lent momentum to the proliferation of religious houses, deliverance sessions and overnight crusades that would be difficult to miss were you to take a stroll around the country. Fortunately for the Europeans and North Americans, I would say, they have long since burnt their evil practitioners at the stakes and if there are any witches left, their craft must have been put to better use; making mobile phones instead of magic mirrors and high speed jets instead of flying broomsticks.

 Wiccan (Image Source)

The reason I believe this situation of ethereal fears, legitimate or not, needs to be discussed is that it seems to have engendered an atmosphere where nobody is responsible for his or her own actions and inactions anymore. If anything goes wrong or is not just right, one simply has to blame any of the many ‘witches’ shooting ‘evil arrows’ from the villages. For instance, a plane crashes and there is no proper investigation into the cause of the crash, rather people postulate the individual in the flight who must have been the target of evil entities. People have switched reason for ‘my pastor said’ and I find this disturbing. We have to realise that clergy often speak figuratively because if this were not the case then some among us would be sheep and eat grass while others would be goats and well, still eat grass.

A friend recently told me of his experience of almost being mobbed by a group of religious crusaders for politely, as he claimed, and sincerely asking them to move out of the way because they were literally on the road to his house. They claimed he was sent by the devil to disrupt their session. “You chop winch?”, he was asked, an all too common question that reflects the latent psyche of the masses but as funny as the question may sound, one must never respond in the positive, otherwise, you may be forced to relieve the 1692 Massachusetts trials of the Salem Witches - the women were hanged.

I personally recently came across a rather funny article. You know those dreams that you have of being chased by something or someone, the ‘evil dreams’? Well in this piece the author stated that as soon as he got his visa to study in the US, California I believe, his dreams of being chased by monkeys were left behind at the embassy. It was as though his nightmares did not board the Arik Air flight with him. I have seen quite a number of strange things in my so far, short life on this planet - I'm from Mars in case you didn't know. I have seen grown men in Nigeria calling the police on their wives and I have seen grown women being chased by baby birds. Owing to the fact that I do not know it all, I have no right to decide that any person’s belief is unjustified. 

However, hearing things like “My neighbour chop winch, na she dey hold my progress - My neighbour is a witch, she is preventing me from progressing” is rather unsettling because instead of focusing on positive steps to make progress, people are choosing to fortify themselves with mystical objects sometimes even imported from outside our borders. It would surprise you to know that the native doctor near you probably has more followers than you do on twitter.

(Image Source)

Finally, I fear that until we can get a spiritual court and can show spiritual evidence, we are in a lot of trouble. Nevertheless, whatever your disposition; spiritually left or right, you are always welcome on the Local Hogwarts Express.






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LAS GIDI – THE CITY OF HUSTLE

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'Welcome to Lagos' was the first sign you would see when entering Las Gidi some many years ago, just like you can still see ‘Welcome to …’ at the entrance to states like Osun, Akwa Ibom and Sokoto. Today, that welcome address has been changed, redesigned if you will and in my opinion, the new greeting is more in line with what Lagos has become, it says, 'Change Your Thinking'.

Las Gidi - the unofficial re-christening - has become the city of hustle, many men have left the shadows of their fathers’ lands in search of fame and fortune in the concrete jungle that is Nigeria's economic capital. A land where being the king-pin of the infamous 'Area Boys' could mean you become an instant millionaire, a land where being an importer/exporter and selling goods in the 'makeet' (market) is a superbly lucrative venture, a land where owning a convenience store the size of a phone booth can sustain your struggle and a land where there are many suit&tie opportunities, take your pick. Lagos is truly a land for all peoples to turn a profit, if and only if they dare.

The beauty of 'Lag', as it is also popularly abbreviated is that it is not restricted to only Nigerians, not by a long shot. In fact, foreign nationals like the Chinese, Lebanese and Indians have become so comfortable here that you would be foolish to mistake them for 'tourist grade' travellers. For instance, I have personally seen on several occasions my people from The People's Republic of China riding on okada a.k.a. commercial motorbikes, a friend of mine even saw a fervent China-man the other day, arguing viciously with a conductor for his change. If you want to speak of adaptability, I present to you the Nigerian-Lebanese (as I like to call them) who have become so fluent in speaking Pidgin English that they can sell you, a native Lagosian, don't test them. I also hear that the Indians have refused to carry last, they now prefer Eba and Egusi (E&E) to Biryani or Chutney - google Indian foods. I don’t even think there is a need to mention that our African brothers; the Femi Kwames (Ghanaians), Obinna Gnassingbes (Togolese) and Bello Yayis (Beninians) are all present, playing the struggle game beautifully.

Now, let me explain why the new warning to first timers - Johnny Just Come a.k.a. JJC - to Lagos to change their thinking is very important. You see, many in the multitude of nooks and crannies of various towns and villages in Nigeria and beyond hear of the riches and allure of Lagos and rush in, only to discover that most of the shine they have heard of is fool’s gold. People forget that Lagos has been unofficially rechristened Las Gidi for a reason, or perhaps the merchants who spin tales of the vast opportunities that lie forget to mention the other side of the story, these merchants seem to sell only the tip of the tail. The other side is that Las Gidi, Lagos, the city of gidi-gidi is hustle personified. So before you decide to pack your bags and come slumming it Gidi style, remember that this is not Nollywood; you may be an underdog in your village but in Lagos, you most certainly may not become a millionaire.

But hey, don’t let me rain on your parade.

(Image Source: Pending)

There are a number of legal ways into Lagos - of course the bush paths are innumerable - and all, as one would expect, see their fair share of traffic. There is the Lagos-Badagry expressway which leads to Nigeria’s boarder with the Republic of Benin, Seme Boarder; there is the Lagos-Ibadan expressway that leads to Ibadan and also sets you on the path to the East; the Lagos-Abeokuta expressway passing by Toll-Gate, Ota, takes you to the Senator Ibikunle Amosun transformed Ogun State capital, Abeokuta (ABK); the Lekki expressway takes you through Epe to Ijebu land, home of the infamous Ijebu garri - they need to patent that product - and then there is the Shagamu road that goes to well, Shagamu, where there is a permanent NYSC camp.

Whichever way you may decide to come through, a concrete jungle is nevertheless still a jungle and the jungle rules still apply; kill or be killed! Figuratively of course. So, always remember that there are vultures waiting for their next meal, don’t become somebody's dinner.

Now, enough with the dark sides and grim tales, let’s get to the beautiful sides of Lagos, the reward that awaits you if you beat the odds and make it to the top.

Within the same city where we have places like Ajegunle and Mushin, we have Ikoyi and Victoria Island; the disparity between ‘I don hammer’ and ‘I dey come’ is deeper than Nigerian men’s love for Premiere League, Champion’s League and international football put together. The real gold in Lagos is beautiful, if and only if you can grab it. When you have been through the pits of the city and you survive, the prize is glorious. A massive house in Banana Island, at least four cars: Benz C-Class, one Hummer, two Prado; next, a beautiful #TeamLightSkin wife or #TDH hubby (your preference of course) and then a 9-digit bank account - you live like royalty!

When you have made it in the city of hustle, problems like NEPA; no light, house; no food and side chick; no allowance become a thing of the past. You have become a made-man - or woman - and you can more often than not do as you please. In fact, you will even be given police escort so that the people ‘wey still dey come’ no go block your road. At this point it is necessary to inform you that some people are fortunate, they do not need to jump into the ring to sweat and break bones, they simply have to be average and their fathers' names will do the rest. Don’t get jealous, if you have any problems with it, go and complain to your father.

It was once reported that living in Lagos was - and still may be - more expensive than living in Los Angeles in the US, but this should not deter you. If you were born with that ‘I go make am’ spirit like me and you believe deep down that you can survive, then I welcome you to Lagos, the Lagos after you have survived the hustle.

See you at the top!

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THE 16 YEAR PLAN

"An illiterate society is a useless one in words and in deed. The collapse of education in Nigeria has contributed in no small measure to the general malaise afflicting and ravaging our land today."
– Dele Momodu

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Education, the pillar on which every serious and purposeful nation or sovereignty that has ever existed has been built, is something Nigeria does not seem to be getting right. Despite the claims by parties - political and not - that they can move our country forward, the truth remains that without a sound educational system or even a semblance of one, we are going nowhere! 

The current system in the country has failed, in my opinion, producing a lot of graduates that, to put it mildly, do not know their lefts from their rights. Even taking a step before graduation, the quality of students leaving secondary schools today is nothing to write to your grandmother about; the terribly abysmal WAEC results in recent times clearly spells this out. Still taking another step backwards, barely anyone remembers the once popular final primary school examinations that once made headlines (on the Backyard News Network), making young children carry books like ‘Ugo C. Ugo’ that were often bigger than they were. I wonder what the trend for the Common Entrance examination is these days.

The Nigerian educational system is in dire need of resuscitation, recent attempts to fix problems in the sector have not yielded much tangible fruit; as I write this, the failure rates still remain largely unchanged. The Tertiary Education Trust Fund (TETFUND) and State Universal Basic Education Board (SUBEB) Fund are examples of ‘gallant’ efforts to revive our schools but the method of application of these funds is a topic for another day. I believe the lack of success of these efforts, notwithstanding the issues in implementation, is due primarily to their being channeled in the wrong direction. We have a fundamental problem yet solutions are being targeted at the symptoms and not the disease. One thing is that we Nigerians tend to focus solely on the ‘end’, we complain about final products but do little to scrutinize the full process holistically.

The situation with our educational system is no different, we are quick to condemn lecturers and universities, as we rightfully should, for their incompetence and flaws (where they exist), but we fail to criticize the rotting and dilapidated primary schools that are more often than not, in our very own backyards. You should have heard of students sitting under trees for classes in some so called schools by now, if you had not, you have now. So who are we kidding? We expect Ahmadu Bello University (ABU), University of Ibadan (UI) and University of Benin (UNIBEN) to produce top notch graduates but we feed them second tier undergraduates, we expect Barewa College, King’s & Queen’s Colleges and Federal Government College Warri students to achieve distinctions in WAEC, NECO and JAMB but we feed them teenagers with the intellects of toddlers. No, it is not possible; miracles do not work that way.

(Image Source: Pending)

Our current status quo is an expression of another of our fundamental problems today. We have to change our thinking. We have to start looking at the path we follow and not just that the fact that we arrive; we have to step out of our own shadows. We have to sit down, think deeply, ask the right questions and design an appropriate solution to our moribund educational system; we need to plan!

Looking around the world at countries that have made it or that are currently making it, one can see that there is a positive correlation between their success and mass quality education. The United States (US) has most of the top universities in the world - 37% of its young population are tertiary graduates, Japan’s University of Tokyo is ranked one of the world’s top ten by several organizations - 40% of its young population are tertiary graduates and even our very own South Africa houses most of the top African universities - 12.1% of its above 20 population are tertiary graduates, despite its recent outburst of xenophobia. These three nations are just some of the well-known examples. Education, formal or not so formal, is one of the only things that can take a people ‘somewhere’. Our Nigerian institutions and students are seething with potential but it is a shame that the current structure leaves that potential as it simply is, potential, instead of harnessing such latent power to help the nation 'make it'. If you are in doubt of the immense potential, click diaspora to see what Nigerians outside Nigeria have achieved. Let’s get to the plan.

[The Background] There are six years of primary school, six years of secondary school and about four years in university. Adding all the school years together we get sixteen, sixteen years. This is the basis of my plan but I must confess at this point that it is not a fool-proof solution to the existing problem in the educational sector but rather more of a guiding path that can be improved upon before being followed. My plan is called the sixteen year plan because it will actually take at least sixteen years for its full effects to enter society. This is a long time, I know, but remember that the patient rat gets to eat food from the pot when the cat leaves the kitchen.

[The Plan] The sixteen year plan (16-yp) refers to a complete reformatting of our current educational output, or so to speak. It does not involve a change in curriculum or anything so drastic, although I believe the current syllabus is in need of some tweaking. The plan is to gradually change the quality of students in our institutions starting from year ‘N₀’, when the first set of students to be affected by 16-yp is admitted into their first primary class across the country. I should step back a bit here; part of the restructuring of the scheme is to gradually replace old and retiring teachers with a new wave of newly employed and properly trained teachers. I am not insinuating that our current teaching staff is not properly trained but this sketch of a plan aims to leave no room for errors, it is a holistic resurrection.

Now, the new set of teachers will begin teaching with the new set of pupils and as the pupils progress from grade to grade, new 16-yp quality of teachers will be continually added to schools as the older teachers retire and leave the service. There will be minimal educational contact between old staff and the ‘new pupils’ (Old teachers who still have significant years of service to render may also receive training on the 16-yp ideology). This plan is not a fire brigade approach; it takes into cognizance the system in place and attempts to make pertinent changes without causing unnecessary unrest in the system. For this plan to work, schools across the country have to be improved to international standards and the training the new teachers are to receive needs to be what is attainable in countries like South African, Japan and the US. More importantly, the minimum requirement and level of remuneration for educators needs to be raised, to attract bright minds to the service.

The first major sign of progress of the scheme should be seen from a generally improved common entrance result six years after commencement of the 16-yp programme but I know this will not be enough to convince the world. Yet another sign of improvement will be a better ‘Junior WAEC’ result than has been seen in recent times, still I am sure there will be doubters. The first major incontestable sign that education has evolved would be an unbelievable WAEC result, more ‘A’s than would have been seen in the last ten years combined. The first generation of a new Nigeria would be on the right track, twelve years after we would have set their course. After sixteen years, we should have a new set of engineers, lawyers, medical personnel, scientists, social scientists, technicians and even artists that will propel Nigeria into another world. It is worthy to note that every educational opportunity to be obtained during this new regime is to be by merit, no longer shall we lower the bar for any individuals.

Fixing education from the foundation upwards is the only way to build, as my learned lawyer friends would put it; “Nihil fit ex nihilo ” meaning,  “Nothing comes from nothing.” I castigate the system that produced me knowing full well that I am indicting myself, but the truth must be told. I believe that for Nigeria to show its seriousness to progress, its drive to join the League of Nations, my dear country must first find a way to teach her children. No more half-baked and partially polished minds, we need our gems to shine and our bread to remain in the oven until it browns.

(Image Source 1 & 2)

God bless The Federal Republic of Nigeria and beg our brothers in South Africa to stop killing us!


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JIMI VERSUS AMBO – THE BATTLE FOR LAGOS

“Gbagaun, gidon, gbagaun…(Town crier rings)” My people, the second round of elections is here and the battle is on (Town crier leaves)!  The race to see who will become the Governor of the states is about to begin but of the thirty six, only twenty nine will be holding gubernatorial elections this year. Previous election results that were overturned by the courts are the reason for this state of affairs but I do not believe that staggered elections hurt our democracy; on the contrary, I believe they help it. Now, of those set to rumble, the polls seem already decided in places like Delta and Katsina (judging from the massive one-sidedness seen in round one, the presidential). That notwithstanding, there are still those for whom the decision is far from made, their races are tight and too close to call, for instance Plateau and Lagos. Alas, the tides have changed since the outcome of the first round; allegiances have shifted, smiles have turned to frowns and frowns to smiles, even new words have been created: jega – to be calm and orubebe – to disturb/make noise, so we have to buckle up and hold on to our seats, this is a wild election, and guns are blazing.

These 2015 elections have so far seen the awakening of the average Nigerian; the nation just seems to have woken up from its Snow White like slumber. If you ask me, I think it was hunger that woke the people up, as I am sure you will agree, ‘hunger no dey allow man sleep’. So no matter the evil witches (political parties) or their poison apples (stomach infrastructure), hunger (no need for explanation) is sure to overcome all. The war of the kings has been fought and now, would be generals are lining up, throwing their hats in the ring, to see who will reign alongside the new king of NairaLand. I have already written my letter to President Buhari, maybe he will hire me as a Dark Knight in his new administration.

The general (governor) of Lagos as we should know is like the second president of Nigeria, he is one of the only citizens, except the first lady of course, that can battle the number one citizen and survive (ask Tinubu or Obasanjo). Lagos is a special state, not only for its economic might but also for its vast collection of Nigerians. I often like to believe that the 371 tribes and 521 languages in the country are well represented within the borders of Las Gidi (Lagos). The population of the state (about 21 million) rivals that of countries like Ghana (24 million) and surpasses others like Belarus and Togo (about 9 million each) and the 3,577 sq.km that is Lagos is probably one of the most densely African populated areas in the world. So, permit me to focus on one particular showdown; the scuttle in the South-West, the clash for the commercial capital, the battle for Lagos!

Lagos (Image Source)

The contestants in this Lagos 2015 race are Mr Jimi Agbaje of the PDP and Mr Akinwunmi Ambode of the APC, both with female deputies. The two sides have not relented in their campaigns, reeling out slogans and theme songs at every turn, a lot of these are quite catchy (I sing some of them in the shower). The battle for Eko has seen many accusations and counter accusations shot and dodged but neither contestant has been seen to be losing his cool, both feathers are completely unruffled, what poise! The only unfortunate phenomenon in this chronicle is the wedge being driven into cracks that are tribal divides. Indigenes are pitted against non-indigenes, Yoruba against Igbo; we will get to that later.

First, let’s get to know our candidates a bit better. Mr Jimi Agbaje aka uncle JK is a pharmacist by profession, a business man who has risen up the ranks of his industry, owning his own pharmaceutical and chemical company since 1982. He has been elected to sensitive positions in Nigeria’s professional pharmaceutical bodies, working with Lagos and has been a politician since 2005. Mr Akinwunmi Ambode aka uncle Ambo is an accountant, an administrator and a public finance management expert. He is a civil servant of many years and has been one of the key players in the affairs of Lagos state since the times of the new evil genius (IBB is the old evil genius), the godfather of APC himself, Asiwaju Bola Tinubu.

Back to the divides, the Oba of Lagos, Oba Rilwan Akiolu, recently generated some commotion in his domain with a rather unbefitting statement from a traditional ruler. The retired police officer was reported as saying that the Igbo people who are resident in the state would drown in the Lagos Lagoons if they refused to vote for the candidate of his choice. The statement expectedly drew criticism and ire, bringing even the youths (like myself) into the discussion on facebook, twitter and other social media platforms. Oba Rilwan Akiolu’s words were to say the least very inciting but I hear he has tendered some apologies for his rancorous words.

As we have seen from the presidential elections, the polls in Lagos are divided almost equally between the two leading political parties. Certain factions of the people want change in the state just as they have seen in the presidential scenario; others are of the opinion that this is potentially the first time Lagos will ally politically with the Federal Government. As with Nigeria Decides there are pros and cons to each side of the divide. On one hand, I believe a balance of powers is necessary. This balance of powers is what allowed an opposition party such as the APC to rise and defeat the incumbent government, a system of checks and balances is needed in any democratic institution and what better check than the second president of Nigeria going to the opposition. On the other hand, Lagos has honestly achieved a lot without explicit support from Abuja, one can only imagine what possibilities lie ahead of a Lagos receiving its due from the ‘oga on top’. A collusion of two great powers has a potentially limitless bound; I even shudder at the thought of what could be.

As JK mockingly calls for ‘Change’ in Lagos, Uncle Fash (Governor Babatunde Raji Fashola) writes his citizens a letter where he claims that APC has a better track record than its greatest opposition, the PDP. I must, however, cordially and unbiasedly remind him that the APC is a new party and is not necessarily the same as ACN or AC but I cannot argue with him on the issue on Fire service. Call them APC or ACN, the fire on 23 Road - Festac Lagos is a testament to the Lagos fire service. So, should we trust Uncle Fash?

The political season is coming to an end, after this second round, the politics and all its attendant fanfare will be gone with the wind. Will the third time runner, Jimi Agbaje win or will four be his lucky number like Buhari, meaning that he will concede this round to Asiwaju’s anointed, Akinwunmi Ambode. Whatever history will record will be determined by your votes, however, I am disappointed to say that of the about 5.8 million registered voters in Lagos, only 3.8 million collected their Permanent Voter’s Cards (PVC) and even a more abysmal number, 1.5 million actually turned up to vote for round one, out of a total population of about 21 million (7% turn out). Would you be happy if this was your child’s exam score? Please for round two, don’t disappoint me, come out and vote. I leave you with a quote from Uncle Fash:

“They have handed today to you and I, can we secure tomorrow for the next generation” – Babatunde Raji Fashola.

Don’t disregard the labour of our heroes past, may the man with the most votes win. Eku elections (Happy election)!

(Image Source)

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