RABID RABBIT – EAT MY FOOT!

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I initially considered calling this piece ‘Warrior Rabbit’ or ‘God of War Rabbit’ but finally I settled for what you can see at the top. I am still, however, a bit conflicted about what it should have been titled, so after having a go at the piece, you can decide for yourself what you would have preferred to call it. 

So rabbits; those cute and cuddly creatures that we all THINK are extremely adorable  - yea right. Have you ever seen one of those things turn into a ferocious monster? Have you ever seen one of those things go wild? Have you ever seen, a rabid rabbit!? No? I didn’t think so. Those fluffy bug eyed creatures can become beastly in the twinkle of an eye and those buck teeth that you think are only for nibbling on vegetables can become more dangerous than Zulu spears! - I kid you not. Then again, how would you know this dark side to creatures that are so small, so cute and so adorable that some of us even have them in our homes? They are somewhat like little children who we like to give carrots when they are good but what we tend to forget unfortunately, is that when they are bad, they need....the stick! 

A friend of mine said to me the other day, "Dude it's like you don't like lil kids mehn" and I laughed and said "Far from it mann". Let me tell you the background to this conversation before you think I am some kind of child hater. We, my friend and I, had just decided to go grab some shawarma from a regular joint (boys no fit dey soak garri everyday nw) and when we got there, some child-ling was, in my opinion, throwing the most annoying tantrum. I think the whole screaming, rolling and beating-back-at-parents episode put an expression on my face and my friend did not miss the look of irritation I was wearing. The rest of the conversation, you already know (Note, this child was too old for this kind of behaviour). 

These days, parents do not seem to really be in control of their kids. Yes I know children will be children but back then, once your mother gave you ‘the look’, you knew all hell would break loose if you as much as breathed noisily; if she heard 'pim'. Today, however, you literally see a child screaming at the top of his or her lungs like a baby goat and even the father will be there - all the while I'm like OMG, his daddy is there too??. Let me just break it down for you like this, my father never beat us or anything like that while we were growing up, my mother was delighted to always 'set us straight' but besides, there was never any need because my brother and I had the righteous fear of God. Kids today, not so much.

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Do you remember Dennis the Menace, that cartoon from way back in the day? The kid with the trademark scruffy, dark hair and evil smirk, the kid wearing a black and red stripped t-shirt; he was the World’s Wildest Boy! Denis was a badly behaved, visually rebellious and uncontrollable school tot who took pride in causing chaos and mayhem, aided by his trusty funny looking dog Gnasher. Denis the Menace is a perfect example of how naughty children turn out when they do not receive the stick; they become even more of a menace! Shun all the modern oyibo ways, kids actually need a little hard love. I am not talking about chasing a child round your compound or yaad (yard) with a broom or some other ungodly object or even plastering infant eyes with pepper - I hear people do these evil acts - I am speaking of a spank of reasonable force every now and again when words alone appear not to be enough. In fact, if you have really read any old English stories or followed a bit of history then you will know that oyibo headmasters back in the day were the kings of cane and koboko.

Sometimes I wonder what really is the cause of the increase in the number of tantrum throwing toddlers I seem to be coming across these days and sometimes I muse to myself that it might just be the names that we give our kids today that are making them go bananas. Names like Phelony, Nevaeh-Hope, Hashtag and in Nigeria in particular, Millionare, SuperStory, Unchangeable. Names like these can really affect a child’s psyche or make other children make fun of that child, leading to a whole nexus of future psychological issues. 

Whatever the cause or causes may be, we are facing a critical problem that needs to be checked. Human beings are social creatures and ought to live together to truly survive and progress as a race but if the basic sense of community and discipline is not learned by the Homo Sapien when it is still young and impressionable then when it is old and stubborn it will only contribute chaos to the world. 

Permit me here to digress further for a second while borrowing our friend the rabbit again. Apart from looking cute and eating carrots, there is something else Oryctolagus cuniculus like to do, they like to multiply *evil smile*. The world’s population is expected to increase to 7.13 billion by 2040 - a 40% increase - we are multiplying like bunnies and I think this could be a problem. This is my opinion because as things stand, the demand we are putting on planet earth is already very high and if you are in doubt then go and research on global warming; polar ice-caps are melting, climate is fluctuating and natural disasters are on the rise. Again massive youth unemployment is another problem we are facing and yet we are looking to add more rugrats?? Whoever is planning to be doing any unnecessary mathematics should please stop it now and apply some birth control please; guiding the world’s population may help to curb some global issues.

[Back to the Matter] Your pimp hand needs to be strong! You have to practice that left-back-hand on a tree at least twice a day, morning and night, until you can comfortably take down a tree with just one slap. Then, even a side glance from you would put the fear of God in children and keep them in order. Dennis the what? Gerrarahia! Nga machi gi nti! Igbo for I wee treat your ₤cUk up! Children, kids, kpikin dem need beating! This is why we of the 1980s/90s generation all love our Nigerian mothers and that is particularly why #YouKnowYourMumIsNigerian has been trending for the longest time on social media, those women beat the crap out of us but still, the love is strong! 

Now if you have been blessed with stubborn or troublesome progeny, do not fret nor be disappointed, just apply ‘the look’ and ‘the left hand of god’ and everything will be alright - never use the right hand, it does not instil the same fear of reckless abandon as does the left. Again, remembering that even Dennis the Menace saved his town from potential disaster once and also the fact that he was brilliant at mechanics, I believe there is always hope even for rabid rabbits but first they have to eat my foot! Nonsense!

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[P.S.1] I love little kids and I don’t eat them for breakfast

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THE THIRD TERM THRILLER – BURUNDI MANILA

Pacquiao - Mayweather (Image Source)

Like a rumble in the jungle or the thriller in Manila, this time it's going down in Burundi! I'm not talking about the legendary battle between Mohammed ‘The Greatest' Ali and ‘Smokin Joe’ Frazier that took place on the 1st of October, 1975 for the World Heavyweight Boxing Championship in the Philippines - by the way, that National ASSembly fight yesterday was shameful. I am not speaking of the third and final matchup of a bitter rivalry between two prolific boxers that is largely regarded as one of the greatest fights in the history of the sport - fortunately, nobody got knocked out in yesterday’s imbroglio unlike in the 2013 Rivers State House of Assembly incident. Their final fight was tagged ‘The Thriller in Manila’ because Ali promised the world a “Killa and a thrilla and a chilla, when I get that gorilla in Manilla”. Mohammed Ali won only by a Technical Knock-Out. Boxing was once a big time sport, bigger than even soccer, and only Floyd ‘Money Man’ Mayweather Jr. and Manny ‘The Pac-man’ Pacquiao have seen the game return to its glory in recent times but enough of that, let’s get down to business.

At some point during this past week, I decided to ask people, randomly of course, for their opinion on the current debacle in Burundi. The responses I received ranged from outright funny to downright offhanded and I have picked just two out of the lot that are, in my opinion, a representation of the entire pool. Listen to what they had to say:

“Why do people behave like that, why won’t the man just step down?” – Mrs Tanzania

And

“Nobody is bothered jare, Burundi is far away” – Mr Mali

These two replies are in a manner of speaking at opposing ends, one of utter care and the other of utter carelessness, and the others can be fit snugly somewhere in-between. Now, as cold as Mr Mali's response was, he has a point. How many of us really care about 'far away' Burundi, isn’t it just another wonderland? I strongly believe that an ‘Alice’ and some magic rabbits would be much more tangible to a good number of us than a little country of less than 10 million people somewhere in East or Central Africa - even Wikipedia hasn’t decided on an official location yet.

What do you and I really know about Burundi? Honestly, I only knew it was a country somewhere at the ‘other side’ of Africa before I googled it. However, after getting to know its history better, I have come to the conclusion that one of the greatest losers of the First World War was and still remains this landlocked African country. I do not believe I have seen the story of many other nations that are painted with as much blood - it is definitely not a wonderland. The Republic of Burundi is located in Africa’s Great Lakes Region and is bordered by Rwanda, Tanzania and the Democratic Republic of Congo - I like to call the DRC ‘Dr. Congo’.  Its capital is Bujumbura and its major tribes; Hutu - 85%, Tutsi - 14% and Twa - 1%, have been in that region for more than 500 years.

So, what is this ‘Third Term Thriller’ that has Burundi looking like the boundless boxing battlefield of 1975 Manila? Is it the fact that the country is presently running a presidential democratic republic or the fact that Burundi is one of the five poorest countries in the world? No, far from it. Is it the fact that Burundi is the world’s hungriest country - according to the global hunger index - or the fact that the country has suffered from the usual African plague of corruption, warfare and poor access to education? No, not at all. The reason for the spotlight on this African nation that shares boarders with Lake Tangayika is the April 2015 protests - and the failed May 13th Coup - that broke out after the ruling party, CNDD-FDD, announced that President Pierre Nkurunziza would be seeking a third term in office. President Pierre Nkurunziza is the son of a Tutsi mother and a Hutu father. He was raised in the Ngozi region of Northern Burundi and was formerly a Leader of a Hutu Rebel group. 

[Back Story]: Burundi was initially run by Germany in the early 20th century but after the Germans lost World War I, Belgium took over and ruled Burundi and Rwanda as Ruanda-Urundi. It is rumoured that the Belgian takeover exacerbated social differences between the Tutsi and Hutu and this may be part of the cause of the long tales of violence. The Belgians are alleged to have classified the people according to the number of cows that they owned - Tutsi; more than 10 cows and Hutu; less than 10 cows. The Hutu and Tutsi have been having what I call a long standing family feud, characterised by assassinations, counter assassinations, mass killings and reprisal mass killings. More than 250,000 people - 2.5% of its current population - have been laid to waste since the early 20th century according to reports and speculations. 

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[Back to Mr I want a Third Term] Why don’t Africans have the spirit of letting go, why can’t we just let go!? The people have said we don’t want you, you have ruled enough! Why won’t you just go away? Has the country become your father’s property or is it that the people are now cows and they belong to you? If for nothing else, for the sake of peace step aside and let other people contest for the seat - you are not the only person that is capable of doing the job. In fact, let me borrow the words of @KobokoGCFR, “In 2007, many of us had no idea who Fashola was…” and finish by quoting @CJ_Awele “…but today in 2015 we all praise Uncle Fash for his good works.” In my opinion, President Pierre Nkurunziza is trying to ascend to the ungodly status of Dictator but I humbly ask that he humbly descend from his imaginary throne because there are many unknown men and women in Burundi that can get the job done.

Nigerians have also had the experience of a president pushing for a third term, former President Olusegun Obasanjo attempted the push but we failed him in that exam. Burundians are now protesting but the country’s constitutional court has ‘agreed’ with President Pierre's claim to run although some of the members of that court had fled the country at the time of the vote - then who voted, sheep?. Now then, I turn to you. Why are we not lending our voices to the Burundians on the streets calling for decency? We have to learn something called solidarity in this country and on this continent. We are always quick to jump out to chant and shout for America but what of Africa eh, what of Burundi? *sheds tear* But seriously, we need to stand up for our own!

In this matchup of Man that refuses to leave office against The People, a lot of negative inter-tribal sentiment is being whipped up and so, as an African, I move for the motion that President Nkurunziza step aside before a repeat of the 1972 and 1993 Burundi genocides occur. I honestly cannot comprehend this ‘I will not go’ attitude of African politicians. To me, it is just like forcing cassette tape and kerosene lantern on the world, we don’t want - carry go! No man is greater than any other man, whether you were born a king or a prince your ambitions are not worth a single pauper’s life in my book. So Dear President Nkurunziza, please do the needful…let go!

Kind regards,

The House-33 Revolutionary.

President Pierre Nkurunziza (Image Source)

P.S. I know that you know that I was going to mention this any moment from now. I am talking about the very stupid rapid dog that recently bit 9 black people inside a church in Charleston, USA. What do we normally do with rabid dogs? We put them down! However, due to the fact that this stupid beast is not a regular canine and more importantly because I believe all life is precious no matter how stupid its owner, I suggest the dumb animal be locked up in a very small prison, far smaller than what Nelson Mandela was put in at the now infamous Robben Island Prison, preferably a few hundred feet underground (The dumb pile of horse crap!). Do not kill a man to show that killing is wrong and in the words of Mahatma Ghandi “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

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JIMI VERSUS AMBO – THE BATTLE FOR LAGOS

“Gbagaun, gidon, gbagaun…(Town crier rings)” My people, the second round of elections is here and the battle is on (Town crier leaves)!  The race to see who will become the Governor of the states is about to begin but of the thirty six, only twenty nine will be holding gubernatorial elections this year. Previous election results that were overturned by the courts are the reason for this state of affairs but I do not believe that staggered elections hurt our democracy; on the contrary, I believe they help it. Now, of those set to rumble, the polls seem already decided in places like Delta and Katsina (judging from the massive one-sidedness seen in round one, the presidential). That notwithstanding, there are still those for whom the decision is far from made, their races are tight and too close to call, for instance Plateau and Lagos. Alas, the tides have changed since the outcome of the first round; allegiances have shifted, smiles have turned to frowns and frowns to smiles, even new words have been created: jega – to be calm and orubebe – to disturb/make noise, so we have to buckle up and hold on to our seats, this is a wild election, and guns are blazing.

These 2015 elections have so far seen the awakening of the average Nigerian; the nation just seems to have woken up from its Snow White like slumber. If you ask me, I think it was hunger that woke the people up, as I am sure you will agree, ‘hunger no dey allow man sleep’. So no matter the evil witches (political parties) or their poison apples (stomach infrastructure), hunger (no need for explanation) is sure to overcome all. The war of the kings has been fought and now, would be generals are lining up, throwing their hats in the ring, to see who will reign alongside the new king of NairaLand. I have already written my letter to President Buhari, maybe he will hire me as a Dark Knight in his new administration.

The general (governor) of Lagos as we should know is like the second president of Nigeria, he is one of the only citizens, except the first lady of course, that can battle the number one citizen and survive (ask Tinubu or Obasanjo). Lagos is a special state, not only for its economic might but also for its vast collection of Nigerians. I often like to believe that the 371 tribes and 521 languages in the country are well represented within the borders of Las Gidi (Lagos). The population of the state (about 21 million) rivals that of countries like Ghana (24 million) and surpasses others like Belarus and Togo (about 9 million each) and the 3,577 sq.km that is Lagos is probably one of the most densely African populated areas in the world. So, permit me to focus on one particular showdown; the scuttle in the South-West, the clash for the commercial capital, the battle for Lagos!

Lagos (Image Source)

The contestants in this Lagos 2015 race are Mr Jimi Agbaje of the PDP and Mr Akinwunmi Ambode of the APC, both with female deputies. The two sides have not relented in their campaigns, reeling out slogans and theme songs at every turn, a lot of these are quite catchy (I sing some of them in the shower). The battle for Eko has seen many accusations and counter accusations shot and dodged but neither contestant has been seen to be losing his cool, both feathers are completely unruffled, what poise! The only unfortunate phenomenon in this chronicle is the wedge being driven into cracks that are tribal divides. Indigenes are pitted against non-indigenes, Yoruba against Igbo; we will get to that later.

First, let’s get to know our candidates a bit better. Mr Jimi Agbaje aka uncle JK is a pharmacist by profession, a business man who has risen up the ranks of his industry, owning his own pharmaceutical and chemical company since 1982. He has been elected to sensitive positions in Nigeria’s professional pharmaceutical bodies, working with Lagos and has been a politician since 2005. Mr Akinwunmi Ambode aka uncle Ambo is an accountant, an administrator and a public finance management expert. He is a civil servant of many years and has been one of the key players in the affairs of Lagos state since the times of the new evil genius (IBB is the old evil genius), the godfather of APC himself, Asiwaju Bola Tinubu.

Back to the divides, the Oba of Lagos, Oba Rilwan Akiolu, recently generated some commotion in his domain with a rather unbefitting statement from a traditional ruler. The retired police officer was reported as saying that the Igbo people who are resident in the state would drown in the Lagos Lagoons if they refused to vote for the candidate of his choice. The statement expectedly drew criticism and ire, bringing even the youths (like myself) into the discussion on facebook, twitter and other social media platforms. Oba Rilwan Akiolu’s words were to say the least very inciting but I hear he has tendered some apologies for his rancorous words.

As we have seen from the presidential elections, the polls in Lagos are divided almost equally between the two leading political parties. Certain factions of the people want change in the state just as they have seen in the presidential scenario; others are of the opinion that this is potentially the first time Lagos will ally politically with the Federal Government. As with Nigeria Decides there are pros and cons to each side of the divide. On one hand, I believe a balance of powers is necessary. This balance of powers is what allowed an opposition party such as the APC to rise and defeat the incumbent government, a system of checks and balances is needed in any democratic institution and what better check than the second president of Nigeria going to the opposition. On the other hand, Lagos has honestly achieved a lot without explicit support from Abuja, one can only imagine what possibilities lie ahead of a Lagos receiving its due from the ‘oga on top’. A collusion of two great powers has a potentially limitless bound; I even shudder at the thought of what could be.

As JK mockingly calls for ‘Change’ in Lagos, Uncle Fash (Governor Babatunde Raji Fashola) writes his citizens a letter where he claims that APC has a better track record than its greatest opposition, the PDP. I must, however, cordially and unbiasedly remind him that the APC is a new party and is not necessarily the same as ACN or AC but I cannot argue with him on the issue on Fire service. Call them APC or ACN, the fire on 23 Road - Festac Lagos is a testament to the Lagos fire service. So, should we trust Uncle Fash?

The political season is coming to an end, after this second round, the politics and all its attendant fanfare will be gone with the wind. Will the third time runner, Jimi Agbaje win or will four be his lucky number like Buhari, meaning that he will concede this round to Asiwaju’s anointed, Akinwunmi Ambode. Whatever history will record will be determined by your votes, however, I am disappointed to say that of the about 5.8 million registered voters in Lagos, only 3.8 million collected their Permanent Voter’s Cards (PVC) and even a more abysmal number, 1.5 million actually turned up to vote for round one, out of a total population of about 21 million (7% turn out). Would you be happy if this was your child’s exam score? Please for round two, don’t disappoint me, come out and vote. I leave you with a quote from Uncle Fash:

“They have handed today to you and I, can we secure tomorrow for the next generation” – Babatunde Raji Fashola.

Don’t disregard the labour of our heroes past, may the man with the most votes win. Eku elections (Happy election)!

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