THE REAL HEROES

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Today I feel like having some fun; not every time work, sometimes amusement park but If you feel my relaxation is in anyway going to give you a headache, go and buy small stout, mix it with Alomo and drink till you enter gutter. Tout Kit-chen!! Shout-out to the Tout Chefs: Kanmi aka Kekere Lion, Kapone, Chief Obi and Foxy P, you guys are too funny! #Alomo

[Back To My Chilling] Sometimes random things just seem to pop out of nowhere and catch your attention, especially when these things bounce; left, right, left, right and left again, very distracting. I’m talking about big big sometins that can be dribbled from left hand to right hand to left hand to right and then back again *tears of joy*. I used to be a full time player in my secondary school glory days but now, I barely know where the action is - chasing Naira is not easy *straight face*. However, despite my paper chasing setback, fear not, I am planning a comeback!

You will see me on the court, gripping every and any distraction with more confidence than ever, scoring more goals and breaking more hearts than La Liga’s greatest footballer; na Messi abi na Ronaldo? Sorry, I forget, what were we talking about again? - Lol, get your minds outta them gutters - Yes I remember now, I'm finally going back to playing the beautiful game, basketball...but seriously, why do these things catch a brother's attention? I say it must be one of nature's tricks to make sure we keep scoring. #EarthGoals Hit a population of 8 billion by 2020.  

Guys do just about the dumbest things to get babes; I have heard an earful and I trust most of you have too. Stalking on Facebook, twitter, snapchat and every other social platform is basic stuff - 9 out of 10 guys you ‘meet by accident’ probably already know your birthday, favourite colour, secondary school, best friend and even best selfie angle. I can see babes going, “Ah ahn!” and “Nawa o!” as they read this, so let me use this opportunity to tell the guys that don’t know, a lil sometin. Remember the babes you think you cornered because you were a sharp guyz? Newsflash, you gorrit twisted! At least 9 out of 10 times, babes set things up that way to make you feel good, when in reality you were just following bread crumbs. Women like to feel chased, basically so they can brag to their friends about how all the guys can’t seem to leave them alone.

That brings us to the idea of the day; Nigerian males are the true heroes! Why? Have you ever tried going on a date in Lagos before? No? Then you don’t know the shift bruh! You live on the mainland and your girl lives on the island, the struggle is just tears. What even now pains on top everything is that after all the Indiana Jones boys will do to travel from Mainland to VGC, the girl will now be fronting, fronting! No, no…please tell me, is it fair?

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People around the world often wonder why we are so resilient and persistent. The answer is simple and has been staring everyone in the face for decades, it is our women. Naija babes can front for Africa! Most of them will rather die than be the first to call, text or even to simply say hi, they will be waiting for you to notice the ‘sign’ that they have been giving you. The heck! Do I look like a friggin psychic? How on earth am I supposed to notice from a mile away that you are giving me sign. Nevertheless, Naija boys stay winning, they are up to the task; hunting Mayee left right and centre (if you don't know what Mayee Hunting means then ask me on twitter).

[Secret Revealed] On my journey to becoming a true hero, I discovered that babes get jealous very fast (Nigerian females are no exception) and that if you want to know if a babe is into you, flirt with another and the one that has been fronting, forming Tonto Dikeh for you, will start treating you like private property and doing all sorts of public display to 'claim her man'. My guy, when this happens, you should know that it is your turn to play hard to get, you are now in demand! (as a real Hero).

I have this peculiar luck. I don't know why, but it seems I keep getting rides from fine girls, I mean free car rides. A while ago, before I was *coughs* born-again, I was toasting one girl like this and then I found out she had a car. Your boy was on leggediz benz at the time (don’t laugh, my err…own car was at the mechanic’s) and allofasudden, babe started looking even hotter! I had to clean my glasses to make sure everything was alright and at that moment I said to myself in my inner mind, “Hmm, so this is how all these babes that like money feel.” I have never judged anyone since then, not like I judged before then but like they say, experience really does make you see the other side.

Finally, I figured that big Daddy Upstairs must be love me extra because my luck hit the jackpot! I ran into these two hot babes the other day, we were in the same bus, and I knew without a doubt that they were feeling the boy. Unfortunately however, there was no corporate opportunity to activate game....chai, I byn dey like, see miss! Then the next day, I was just there jejely sitting on my own in another bus, working on my phone when, guess who tapped me from behind?! Oboy see internal shjoy! (joy in *Warri*) but as the badt guy that you know that I am, your boy just compose scatta.

One of these days I'll definitely let myself get assaulted by all these fine gyals....hot dammit! Take me now!!! Last last, jokes aside and fashi all the rough play, I would like you all to always remember, better yet, never forget that:

“To knack is human but to carry belle is divine”

Cheers have an Alomo on me, I'm moving to Slovakia!

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