RABID RABBIT – EAT MY FOOT!

(Image Source)

I initially considered calling this piece ‘Warrior Rabbit’ or ‘God of War Rabbit’ but finally I settled for what you can see at the top. I am still, however, a bit conflicted about what it should have been titled, so after having a go at the piece, you can decide for yourself what you would have preferred to call it. 

So rabbits; those cute and cuddly creatures that we all THINK are extremely adorable  - yea right. Have you ever seen one of those things turn into a ferocious monster? Have you ever seen one of those things go wild? Have you ever seen, a rabid rabbit!? No? I didn’t think so. Those fluffy bug eyed creatures can become beastly in the twinkle of an eye and those buck teeth that you think are only for nibbling on vegetables can become more dangerous than Zulu spears! - I kid you not. Then again, how would you know this dark side to creatures that are so small, so cute and so adorable that some of us even have them in our homes? They are somewhat like little children who we like to give carrots when they are good but what we tend to forget unfortunately, is that when they are bad, they need....the stick! 

A friend of mine said to me the other day, "Dude it's like you don't like lil kids mehn" and I laughed and said "Far from it mann". Let me tell you the background to this conversation before you think I am some kind of child hater. We, my friend and I, had just decided to go grab some shawarma from a regular joint (boys no fit dey soak garri everyday nw) and when we got there, some child-ling was, in my opinion, throwing the most annoying tantrum. I think the whole screaming, rolling and beating-back-at-parents episode put an expression on my face and my friend did not miss the look of irritation I was wearing. The rest of the conversation, you already know (Note, this child was too old for this kind of behaviour). 

These days, parents do not seem to really be in control of their kids. Yes I know children will be children but back then, once your mother gave you ‘the look’, you knew all hell would break loose if you as much as breathed noisily; if she heard 'pim'. Today, however, you literally see a child screaming at the top of his or her lungs like a baby goat and even the father will be there - all the while I'm like OMG, his daddy is there too??. Let me just break it down for you like this, my father never beat us or anything like that while we were growing up, my mother was delighted to always 'set us straight' but besides, there was never any need because my brother and I had the righteous fear of God. Kids today, not so much.

(Image Source)

Do you remember Dennis the Menace, that cartoon from way back in the day? The kid with the trademark scruffy, dark hair and evil smirk, the kid wearing a black and red stripped t-shirt; he was the World’s Wildest Boy! Denis was a badly behaved, visually rebellious and uncontrollable school tot who took pride in causing chaos and mayhem, aided by his trusty funny looking dog Gnasher. Denis the Menace is a perfect example of how naughty children turn out when they do not receive the stick; they become even more of a menace! Shun all the modern oyibo ways, kids actually need a little hard love. I am not talking about chasing a child round your compound or yaad (yard) with a broom or some other ungodly object or even plastering infant eyes with pepper - I hear people do these evil acts - I am speaking of a spank of reasonable force every now and again when words alone appear not to be enough. In fact, if you have really read any old English stories or followed a bit of history then you will know that oyibo headmasters back in the day were the kings of cane and koboko.

Sometimes I wonder what really is the cause of the increase in the number of tantrum throwing toddlers I seem to be coming across these days and sometimes I muse to myself that it might just be the names that we give our kids today that are making them go bananas. Names like Phelony, Nevaeh-Hope, Hashtag and in Nigeria in particular, Millionare, SuperStory, Unchangeable. Names like these can really affect a child’s psyche or make other children make fun of that child, leading to a whole nexus of future psychological issues. 

Whatever the cause or causes may be, we are facing a critical problem that needs to be checked. Human beings are social creatures and ought to live together to truly survive and progress as a race but if the basic sense of community and discipline is not learned by the Homo Sapien when it is still young and impressionable then when it is old and stubborn it will only contribute chaos to the world. 

Permit me here to digress further for a second while borrowing our friend the rabbit again. Apart from looking cute and eating carrots, there is something else Oryctolagus cuniculus like to do, they like to multiply *evil smile*. The world’s population is expected to increase to 7.13 billion by 2040 - a 40% increase - we are multiplying like bunnies and I think this could be a problem. This is my opinion because as things stand, the demand we are putting on planet earth is already very high and if you are in doubt then go and research on global warming; polar ice-caps are melting, climate is fluctuating and natural disasters are on the rise. Again massive youth unemployment is another problem we are facing and yet we are looking to add more rugrats?? Whoever is planning to be doing any unnecessary mathematics should please stop it now and apply some birth control please; guiding the world’s population may help to curb some global issues.

[Back to the Matter] Your pimp hand needs to be strong! You have to practice that left-back-hand on a tree at least twice a day, morning and night, until you can comfortably take down a tree with just one slap. Then, even a side glance from you would put the fear of God in children and keep them in order. Dennis the what? Gerrarahia! Nga machi gi nti! Igbo for I wee treat your ₤cUk up! Children, kids, kpikin dem need beating! This is why we of the 1980s/90s generation all love our Nigerian mothers and that is particularly why #YouKnowYourMumIsNigerian has been trending for the longest time on social media, those women beat the crap out of us but still, the love is strong! 

Now if you have been blessed with stubborn or troublesome progeny, do not fret nor be disappointed, just apply ‘the look’ and ‘the left hand of god’ and everything will be alright - never use the right hand, it does not instil the same fear of reckless abandon as does the left. Again, remembering that even Dennis the Menace saved his town from potential disaster once and also the fact that he was brilliant at mechanics, I believe there is always hope even for rabid rabbits but first they have to eat my foot! Nonsense!

(Image Source)

[P.S.1] I love little kids and I don’t eat them for breakfast

Next

THE GOOD ROAD EFFECT

(Image Source)

Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? A little insect flaps its wings somewhere in Kenya and a mango tree falls somewhere else in India, absurd right? The phenomenon is actually talking about how a seemingly random sequence of events can link cause and effect. For instance, the flapping wings of a butterfly may attract a child and this young child may reach for it, said child may then accidentally knock his mother's flowerpot off their apartment’s window sill while reaching and the falling pot may intercept a stray bullet whose trajectory may be amended - the apartment is on the second floor. The amended bullet may hit a man but miss his vital organs by an 'amendment' and this said man may survive the hit and decide to move to India for safety (don’t judge his choice of a safe haven). He may get to Mumbai, India where he may see a mango tree and decide to build a house where it stands, the tree may then be cut and finally, it may fall. Ladies and gentlemen, as improbable as it sounds, the butterfly effect! 

Do you live in Lagos or pretty much any city in Nigeria, Africa or the world, with less than pliable roads? Does it take you more than double the time it should to get to work, take your children to school or even get back home after a stressful day? If yes, then you must be suffering from the effects of bad roads - or a poor transport system. If you are a Las Gidi resident like myself, then the misbehaviour of danfo-drivers is definitely a source of serious headache but for today, let us turn a blind eye to all but the road.

What do roads have to do with butterflies, Kenya or mango trees, you may ask, and my answer would be simple; everything! You see, I have lived in a popular estate that was built by the Federal Government in 1977 for a very long time, the estate whose symbol is the Benin mask that was *coughs* borrowed by the British and is still in their possession till today - lol, no comment. So, for so many years the road linking FESTAC (the estate) to the more popular Oshodi-Apapa express way that leads to Nigeria’s busiest port was not motor worthy. To put its worth in figures, I can estimate that the number of cars that passed this particular road in the more than ten years it was dilapidated was not up to a thousand a year. That thousand a year would make more sense when I tell you that since the revival of the very same link road not less than ten thousand vehicles ply that route every day (my estimation).

The impact of streets and highways worthy of the name can never be overstated. If you have ever been in an economics class or done anything about business then I am almost certain that you will remember perfect transport networks as one of the principal factors unreservedly essentially for a venture to survive, even if not 'perfect', then something that is at least worthy of the name - the effect of a single good stretch of road is, in my opinion, butterfly-like.

My simple answer ‘everything’ to what roads have to do with butterflies and mango trees means that these beautiful fluttery insects possess powers ranging from birth; pollination, through to death; the felling of trees. In the same way, the butterfly-like impact that roads have on people and their lives ranges from life; time through to death; money & stress. The connection between cause (road or insect) and effect (time, money, stress, life or death) may be vast and intricate but the existence is, in my opinion, unquestionable. Observe...

(Image Source)

Let’s go back to Lagos for a bit. As at 2014, the reported Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of the state was $91 billion, this was at that time eighteen percent of the Nigeria’s total GDP. In the same 2014, the reported income per capita for Lagos for the year was $4,333; given a state population of about 21 million - buckle up, we are about to do some mathematical gymnastics here.

Now, despite the fact that bad roads cause super traffic jams that keep people grounded for up to 6 hours (like go-slow on the Benin-Ore expressway of the early 2000s), we shall stick to our initial assumption of ‘double the time’ and also to other general assumptions like ‘Time is money’, everything else being equal; ceteris paribus.

The bad road effect:

Now, taking into cognisance the 2014 unemployment rate (UR) in Nigeria, reported as 24 percent and its labour force (LF) percentage estimated as 27.5 percent (from 2010 data), the working Lagos population is approximately 4.4 million [21m people x 76% (1 - UR) x 27.5% (LF)] and assuming that it should take an hour on average for these working citizens to commute through their daily economic activities then by the assumption of ‘double the time’, we lose at least 1.6 billion hrs every year in Lagos (4.4m people x 1 hr x 365 day).

Stay with me now...

The next question then is what is a Lagosian’s time worth? The answer based on 2014 income per capita is $0.49 per hour ($4,333 ÷ 8760 hrs/yr). To wrap it up, residents of The City of Excellence lose at least $180 annually ($0.49 x 1 hr x 365 days) just because of bad roads (chai, see money!) and Lagos itself, a whopping $794 million each year (*faints*). I am obliged to state here that this is a very simplistic estimation; I do not have a PhD in econometrics or any mathematical-gymnastics course like that so abeg no vex (I dey beg o!).

Ladies and gentlemen, fine boys and fine girls, what is the good road effect? What is so important about roads that great civilizations of old like the Dynastic Chinese, Pyramidal Egyptians and Empiric Romans knew to construct several kilometres worth for their chariots and horses? It is an open secret that a single good stretch of road like the partially revitalised Benin-Ore expressway, the partially revitalised Oshodi-Apapa expressway and the Lekki-Epe expressway can reduce the toils and tears of the men, women and children who ply it daily while stealing back those millions of leaking Naira.

This is the good road effect; 

'Saving money and bringing back happiness.'

What could be better?

If the Good Road Effect would bring money and happiness then imagine what the Good NEPA Effect would achieve. Happy May Day! There was no work today so I hope you slept at home and eat eba, fufu or tuwo.

Up NEPA and God bless Nigeria!

(Image Source: Pending)

Next