GUNS “R” US

“Guns don’t kill people, people do”

- The National Rifle Association 

  (NRA), USA                      

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I heard my grandfather once went into ‘the bush’ to see our village lands; I heard on arrival he was chased by some unscrupulous men with silver machetes and black guns – they were illegally selling our village lands to other unscrupulous men. God bless the old man, he was still agile enough at 85 to outrun younger men in their prime, men in their 40s. Papa has, however, passed away now; it was his time, no bullets were involved.

My grandfather’s name was Young and Grandpa Young also had a gun. It wasn’t anything too fancy, just a typical side-by-side, double-barreled shotgun with Anson & Deeley boxlock action, he polished it regularly and used it to announce the New Year; every year. Papa loved his gun, it was more of what my buddies in India would call a Lunali. Mr. Young never shot nobody.

I hear today of people who actually shoot other people and I don’t mean the usual police&thief; I hear herdsmen now carry guns! I know right, herdsmen, guns?! If I remember correctly, and I do, cattle-men used to roll with the shepherd’s staff and not Kalashnikovs, when did they make the switch from wood to iron, who was their arms dealer and who is behind the upgrade? I am honestly curious. I hear the guns are for ‘protecting’ their cattle and my question is, from who, peasant farmers!? If yes then perhaps we need to more publicly promote guns and hasten the proliferation of small arms and lights weapons (aka SALW) so that even the farmers can protect themselves from aggressive grass – naah, the cattle-gunmen need a better excuse.

Guns may be cheap; as low as $300, but bullets are darn expensive; a pack can cost $500, so my next question is, who keeps restocking ammo for these guys? Who the heck deals bullets for cattle-men?! We need to trace the source of the funds, the guns and the bullets. I am certain that there is no charity openly giving out weapons for free. Now, the slaughter currently only appears to be one sided and as such, people are yet to consider the possibility of another industrious arms-dealer marketing modern metal to farmers, who at this point may be willing to trade dull machetes for sharp bullets. If the famers trade by this barter, then the blood bath is only just beginning – hasta la vista buen senor.

People tend to blame religion for a lot of the bloodshed going on today but the truth is that human beings have always been blood thirsty, even before we started worshipping there were wars and pogroms, ketchup was spilled all across the earth but we ought to have become more civilized by now. I understand that there might still be an itch to let loose and spill more ketchup, even I myself am not free from this itch – let me explain. I recently passed out but had no idea that my hand was still wide awake. By the time I came through my trigger finger had gone to work, there were no survivors! It appeared I had slept over my ‘Chicago Typewriter’ with my killer finger on delete, needless to say, all I could do was weep. Google Chicago Typewriter, pun intended.

“Guns don’t kill people, people do”

- NRA

“Yea but an Uzi clip and some AK-47s sure make it easier”

- HRevary

My mind was roaming round this whole militarized nomad situation and the clashes with local farmers when something hit me – I actually physically got assaulted by a brick. Why is it that the clashes between Fulani herdsmen and farmers seem to have escalated in the recent past? What, beyond the proliferation of SALW, could be the cause of the increase in physical disagreements? What is the underlying problem? That brick really did hit my head hard because it knocked a thought in: Could it be global warming?

One of the purported effects of global warming on this side of the world has been irregular rainfall. This has led to increased desertification and less vegetation in places deeper inland, places like Northern Nigeria. This could possibly explain why herdsmen seem to be migrating further south in search of greener pastures for their pets and why they and their pets have been running into more farmers. This is just a thought knocked in by a bullet, sorry, I mean brick.

Let me also use this opportunity to state that the current ‘Grazing Bill’ at the Nigerian National Assembly is, in my opinion, antithetical to our development. Firstly, nomadic shepherding is far behind the times in which we live, ranching and other variations are the preferable method of growing today’s meat. Furthermore, if a system of ranching were promoted instead of encouraging wild men and animals to be doing wakajugbe upandan, several other value chains would organically grow alongside the meat chain. The need for animal feed for instance would skyrocket; silage, soilage and what not, industries would bloom. Again, I am not a proponent of the ‘Grass Bill’ that seeks to carve out land that belongs to one people and give it to another people for free to run a private business. Cow meat no free for market o!

Well, all being said and done, welcome to my shop, Guns “R” Us, I am certain we have just what you’re looking for – even the black market stuff. We have PKMs, M1911s, MP5s, FALs, G3s, AR15s, RPG-7s and even Revolvers for the kids...

 “No more Mr nice guy! *kpa, kpa*”

- The Kid With The Gun

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Welcome to the Wild Wild West bi@₸₵ђ€$!

The End.

Disclaimer: This piece has nothing to do with a popular toys store.

INSTINCTS – THE ANIMAL WITHIN

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What did Mufasa’s brother say to Simba’s father right before he, Simba’s uncle, sent him, Simba’s uncle’s brother, to the afterlife?

“Long…live…the king!”

- Scar (Lion King, ‘94)

I was at a filling station waiting for the attendants to release their pumps for business – fuel scarcity so I needed to fill my tank – when a conversation entered my ear; it entered, I wasn't eaves dropping. So, I was at the filling station when this one guy says to the other, “I like that girl, she small, com neat like new motto…” In my mind, “Oshey! She neat like new motto!” A lady with a short dress enters a bus and the probability is higher that every guy in that vehicle will be distracted, even if for a fraction of a second.

What is fuel scarcity? It can simply be defined as that phenomenon, that state of reality that occurs at least twice a year in Nigeria causing queues, as long as the eye can see, to be formed at various filling stations, crippling the already crippled life that Nigerians struggle to cleave to.

This current scar-city episode, however, seems to be running a marathon; the tin don refuse end, see us see wahala. What started as the usual biannual festival sometime in 2015 has snowballed into a persistent headache; this is mid-2016 for cheap sake! Honestly, I’m tired and if you live in Nigeria I am sure you are too, so what is the cause of this prolonged nuisance?

Minister Kachikwu explains that there is essentially a lack of foreign exchange which can be linked to the low oil prices and our overdependence on a single resource *sigh* tell us something new. We hear of the diversion of ships carrying refined crude destined for Nigeria to the Lord only knows where and we hear that subsidy is still paid to such dubious importers. We hear that the subsidy scheme itself is a scam as many witnesses - people living outside Lagos, Abuja and a few other state capitals - claim that petrol, diesel and kerosene never sell at the government price. We hear a great deal and we are inclined to accept them for there are not many reasons to believe otherwise.

Every day that this scarcity continues and every hour the sub-sidy sham endures the poorest among us continue to suffer, naturally, to the benefit of the greedy, self-aggrandising yobs who seem to heed no duty of care to their fellow citizens. Reports have it that at about 1pm on the 7^th of April, 2016, calamity hit 21 Road Festac Town, Lagos. Headlines read, “Black Marketers Vs Civil Defence Officers…”, “1 Dead and 3 Injured…” and, “Female NSCDC Officer Kills…” amidst other variants, but the message was clear, at least one person was dead with others gravely injured and the cause was related to the current situation of inadequate supply of petrol.

We are truly living in a sad situation; a jungle of some sorts, survival seems to be by instincts and king is he who unleashes the animal within, we need to get out of this state of calamity and fast!

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What did Scar say to Mufasa right before he sent him to the afterlife?

“Long…live…the king!”

- Scar (Lion King, ‘94)

The wind blows slowly across the soaring blades of the savannah as the long rays of light from the yellow sun strike the ambience with passion, hunger, lust [Time: Half past mid-afternoon]. The lioness breaks her stride as the ripples of the wind’s waves flow through the wildness of her towering cover – like a gentle hand through long beautiful black hair [View: Belittling of the best of high definition]. As the breeze slows, she continues flawlessly in her furtive slide through the grass, her poise; majestic, her curves; perfection [Intention: to kill].

The doe senses intention and hesitates from her grass, she observes with keen perception as the hand of the wind caresses the skin of the rich emerald vegetation to her side [Time: The setting of the sun]. She nibbles nimbly the fodder on her lips and steals surreptitious glances at the suspect vegetation as it sways with hypnotic resolution [View: Demure façade with an underlying restless agitation]. As the gust relents, she bites down harder with conviction, her agitation; not of fear, her eyes; teeming with excited expectation [Her Disposition: Game].

The wind continues, picking up pace and rising in tempo as it runs to the departing sun at the horizon, yet he stands in its way, unfazed, even relishing the rush of aggression [Time: The rising of dusk]. The magnificence of his coat burns with the fire of Apollo’s passing chariot and his presence fills the plains with a tremendous aura [View: Charisma burning with overflowing confidence]. As the wind pushes through, he remains resolute as it tries in futility to test his strength, his dark mane; military, his build; sinewy [His Roar: thunderous].

The buck raises his head to the sound of thunder, revealing the deep lightning scar across his left eye, he is a veteran of combat, a beast of conquest. [Time: Half an hour to full dusk]. The last light of day illuminates a shadowy glint in his eyes, the glint reflecting the smirk on his lips. [View: Manifestation of Constitutions] He charges straight ahead, antlers set to purpose, calling to play his network of toned and defined muscles. His stature is full, his features established, he charges on, unfazed by thunder, pushing harder with every passing second [Determination: Absolute]

The lioness strikes from behind the edge of the bush but her clawed paw misses the doe by a hare’s breath; the she-deer ducks in the nick of time and is saved by lightning reflexes. The doe sets off in the other direction and the recovering she-lion pursues. The buck is now at full speed and the force behind his antlers is comparable to a spear thrown by the Greek god Cephalous himself. The she-deer enters the lion’s open field, the lioness is still in pursuit, closing in as the light fades away. The game is afoot and the chase over as the advancing she-lion goes for the doe’s neck; the lion watches.

The lioness is in her deciding leap over the doe and adrenaline sets her vision to slow-motion, she extends her left claws once again and hones in for the kill but at that precise moment, in comes the buck, in the nick of time, bursting midair into the lion’s field, Cephalous’ spears projected at the enemy of his doe; the lion watches. The she-lion sees it all in motion; the lightning scar, the glint in the eye, the prey below, and she rolls mid-air in the nick of time over the buck using the force of his antlers as propulsion, avoiding death by a hare’s breath; the lion is impressed.

The buck and his doe scramble into the darkness as the sun finally sets; he will surely receive the hero’s prize (*wink*). The impressed lion moves to the lioness under the cover of darkness, his intentions clear (*wink again*). I was in the office the other day, seriously pretending to be diligent – busy season so everyone has to look serious– when a conversation entered my ear; it entered, I wasn't eaves dropping. So, I was at the office when this one colleague says to the other, “Mehn, there is this babe on my bbm, her avatar dey always bust my brain, e be like say make I just copyright her DPs!” A lady with a short dress enters a bus and the probability is higher that even babes in that vehicle will be distracted for more than a fraction of a second; either to hate or to appreciate.

After the long wait on the queue, no fuel…na wa for this scarcity!

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