THE REAL HEROES

(Image Source: Pending)

Today I feel like having some fun; not every time work, sometimes amusement park but If you feel my relaxation is in anyway going to give you a headache, go and buy small stout, mix it with Alomo and drink till you enter gutter. Tout Kit-chen!! Shout-out to the Tout Chefs: Kanmi aka Kekere Lion, Kapone, Chief Obi and Foxy P, you guys are too funny! #Alomo

[Back To My Chilling] Sometimes random things just seem to pop out of nowhere and catch your attention, especially when these things bounce; left, right, left, right and left again, very distracting. I’m talking about big big sometins that can be dribbled from left hand to right hand to left hand to right and then back again *tears of joy*. I used to be a full time player in my secondary school glory days but now, I barely know where the action is - chasing Naira is not easy *straight face*. However, despite my paper chasing setback, fear not, I am planning a comeback!

You will see me on the court, gripping every and any distraction with more confidence than ever, scoring more goals and breaking more hearts than La Liga’s greatest footballer; na Messi abi na Ronaldo? Sorry, I forget, what were we talking about again? - Lol, get your minds outta them gutters - Yes I remember now, I'm finally going back to playing the beautiful game, basketball...but seriously, why do these things catch a brother's attention? I say it must be one of nature's tricks to make sure we keep scoring. #EarthGoals Hit a population of 8 billion by 2020.  

Guys do just about the dumbest things to get babes; I have heard an earful and I trust most of you have too. Stalking on Facebook, twitter, snapchat and every other social platform is basic stuff - 9 out of 10 guys you ‘meet by accident’ probably already know your birthday, favourite colour, secondary school, best friend and even best selfie angle. I can see babes going, “Ah ahn!” and “Nawa o!” as they read this, so let me use this opportunity to tell the guys that don’t know, a lil sometin. Remember the babes you think you cornered because you were a sharp guyz? Newsflash, you gorrit twisted! At least 9 out of 10 times, babes set things up that way to make you feel good, when in reality you were just following bread crumbs. Women like to feel chased, basically so they can brag to their friends about how all the guys can’t seem to leave them alone.

That brings us to the idea of the day; Nigerian males are the true heroes! Why? Have you ever tried going on a date in Lagos before? No? Then you don’t know the shift bruh! You live on the mainland and your girl lives on the island, the struggle is just tears. What even now pains on top everything is that after all the Indiana Jones boys will do to travel from Mainland to VGC, the girl will now be fronting, fronting! No, no…please tell me, is it fair?

(Image Source: Pending)

People around the world often wonder why we are so resilient and persistent. The answer is simple and has been staring everyone in the face for decades, it is our women. Naija babes can front for Africa! Most of them will rather die than be the first to call, text or even to simply say hi, they will be waiting for you to notice the ‘sign’ that they have been giving you. The heck! Do I look like a friggin psychic? How on earth am I supposed to notice from a mile away that you are giving me sign. Nevertheless, Naija boys stay winning, they are up to the task; hunting Mayee left right and centre (if you don't know what Mayee Hunting means then ask me on twitter).

[Secret Revealed] On my journey to becoming a true hero, I discovered that babes get jealous very fast (Nigerian females are no exception) and that if you want to know if a babe is into you, flirt with another and the one that has been fronting, forming Tonto Dikeh for you, will start treating you like private property and doing all sorts of public display to 'claim her man'. My guy, when this happens, you should know that it is your turn to play hard to get, you are now in demand! (as a real Hero).

I have this peculiar luck. I don't know why, but it seems I keep getting rides from fine girls, I mean free car rides. A while ago, before I was *coughs* born-again, I was toasting one girl like this and then I found out she had a car. Your boy was on leggediz benz at the time (don’t laugh, my err…own car was at the mechanic’s) and allofasudden, babe started looking even hotter! I had to clean my glasses to make sure everything was alright and at that moment I said to myself in my inner mind, “Hmm, so this is how all these babes that like money feel.” I have never judged anyone since then, not like I judged before then but like they say, experience really does make you see the other side.

Finally, I figured that big Daddy Upstairs must be love me extra because my luck hit the jackpot! I ran into these two hot babes the other day, we were in the same bus, and I knew without a doubt that they were feeling the boy. Unfortunately however, there was no corporate opportunity to activate game....chai, I byn dey like, see miss! Then the next day, I was just there jejely sitting on my own in another bus, working on my phone when, guess who tapped me from behind?! Oboy see internal shjoy! (joy in *Warri*) but as the badt guy that you know that I am, your boy just compose scatta.

One of these days I'll definitely let myself get assaulted by all these fine gyals....hot dammit! Take me now!!! Last last, jokes aside and fashi all the rough play, I would like you all to always remember, better yet, never forget that:

“To knack is human but to carry belle is divine”

Cheers have an Alomo on me, I'm moving to Slovakia!

(Image Source)

Next

CHECKMATE - IT’S A FLY ON THE WALL

Before I school you in what is about to become your worst ever defeat, I have a confession to make. Earlier this week, while I was pretending to be doing some very serious work at the office, I was busy stealing tweets from twitter; hope you weren't expecting gist like my girlfriend is pregnant, oloshi. In fact, this one particular tweet reached out to me, it literarily spoke Igbo and called my name, it said, “Bia CJ nnwam, gu ife! - Come CJ my child, read sometin!”

As I was scrolling down my TL (Timeline), I noticed that someone had retweeted more of those quotes that they seem to keep pulling out of someone’s A.S.S. It can be annoying jare *smiley face* but for some reason, this one message caught my attention, it had a bunch of interesting words in it. See for yourself: 

“Most gods throw dice but Fate plays chess and you don’t find out till too late that he’s been playing with two queens all along” - Terry Pratchett 

These words from Sir Terence David John Prachet, Terry Pratchett for short, struck me for two main reasons. The first is that starting a game of chess with two queens is simply cheating. A queen is, in my opinion, the most versatile of all the 16 pieces on one side of a chess board and so playing with two queens is like having Wonder-Woman and Super-Girl on the same squad; you don lose be dat! The second reason was simple mathematics; Dr Fate plus queen-one plus queen-two equals a legit tricycle ride. Terry you sly dog, I see what you did there…threesome! I know, I know, the tricycle bit is a tad lewd but it isn’t my fault, my mind did the thinking not me. You might be wandering why this Revary (oh, that's me) of a dude is going on and on about chess today, don’t worry I’ll tell you. . .soon, but first, let's deviate a little. 

Whether you are trying to run a babe or you are running for an election, life is pretty much the same; it's almost always just a game. Even Jadakiss agrees with me (him @Therealkiss, me @CJ_Awele)

"@TherealKiss: Every day above ground is a chess move." 

If you are attempting the former (Pur-shoeing woman), you must first and foremost go scouting, find a target, buy flowers, plan dates then dinners and if she falls, you win. If the latter is your ambition (You wan be Senator) then you must first and foremost be loaded (have owo in excess), find a party, buy supporters (behind the scenes of course), plan campaigns, dine with the ‘devils’ and when the people vote, you might win. I personally do not believe in chance. If a mosquito 'randomly' bites me or a fly 'randomly' perches on me, it is either I kill it and everything is okay or it escapes in which case it must be an evil arrow from the witches in my village; I believe we make our own luck.

Senator Bukola Abubakar Saraki and Senator Yakubu Dogara just recently seized the seats of Senate President and Speaker of the House of Representatives respectively, against the wishes of their own political party, The APC; neither man played by the rules, both men had to become bed fellows with their main opposition, The PDP, to achieve their goals. So what’s your excuse? Fate wants to win against you so badly that he's playing with an unfair advantage, still, don’t let him win; turn the tables, be an underdog, beat destiny and be great! 

Now still hol' up a minute, your inevitable thrashing is on its way but wouldn’t you like to know how this genius and egomaniac (me again, The Revary) learnt to play so well? Yes? No? I will tell you either way. My uncle taught us and by 'us' I mean my older brother and I. To be honest, I had forgotten this and had started to believe that I was a natural like Paul Morphy (1837-1884; allegedly the greatest of all time, considered the ultimate player by age 21) but my brother reminded me of my long forgotten humble beginnings.

It was back then when there were no such things as laptops, only big desktops running on Windows 95. A new computer had just been installed in my house and my uncle, now that I think of it, probably thought it wise to teach us how to do something on the system before 'dem kids' experiment and break the million dollar machine (My papa for don kill us!). The man must have had an epiphany to have been able to have taught a couple of Power Rangers loving toddlers such an intricate game.

I was barely 6 at the time, my older brother was something close to 8. Uncle A (my uncle) said to us "Okay look, there are only 6 different types of pieces on the board, this one (he clicked on a pawn) moves like this (he moves it and says) 'one'; this one that looks like a horse (he clicks on a knight) moves like this (he moves it and says) 'one, one, two'; this one (he clicks on a rook) can move anyhow up, down and side to side; this funny looking one is a bishop”. "Bishop?” I repeated, "Like fada in the church?" He laughs and says “No, but it can move like this (he makes an X on the screen); this one (he clicks on the queen) can move like all the others except the horse and this (he clicks on the final piece) is the king, it is the most important piece. If computer eats it, game over!” I nodded frantically but the Lord knows that I probably did not hear a word my uncle had spent the last five minutes explaining.

From my experience, the key to being great at chess is knowing the answer to the question, "Who is king?" For me, the king is the future, and I will always bet my all on tomorrow. Part of the trick to the game is to protect your pawns just as much as your Kinghts, Bishops, Rooks and Queen (unfortunately many do not see this) because when the chips are down, the little things you pay no attention to in life become like magic rabbits; they pop out, like quotes from a 'twitter hat', and can even become your source of inspiration. When your pawn breaches your enemy’s defence and makes it all the way across the battlefield, it transforms to whatever noble it feels like, even a Queen; such potential!

Life is really just a game of chess and if you do not know who or what it is that is most important to you, what targets you plan to achieve at all legal and scrupulous costs then I am sorry to say, you will probably not win against Fate.

Yes, the wait is over, ‘soon’ has arrived and the answer to your ‘wanderings - why I'm going on about chess’ a little while back is Game of Thrones! The show is honestly just an awesome chess game! If you do not watch GOT then you certainly cannot appreciate my feelings at this very moment; Cloud 99+1! I watched episodes 8 and 9 of Season 5 back to back *drools* and after watching the last scenes of episode 9, I said to myself “Yes! I want to be a fly too!!!” If my happiness is giving you headache, here, take Panadol (Pain Killer) and keep kwayet.

By the way, we have been playing all this while and now the board looks like this; I am black and you are white. Also, in case you have not figured it out yet, the 'Fly on the wall' is Khaleesi's dragon; really if you don't already, go and watch Game of Thrones!

This is game over; you should have listened to Terry and paid more attention, I am Dr Fate for today and the two queens belong to the Revary (*wink* Mu-ha-ha-ha! Look closely at the chess board).

Checkmate!

[P.S. Forget all the wash I dey wash inside this article o, one small boy like that kee me finish for chess yesterday, I wan die, if no be for God eh....I for find excuse beat the boy sef, lol]


Next